Carr's Review of Mary's Poem 10/26

To: Mary Bogdan
From: Carr
Re: ”The Moratorium”
Mary,
There are some things working well here in your poem about experimentation with marijuana. First, there is a definite movement to the poem. You start without much experience with the substance, slowly get sucked into its sphere, and then have misgivings about your path. That’s good. I also think that there are some nice individual lines here: “I seized a slice of time not to obey;” “like diamonds in African rock;” “the hiss of my nagging parents.” Those are all working well for me.
OK. So the thing to work on first, I think, is to unify the disparate elements into something that coheres. Right now you’ve got some of the individual parts, but it’s sometimes hard to see the connections. One thing that stands out to me is the image of “the Peace.” You “smoked for Peace,” and you were “a part f it – the Peace.” That’s good. I like the idea of using the abstract noun as something more concrete. So what I would say is that you might try to describe “the Peace.” What is it like? What does it look, feel, taste, smell, sound like? When did you first catch a glimpse of it? What is it like without it? Those are all places I could use more concrete details and images.
Second, because you are approaching this is in a narrative fashion, I suggest making the narrative stages much more clear, perhaps even by using transitions. For example, near the end you write, “In jello, no one judges.” Then immediately you jump to “The door slammed shut.” To me those lines are incongruous. I don’t know what door you are talking about. So try to slow down and get to the important thread of the story if there is one. Be more concrete.
Finally, I’m unclear about the title. Why “Moratorium”? I don’t see the connection. Work on making your word choice more precise.
All right. So think about those things and let me know if you have questions. You’ve definitely got something to work with here. Good luck.
CK

Carr's Review of Jim's Story 10/26

To: Jim Dorffner
From: Carr
Re: “Greta”
Jim,
There are some things working well here in your story of Greta, the nurse’s dead sister who haunts the hospital where she works. First, the situation itself is good material for a short story. It’s a little bit quirky that Greta is haunting this place. It gives you an unusual situation. Second, you tend to have pretty realistic, simple dialogue in your work, and there is the same quality here. That’s good. Third, your piece here has some movement. The mystery of Greta is revealed at the end, along with the fact that John was in a coma/near death during the first part of the story.
OK. So where to from here? I think the biggest issue to address is the dual question, Who is the central character and what does he want? Right now I’d say John is the central character. But what does he want? That’s harder to say. He seems to have been in an accident. He was apparently by himself, and there is no evidence either way what caused the accident. While he is in the coma he thinks his parents are mad at him, and he wants to remember who was with him, but we don’t get any resolution to that. I guess we could say that he wants to die and Greta coaxes him back, but even then I’m going to wonder what change we have seen in John.
OK. So think about this: what if the central character were Greta’s sister the nurse? What wants/desires might she have, particularly related to Greta? Of course she might be surprised or scared the first time one of the patients mentions Greta. I was surprised how nonchalant she was when John first mentioned her. That seems weird. Then maybe she could be annoyed that Greta keeps showing up. Finally she might wish that Greta would show herself to the nurse, so she could see her. Do see where I’m going with this? If you shift the central character to the nurse, it gives you more choices for storytelling. It gives you more chances for surprises. Look at “Zoanthropy” again. See how your nurse could be like Alastair.
Second, I think your story could use more exposition/description like you have in the first paragraph. You create a nice scene there, and I’d like to have more of that throughout the piece. Let your characters look out at the world and show it back to us.
All right. This has much potential. See me with questions. Good luck.
CK

Sean Brodie's Response to Mary's Poem "The Moratorium"

Reading Mary's Poem "The Moratorium" was an interesting poem telling about the protest for peace during the Vietnam War in 1969. The character in that story was smoking Marijuana and listening to a band called King Crimson for the comfort of peace. The nameless character was so intoxicated, that the individual experience hallucinations and other side effects from the substance. The character was in a peaceful state, where the parents nagging didn't bother the person; the door where the individual dwell in was closed, so that no one could get in. The state of peace the character was feeling was so great, that there was no worries, feelings, pain, or thoughts. It was one's personal Heaven. Suddenly, the character woke up in prison and lost all signs of hope.

I learned some new things about the past like the band King Crimson and the Moratorium; although, I remember the kaleidoscope. I used to play with it as a little kid, but didn't know what it was called. Thanks Mary for bringing back good memories. The poem was very interesting, I learned a little bit about history and what people do back in the late 1960s. The experience of being intoxicated from the Marijuana was described very well; I had wild imaginations from reading it like the Beatles playing "Come Together" or hippies at Woodstock having the time of their life. "I had not thoughts, no feelings, no worries, nothing haunted me." I like how you described the words in this poem very well. "The Vietnam War demonstrations were more like a kaleidoscope of confusion." "It was a timely chance for me to swing at the illusion of

a peaceful pantomime called cannabis." "I smoked for Peace and became enmeshed within its foundation;

there was no foundation. The pushers did not tell of angel dust sparkling among the weeds...

like diamonds in African rock." I like the twist on how the character suffered the consequence of being incarcerated in Hotel California Prison, and all hope felt like it was lost. It really teach me how the youth generation of that time, use things to give them pleasure compared to the present time, where we have computers, video games, High Definition Digital Television, or the internet.

Sean Brodie's Response to Jim's Story "Greta"

Jim's story "Greta" is about a young man named John, who got into a car accident, and was taken to the hospital. He has a near-death experience, where he is outside his room, and meets a nurse named Greta. She comforts him and tries to tell him it is not his time yet, that he needs to go into the room behind him. His parents walk into the room looking fatigue and worried. Greta walks into the room to check to see if he is well, she walks back out to tell John that he is doing well. John has a flashback from the time he had the car accident and found no one riding with him in the passenger seat. A faint voice tells him to wake up a few times. John regains consciousness and sees his mother happy that he is doing well. A few days later, he sees a nurse that resembled Greta, but it wasn't her. He tells the nurse about his dream, the nurse reveals that Greta was her sister and reveals that he isn't the only one who had a experience with the other side.

I really like how this story was told. I maybe born in 1985 and 25 years old, but I have heard the name of a "Candy Stripper" before. I like how he used that to describe Greta. The way Jim revealed that John was having a near death experience was very compelling. "The corridor was busy and often nurses or visitors would pass the young man slumped over on a bench in the hall next to room 224. But no one seemed to notice him. He looked so much like the unconscious patient in the room behind him, that he could easily be his twin brother." "Suddenly it was not Greta’s voice. It was his Mother’s, and he was lying in the bed. She was squeezing his hand and saying, “John. ... Wake up… wake up.”
He opened his eyes and saw her smiling down at him. Her hands were warm.
“You’re back!” she said with tears in her eyes. “You’re back.” That was a very interesting twist, yet he makes another twist about Greta for the fact that she is a ghost, someone who died mysteriously before. It makes me wonder how did she die prior to John's accident. I like how Greta's sister also had experiences with her sister and when John describers his experience to her. It adds the more realism to the characters. "“Greta was my sister, but she’s gone now… did you know her?” she asked, as she walked back to him.

“Well… No, not really but…”

He described to her his dream about meeting Greta in the hall, and the conversation they had. She pulled out a picture and handed it to him. It was old and worn from being handled a lot."

"“She used to work here.” She said.

“I believe she still does.” He added.

“I know,” she said, “You are not the first one to see her in the hall.”"