heidi's response to Priscilla's story

“The Glass Box” is a very engaging story that makes the reader want to keep reading. Both the character of Shaundra and of Dr. Strohlman are interesting and realistically developed, making it difficult not to want to know more about them. The description of the setting is appealing and prepares the reader for something he/she might not be expecting, such as the quirky and unorthodox methods of the doctor. In terms of suggestions, the background on Shaundra could probably be worked into the progression of the story a bit more rather than just simply telling the reader the information through narration. There seems to be a lot of potential with this story, and it would be worth continuing.

heidi's response to Allie's poems

“1940” seems to be about a surprising discovery made in the basement of the speaker’s home. The first stanza makes me think that perhaps the speaker is talking about the Prohibition Era; but since that ended before 1940, I realized this is not the case. I am not sure what exactly this poem is about, but the descriptions are well done. I particularly enjoyed the lines “created before/ the mass-produced,/ (all-things-must-look-the-same)/ era” because they appear to be a subtle commentary on today’s culture. The difficulty that I had with this poem is that I am not sure what the point is that the poet is trying to make. There are good images that make it interesting to read, but I don’t quite understand it. Were it more specific and evident as to what the speaker intended the point to be, it would be a more powerful poem.
“Trial and Error” has a sensual feel about it and appears to deal with an unsteady relationship. Several of the images are quite evocative, such as “my black sundress smoldering,/ causing the air to become wicked,” which contributes to the strong sense of a physical attraction between the speaker and the person she’s talking about. As with the other poem, however, I am not sure I get exactly what the poem is about. I very much like the images and use of language, but it seems contradictory and unclear. One example of this is in the first stanza when the speaker says “I knew we were destined to/ be strangers,/ when I could smell/ your smell/ even away from you.” Another example is in the last stanza: “But I couldn’t wait until winter/ …The summer months are much too short.” This causes ambiguity and does not make clear what the author is trying to communicate.

Claudia's Response to Chris's Poems

Claudia’s Response to Chris’s Poems:
The Marriage
This poem paints a picture of an old married couple who seem to be in a loveless marriage, but that is not how it started out when they were younger. The wife nags constantly and the man has a vision of killing her by lobbing a coffee mug at her head. Their marriage brings to mind his parents’ marriage which he seems to be reliving. I like the picture you paint of how the old man once “fawned over” his “young and impetuous “ wife, but has now lost that feeling. I think it is a reminder to all married couples of what can happen if you don’t work hard at keeping that spark alive.
The Traveler
Nice imagery of flying over a cityscape and the scene that unfolds prior to landing. I especially liked the line, “Like bacteria in a Petri dish, A living organism grows”. As I read this line, I am reminded of the view of a city at night from a plane having a lifelike quality with the lights undulating giving it movement. Great visualization.
Thanks-Claudia

Claudia's Critique of Priscilla's Story-The Glass Box

Claudia's Critique of Priscilla's Story-The Glass Box
Brief Summary: This is a story of a 16y.o teenage girl named Shaundra who was court ordered to go to a therapist, Dr. Strolhman, to be evaluated for her mental status. Shaundra had faced some losses at the age of 12, her best friend died, parents divorced and Grandpa George died. She turned to a life of rebellion, sex and drugs. The story revolves around the relationship she is starting to form with the therapist.
Response: There was a lot to like about this story. The therapist was unique in her style/approach and that helped Shaundra start to like and trust her. The therapist had an aura about her that left the reader wondering if she had some kind of special power. She was kind yet firm and that appealed to Shaundra. The glass box had odd trinkets that made me wonder what they all meant and where she got them. There were some really good descriptive sentences like,”Her heart was hard, her attitude cold, and her mind dark” that went to her state of mind. I thought the dialogue was realistic except when the doctor told her about her father getting “turned on” by her mother getting mad at him.
Areas to focus on for revision: Although the descriptions were detailed, they sometimes slowed the story down. I got caught up in the imagery and forgot the storyline. I wanted to know more about Shaundra’s past and how she wound up court ordered to a therapist. I know she did drugs and had sex, but what exactly got her there? Dr. Strohlman said she knew Shaundra was intelligent, but there was nothing to base that on considering her lack of conversation with the therapist. Would like to know more about Shaundra’s past. For a 16y.o to know about Baja, I wanted to know if she had been there or had studied about it. Overall an entertaining story.
Thanks-Claudia

Claudia's Response to Melda's Poems:

Claudia’s Response to Melda’s Poems:
Childhood
This poem is about the loss of childhood due to violence. The violence seems to be either on the streets or in a war zone, both of which have similarities. She is trying to hide and run away from this violence, however it seems to catch up to her. Worse than anything however is the loss of innocence. I liked this poem and feel it is quite relevant in today’s world. The bolded words make for an interesting sentence—“hiding gunshots run forward back childhood never.” Don’t know if this was purposeful but it is impactful. A sad commentary on life and one which I wonder was an experience you had as a young girl.
Goodbye
I get the sense that this is about a woman saying goodbye to someone she cares deeply about who is perhaps going off to war. She is angry and unbearably sad knowing that this person may never return. It is a very emotional piece wherein she bares her soul for all to feel and experience with her. This poem ties in with Childhood in that the reader gets the sense of loss and emotional impact the poet has experienced. Again, this is a relevant poem that imparts the full emotionality of the writer.
Thanks-Claudia

Scott's Critique on Heidi's Poems

Both poems Heidi wrote consisted of the theme of knowledge and a higher learning. Although they were the same subject they both stood out on their own, each with separate perspectives to education. I really liked the metaphor in "Library Smell"; "...The scent of knowledge, of story. I try to absorb it through my skin but the words get caught in my pores-" In regards to "Education," I liked the rhyme scheme and the break half way through to free verse, it's an interesting pattern that I thought worked really well. "Education" was definitely a powerful piece due to the ongoing discussion in class.

Scott's critique on Ayisha's "An Autumn Dream"

Response:
This story opens to a woman, Amy coming home during the Autumn season. She then meets with a childhood friend, Eric. The two walk the town where they view changed scenery throughout. Eric and Amy end up sitting together catching up. As the emotions grow, the feeling is cut off by Amy's alarm clock. Her time with Eric was a dream. The reader finds out that her dream is a nightly routine where she regrets losing contact with Eric.

Critique:
"An Autumn Dreams'" flow is very interesting, I like how the story turns out to be a dream. I also think that the emotional tension and regret works out well. On a particular note, I really like the first couple of lines in the story, I thought they painted a good picture. The one thing that stuck out to me was figuring out who came to town. At first it says that Amy was driving home, later on she is the one showing Eric around. I couldn't get a good grip on the person returning etc. Over all, good job.

Scott's critique of Pat's "On the Eve of His Departue"

Response:
This story takes place during the last night of Mark's stay in Portland. He is going back home in the East where he plans to stay and not return to Oregon. Most of the story utilizes conversation between two central characters; Mark and Justine. "On the Eve..." opens to Mark searching for Justine in her home, he floats around the home from the library and to the balcony, reminiscing of memories from the past along the way. The story ends with Mark letting Justine know he will wake her in the morning.

Critique:

I feel that Pat's story was great, it had a very nice flow to it which didn't drag on. The transition from one subject to another, i.e. Mark heading to the balcony, to his night of drinking, smoking, and goodbyes, back to the balcony setting, worked really well also. In regards to transition, Pat also did a good job on switching back and forth between dialogue and prose. One of my big issues with the story was the ending, it didn't end on a high or low note, it just kind of, ended. I didn't have too many issues to say on the negative side, kudos.

Valerie's Review of Josh's 'Don't call it a Comeback'

‘Don’t call it a comeback’ is a story about Danny, a pro fighter whose seems to have lost his edge in the ring and there for his wealth. With his cars and possessions being reposed, and he fears he cannot provide for his family, he decides to join up with an old friend to rob a jewelry store. Danny is shot and ends up dying, but not before placing a large diamond in his sons teddy bear that he took for luck.
“Don’t call it a comeback” had a lot of interesting parts, my favorite is when Danny and Natasha argue in front of the children, something it seems they never normally do. I think this is a great show of the financial stress that they are under. I also like how there is two side of Danny, the ‘old’ Danny, that shows when he is talking to Ronnie and goes to rob the jewelry store and the ‘real’ Danny, the one who talks sweet to his wife and kids.
What I found confusing however, was the way the story was formatted, with the dialogue in the text, it made it hard to follow. There were a few spots that I thought could have used a little more elaboration such as the conversations between Danny and Natasha and Ronnie and Natasha. There is some really good dialogue in this story, but perhaps enhancing some of the actions would make it even stronger.

Valerie's Review of Liz's 'Josie'

Josie is the story of a family of four; mother Jayme, father Kyle, and two kids Josie and Cayden. They seem to live a normal life until everything is shattered by a tragic car accident which results in the death of Josie.

Josie brought me into the normal everyday life of Jayme, I love the way the dialogue and actions in the beginning really demonstrate the loving relationships between the family members. I smiled and laughed, at how Josie and Cayden behaved, anyone who knows kids of that age could surely relate. The writing in the beginning of the story is very strong, and gives a great sense of this family and their life. However, starting right before the car accident, there are several changes in perspective which make it very confusing, and harder to identify with Jayme. I think if the story was changed to remain in Jayme's perspective the entire time, and perhaps including more of her actions (maybe dropping the phone on impact perhaps) would really help me to feel for Jayme. I felt a lot for the loss of Josie, since her presentation was consistent through the whole story, but in order to feel for Jayme, she should be the main focus all the time.

Valerie's Review of Lena's 'Intoxication by Nature'

I think ‘Intoxication by Nature’ has a lot very powerful wording in it, however, I feel more like the poem is about someone who is making a divine connection with nature, becoming one with ‘her’ in a very passionate, intimate way. However, I do not feel as if the narrator is becoming ‘intoxicated’ by nature, which is what I was expecting from the title. I think perhaps the title could be changed to reflect the mood of the poem, or perhaps make more ‘intoxicating’ references as opposed to ‘divine’ ones.

Valerie's Review of Lena's 'Bad Dream'

Such a beautiful, powerful poem, it brought tears to my eyes as I thought about a friend I lost over the summer. I love the fact that the poem has progression, the narrator goes from being in denial to slowly admitting that their friend has died. The use of strong nature metaphors really help to emphasize the pain the narrator is feeling. I also like the fact that there aren’t any analogies in the description of his death and body, it gives such a sense of harsh bitter sense of reality. I think that making all the metaphors nature related, possible even all water related (since many of them already are water related) will tie the whole thing together.

Melda's Critique of "Education" by Heidi Heifer

This poem is about a person who is absolutely against technology in schools because it is not necessary.
As with any controversial argument, there are always two points of view. I believe you describe how technology is bad for today's youth pretty well. I love the line, "so it's no longer teaching but putting on a show," because I can see why teachers do not necessarily need to use technology to get a point across. Also, I like the shift of the poem starting with, "But teaching is about…" You even use different line scheme to emphasize the shift. However, I do not see the why you said that kids have ADHD because of technology. If you wanted to put that in your poem, you could have elaborated more on it.

Melda's Critique of "Library Smell" by Heidi Heifer

This poem is about a person who is describing his/her sensory experience in a library.
I like the rhyme scheme in the beginning of the poem even though it is not completely obvious, but nonetheless, it works for me. Also, I like the line "but the words get caught in my pores." It is very powerful as you describe words as a creature that cannot seem to enter into your mind. I do not understand, however, why you state that you don’t want the knowledge from the library. It seems to me as if the library is a place where you absolutely hate going.

Melda's Critique of "An Autumn Dream" by Ayisha Brathwaite

I like the beautiful fall imagery that we get in the beginning of the story. For example, you state, "The branches were laden with leaves of browns, red, yellows and oranges, falling down like a gentle rain onto the worn ground." It gets the reader involved and interested in the story. Also, I believe your story is easy to relate to. Almost all of us had some kind of forbidden crush that wondered into our dreams once in a while. However, I believe you could have developed the story or the dream better if you described some specific memories the two characters had together. That way we could understand the character relationship better.

Melda's critique of "On the Eve of His Departure"

I love how easy your story is to read. You made sure to start a new paragraph every time another person was speaking. Also we can tell that the main character, Mark, truly cares about Justine. For example, he wonders whether or not Justine met his parents. Mark seems to want to take the relationship to the next level since he wants her to meet his parents. Also, towards the end of the story, Mark brings Justine water, beer, and basically whatever she wants. Mark hates to say goodbye to Justine and decides that he will do that last. On the other hand, your story has no conflict. I would have liked to see how the characters act when they are apart or when they are saying goodbye to each other.

heidi's response to Patrick's story

“On the Eve of His Departure”
This story seems to have a lot of potential. The dialogue moves the action along, and it predominantly shows rather than tells, which keeps the reader interested. The characters seem unique, and it would be intriguing to develop them even further. The intimate and comfortable relationship that Mark and Justine have is made evident through their actions, and the specific details about each character adds to the believability of the story. There did seem to be an overuse of “sugar” and “darling,” and it became rather annoying after a bit. It’s also not clear how Mark develops and/or changes, nor is it clear what exactly the point of the story is. Nevertheless, what’s there does make the reader want to find out more about the characters.

heidi's response to Ayisha's story

“An Autumn Dream”
The description of the trees are well done and create a nice setting for the story. The story goes right into the story and gets the reader involved, and the emotional tension between the two characters is nicely understated and subtly developed. Also, the story development is incorporated into the action so it keeps progressing. I don’t really feel like I know either of the characters’ personalities though, nor is it clear what their motivations are. Ending with the protagonist waking up from a dream is a big disappointment and leaves the reader feeling tricked and cheated. An alternate way of ending it would be preferable.

heidi's response to Saira's story

“Resurrection”
This story does a good job of jumping right into the action and quickly engaging the reader. Description and dialogue move the story along and seem to progress naturally. The info given keeps the reader interested and makes you want to keep reading to find out what happens. It’s clearly just the beginning of a larger story, so this may not be significant; however, I can’t say as I feel like I have much of an attachment to the protagonist, Ashley, even though you do suggest that she’s a sympathetic character. Also, it’s not clear who Miles Ronald is, even though he apparently has strong ties to Ashley’s family.

Lena's review "Education" and "Library Smell" by Heidi Helfer

Library smell is about the love of books in a library and the desire for learning knowledge. “The scent of knowledge, of story” I like because I can relate to being comforted and excited when smelling the pages from a new book or entering library that wreaks the smell of old books. “Still can’t stay away because I need that knowing even if I don’t want it.” I like this line because you can lose it and continue to search and explore the library for something. You could write about the surrounding environment of the library to give the essence of the smell. Education is about a teacher’s frustration of technology in schools when kids already know technology and teaching as an art form to captivate kid’s attention and learn and enjoy knowledge. “But teaching is about taking kids someplace they otherwise wouldn’t go: it’s about getting them to think, to create and making them grow.” I like this because this is what real teaching should be in all schools learning is a mental adventure. “Teaching is an art, and learning, a need. Don’t encourage minds to be numb or allow imagination to decline” together the lines create complete thought of the teaching and learning and the negative affect is not done correctly. You could write more about the specific art of teaching.

Lena's review "Resurrection" by Saira Malik

I like the story beginning in the doctor’s office with doctor telling Ashley she only has a couple of months to live. I like her struggle and courage to contact with her family after 12 years. “As she stepped out of the car, anyone looking at her would be struck by how beautiful and serene she looked. She was of average height and weighed about 110 lbs and had long brown hair framed by green vibrant eyes. Her skin was pale as ivory and the only blemish on her face was a small mole on the left side of her chin. No one could tell that she had a tumor growing inside her brain that was beyond repair and that within a few short months she was going to be dead.” I like this because it is a good description of her physical features as a young and beautiful mother. “Thinking about her past, Ashley could hear her father’s ranting and screaming when he was in one of his rages. She could actually hear the piercing screams of her mother while she was being beat by him. She could hear the whishing sounds of his leather belt when it struck her own backside. She could still taste her salty tears while they streamed down her face and to which her father was oblivious.” I like this because it is very vivid of the details of her father being physically abusive to her and her brothers Michael and peter and her mother. It would be nice to mention more of the interaction of the family reunion and emotional response from her family after her revealing about her tumor and only having a couple of months to live.

Lena's review "Don’t call it a comeback" by Josh Nuckolls

The story was good but predictable when Danny brings his son’s teddy bear with him and put the diamond in it. In “ Danny was familiar and accustomed to the hard way, and had Natasha and the kids not been there Danny probably would have chosen the hard way in a heartbeat and broken Oscars but in this situation it wasn’t the right thing to do so Danny step aside.” I like the description of his past habit and having a family persuaded him to be nonviolent in financial situations. I like the dialogue between the girlfriend and Danny because she knows he is going back to his old ways and worried he will get hurt. Could continue more about his past to lead up to the present outcome .

Claudia's Critique of Patrick's Story

Critique of Patrick’s Story: On the Eve of His Departure
Brief Summary: Justine and Mark are lovers who seem to need each other for very different reasons. She is older than Mark by 4 years and has taken on a mothering role with him. Mark is a confused young man attempting to pursue and complete his education. He is leaving her to move to Maine where his father lives. He is conflicted about his life and it’s meaning.
Response: I liked the dialogue especially when Mark was questioning his life; “Is this what people do? Do they do things anyway?” Patrick really gets the sense of confusion and lack of a sense of self that Mark has about his life when he asks Justine,” Will I be OK Justine?” Mark seems unable to remain in a stable relationship or commit to anything long term as he has been in Oklahoma, Portland and now is moving onto Maine. He seems to want to get his degree but he lacks sustainability. Mark’s character comes across as a tortured young man without a clear direction in his life. He tries to do the right thing, but gets lost along the way. I liked the references to books and poems, it brought depth to the story.
Areas to focus on for revision: It was not clear what the nature of the relationship was and why Justine was with him. He didn’t seem to bring much to the relationship as he was a heavy drinker, probably an alcoholic and a pot smoker who had difficulty pleasing her sexually. Justine had a real problem with his drinking and I didn’t know if he had always been a heavy drinker or if it had escalated. She had met his parents at some time and I wondered when that would have been and why she met them. I would have liked to know more about Justine and how they met.
An enjoyable read.
Thanks-Claudia

Claudia's Critique of Ayisha's Story

Claudia’s Critique of Ayisha’s story: Autumn Dream
Brief Summary: Amy, who is now 16, has a recurring dream of reuniting with Eric who she fell in love with, but never told her feelings to him. He went away to another school to study. She wakes up feeling regretful for not sharing her feelings with him.
Response: I enjoyed the story, the description of the autumn leaves and the manner in which they met. Ayisha has a nice setting for her story. It seems they had a friendship which turned into more for Amy and I felt sad for her at the end as it was an unrequited love.
Areas to focus on for revision: Would like to know more about Amy and Eric’s relationship before he left. She was young so might have her reflect on her “crush” she has on him. I don’t know how old Eric is or was when they met. Wanted to know more about the town and how it had changed. This could be a metaphor for how her feelings had changed.
Overall a nice story.
Thanks-Claudia

Claudia's Response to Heidi's Poems

Claudia’s Response to Heidi’s Poems:

Claudia’s Response to Heidi’s Poems:
“Education”—It is very clear in this poem how the writer feels about technology replacing good old fashioned learning in todays educational system. It does seem that students today need more of an entertainment factor in the classroom, otherwise they become bored. I like the line,” This isn’t a business with customers to please.” I am not sure if there are studies to back up that technology is the only cause of ADHD, but perhaps it is a contributing cause. I felt that the poem took on an almost lecturing quality, so might rephrase some of the lines. I do agree that teaching is an art and we need more good teachers who are invested in teaching creatively without the use of gadgets. But, I also believe that computers have a place in the classroom and they are certainly here to stay. A thought provoking poem.
Thanks-Claudia
“Library Smell”—Great title, I love it. I, too, enjoy the smell of a library and of books in general so it was easy to identify with the writer. While reading this poem I wanted to know what truth was overwhelming and why wouldn’t the writer want the knowing? I felt like I wanted to know more. Enjoyable poem.
Thanks-Claudia

Takira's Response to Saira's Story

Your story was very interesting. I liked it a lot. I liked Ashley’s character because her brief story of her pass resembles many people I actually know. The story had a very emotional touch to it and made me feel for Ashley a little more than I did for her son. I am curious as to what would happen to her son. I would like to know if the family took care of him and how did he react to his mother’s death. My only critique is to maybe give more on what happens next because there was really no ending. It seemed to be more of the beginning to a story.

Takira's Response to Josh's Story

I liked your story. It was an easy read and realistic. I liked the part in the story where Danny put the diamond in the teddy bear for his wife. I thought it was a nice way of showing how Danny was prepared for the worst that could possibly happen due to his decision to go back to his old days. I also liked that he took his family out the house so that they would not see repo men were taking their things. The only problem I had with the story was that you gave your opinion about many of the characters as the writer instead of maybe having them be Danny’s opinion.

Takira's Response to Liz's Story

I really enjoyed your story. I liked how you started it off with a dialogue. I liked the characters in the story. It reminded me of a perfect American family. I loved the interaction between the family and how they were all there for each other. The switch in the story when the car crash took place had me gasping because it felt like I was actually in the scene watching it happen as it was happening. It was very emotional and had me waiting to see what was going to happen. I ending was so sad to read and made me almost cry. The only thing I would have liked to know more about was Josie. Just a little more about her character would be great.

Takira's Response to Lena's Poem

Intoxication by Nature is about a woman’s love for nature, Mother Nature. Bad Dream is about losing a close friend to Cancer. I really liked both of your poems. Both were really good and had me wanting more. I loved Intoxication by Nature because I can relate to the lines. I loved the imagery and metaphors. It made the poem seem more real and personal. I loved the personification in the poem. Bad Dream was very touching. I couldn’t imagine what it would be like to lose someone you are so close to. I love the beginning. It kept me intrigued with every line. I don’t really have too much of a critique for you. Can’t wait to read more of your poems!

Patrick's response to Liz's story "Josie"

I liked this story very much, even though it was sad and shocking at the end. I thought the writer did a very good job of portraying the family. The reader got a strong sense of the family dynamic that was going on. The dialogue works well throughout and its very tight and crisp. I like how the story started with dialogue and then proceeded to get into the plot line, she mixed the dialogue and story line very well, she had a good balance there. The reader left me wanting to know more though. She got me really engaged and interested and I want to know what happens next. How are kyle, Jayme and Cayden going to deal with the the loss of Josie. So, to me it was almost like the story was a prelude into a much bigger story. I think this story has a lot of potential and promise, but I think the real story lies in what will happen next. There is a lot of options open for her as to what she could do with it. I think it would be neat if she centered it strictly around Kyle and Jamie and how they are dealing with the changes. She could have the man driving the car that killed Josie get off on the charges and because of that Jayme and Kyle have to see him around town, like when they are out to eat and at the grocery store.
But overall I liked the story and I look forward to reading Liz's next submission.

Melda’s critique of “Resurrection” by Saira Malik

I like that you describe Ashley very well. You tell us what she looks like, how much she loves her son, her financial status, etc. We can tell you thought out the character well, especially when you describe why she is not connected with her family. Her father beat her when she was growing up and her mother left her and her brothers at the age of 10. Other than her son, Ashley does not have connections to her family. On the other hand, I did not like how the story ended. If your story is about a resurrection of Ashley’s past than why didn’t you show us the meeting she had with her family? To me it felt as if you cut the story too short.

Melda's response to Lena Redding "Bad Dream"

This poem is about someone who has lost someone dear to them due to a disease and how painful it is to say goodbye.
I like how realistic the poem is. You describe the pain of losing someone close to you pretty well. Also, I love the line, "Memories of him hit me like a huge waterfall." It is very powerful to imagine how these emotions feel as a waterfall. On the other hand, it is not clear whether or not you are talking about a former lover or someone else that is close to you. I am curious as to who this poem is about and how the two characters are related. I would have loved if that was clear.

Melda's response to Lena Redding "Intoxication by Nature"

This poem is about someone who in intrigued with nature so much so that it gives him/her a "high" feeling.
I like the various imagery lines you use to emphasize how beautiful nature is. For example, you say, "Trembling leaves that shift and envelop my body." Also, I like that the nature is a female and that you give her characteristics and traits. However, you could have kept going more with giving Mother Nature more personal traits. I would have liked to see more of it.

Melda's response to Liz Wenrich "Josie"

I like how you set up your story so that we can see how perfect this family is. The family consists of loving parents and two kids who all get along perfectly. Your story illustrates that nobody is perfect because their world gets crushed when they find out that Josie died in the car accident. One way you could improve your story is to talk more about Josie and her daily habits, her likes/dislikes, etc. because, after all, your story's title is "Josie."

Melda's response to John Nuckolls "Don't call it a comeback"

I found it interesting how much you liked your character, even though he does some bad things. Also, I like how clear you made it as to who is talking in the story. For example, every time Danny spoke you stated clearly, "Danny speaks." On the other hand, I did not think the title suited the story very well. The title is "Don’t call it a Comeback," but I do not think the story is about a comeback…it is more about a desperate father who is trying to provide for him family.

Liz's Response to Josh's Story

Response to Josh Nuckolls’ “Don’t Call it a Comeback”
This was a story about Danny Robbins, a fighter who lost his career as a pro MMA fighter. All of his possessions were about to be taken away from him and he resorted to his old life of “ghetto crime” to support his family. During the robbery of a jewelry store he was shot and died a few hours later, but not before stuffing a valuable diamond in his son’s teddy bear to keep his family financially secure.
I thought this was an interesting story. It was enjoyable to read and also believable. I liked the dialogue and conversations between the characters in the story because it really gave the reader a sense of who these people are and how they act. I also liked how you showed that, even though Danny had a rough exterior, he still had compassion and cared about his kids. I thought the fact that he didn’t want his kids to know what he was doing to support them and that he stashed the diamond was really showing to his true character. Some parts that confused me were some of the dialogue paragraphs: i.e. when the family is talking and Joe asks where the cars went, the paragraph gets confusing between dialogue and the narrator. I was also confused as to where the wife and kids were going to stay if everything was being taken away from them and how the kids would not know what was going on if they went home and everything was gone? In all, I enjoyed this story.

Claudia's Critique of Resurrection by Saira Malik

Claudia's Critique of Resurrection by Saira Malik
Brief Summary: This is the story of a young, single mother who has been diagnosed with a brain tumor and given only 2-4 months to live. She needs to find someone to care for her 4 yo son which is a dilemma since she has been at odds with her family for years. She needs to resurrect her past in order to have a family member take care of her son.
Response: A sad story written to pull at heartstrings. The thought of a young mother dying and being unable to come up with a responsible person to care for her son is heartbreaking. I like the opening line as it grabs the reader. The part when she is questioning why her is very real. The memories she describes help develop her character and gives the reader a sense of why she has been apart from her family. The ending leaves me wanting to know what will happen tomorrow.
Areas/Focus for revision: 1.I didn’t know Miles relationship with Ashley and why she called him first. 2. I wanted to know why the boy’s father wasn’t in his life.3. Why didn’t she have a close friend she could have left him with?
I enjoyed this story although it was another sad one.
Thanks Saira-Claudia

Claudia's Critique of Don't Call it a Comeback by Josh Nuckolls

Claudia’s Critique of” Don’t Call it a Comeback” by Josh Nucholls
Brief Summary: Josh writes a sad tale of an Afican-American man who had the American Dream but lost everything when he couldn’t fight in the MMA anymore. Danny Robbins turned to crime to make fast money and lost his life in so doing, leaving behind a girlfriend and twin boys. He put a huge diamond ring from the robbery in a stuffed bear which his wife found, which would be used to support the boys.
Response: I liked that Josh wrote of a different race and used realistic dialogue to keep true to his characters. Some of this language,however, was shocking to the reader. The storyline was creative and has real potential. I felt sorry for Danny’s boys. It was sad that the only solution to Danny’s problems was to resort to robbing a jewelry store. Not very uplifting.
Areas/Focus for revision: The stereotypes pop out at the reader and I am wondering if that was intentional. Would Danny have said to his son,”cut that shit out”? The language did shock me, but maybe that was purposeful.
Josh, an interesting story that moved along.
Thanks-Claudia

Claudia's Response to Lena's Poems

Claudia Blaize: Response to Bad Dream & Intoxication by Nature-Lena Redding
Bad Dream:
A very sad poem of the loss of the writer’s best friend who was also her first love. I felt that you had actually experienced this death as your descriptions of his body as it was being destroyed by cancer were quite accurate. I liked many of your lines, esp.,”Tired of crying from the eyes that betray me” and “His sinking inward smile thinning out”, and “His corpse like a masquerade mannequin”. You made me feel your pain and loss. I did get a bit of a jolt when you wrote about climbing into the coffin with his dead body. Wasn’t sure if it was real or metaphorical in nature.

Intoxication by Nature:
This poem also speaks about love, but not of a person, of mother nature and all she has to offer. Perhaps this was written after your first love died as you write,”Decade and a half of solitude resolved with peace within and companionship with nature”. Was nature a solace after experiencing that human loss? You write that you “love” and “trust” it completely. Maybe it is that nature cannot let you down as relationships with people can. I liked the line,”Brightness seeps throughout the dark green canopies”. Good visualization. I didn’t understand the last line, so would need clarification of what you meant.
Two beautiful poems Lena.
Thanks-Claudia

claudia's critique of Josie by Liz Wenrich

Claudia's Critique of Josie:

Brief Summary of the story:
This is a “nice” story about a typical young family going through the paces of daily life. A hard working dad, a stay at home mom (maybe), raising two young children in what seems to be a small town. A car accident totally destroys their existence as they lose their daughter, Josie.
Response: I liked how you set the scenes to reflect this typical family going about their lives as any other young family might be doing. The dialogue seemed realistic and well placed. If the reader has ever been in an accident, the description of the crash happening in, “slow motion…without control of her body” is so true. Also liked that the dad told Josie he loved her before he left, reminding the reader of the importance of saying those words to people we love when saying goodbye as it may be the last time. “The screams were sharp and filled with terror” was an impactful line. A very sad story as this is something that can change a family forever and that we read about in the paper, unfortunately on an almost daily basis.
Areas /focus for revision: 1.The dad is in a hurry to leave the house, yet he winds up staying long enough to watch TV with his son and then get Josie dressed, etc. A little confusing. 2. Since he “…was always forgetting things” I thought that his wife might get frustrated or at least exasperated with him. Maybe more of a reaction from her about this bad habit. 3. Perhaps have more visceral reaction from Kyle as he is hearing this horrific tragedy unfold and he is helpless to do anything about it.4.The ending left me wondering if Josie was dead or missing. Was this purposeful? I liked that it made me think about what may have happened and that this seemingly”normal” story could turn into a Stephen King thriller. I could also be way off base.
I really enjoyed reading your story.
Thanks--Claudia