Reflections is about the colors reflected in the water at nighttime. Revolutions is about being lost and confused in a big, busy city like New York.
I liked your poems. They were really good. I liked ‘Reflections’ the best. Your word choice in the poem was great especially the first stanza. It was very descriptive and imaginative. I liked both poems. I could feel the words of the lines you wrote. Each line implicated a different feeling and reaction in Revolutions. It made me feel as if I was an unfamiliar in the big city lost and confused. I don’t have any critiques for you.
Wednesday, September 30, 2009
Takira's Response to Katie
Your story was very interesting. I liked it. It had me speechless at the end because just like the town, I wouldn’t expect them to do what they did. You did a very good job in developing the characters in a way that would have the reader in shock like the people in the town the girls lived in. I liked the detail in the plan the girls came up with in such a short period of time. I don’t have too much of a critique besides maybe letting us know what happened when the town found out.
Takira's Response to Adam
I absolutely LOVED your story! It reminds me of my family, except there are 16 grandchildren. It kept me laughing and wanting more. I liked the paragraph on page 5 (starting with “so we all got back into position like good boys and girls”) the best. It was hilarious and I could imagine what happened if I was there. You made the story realistic and fun to read. I also like “the look”. I can definitely relate to that because my cousins and I also do that when we are about to do something. I don’t really have too much of a critique. I would just like to know what the grandmother did with the picture.
Takira's Response to Kathleen
I loved your story. The opening paragraph was funny and interesting. It made me want to read the rest of the story. Brian kept me laughing with his personality and the way he thought about things. I liked that you used something as simple as a tree for inspiration and the one piece of art that Brian would finish. I like the part where Brian lost his job. It reminded me of a movie scene where the person who is getting fired always says something irrelevant to the conversation out of wrong assumptions. My only problem with the story was that I wasn’t really sure what Brian’s routine was. I couldn’t figure out if what he did when he got in the house was an everyday thing or just that day. Otherwise I loved the story and look forward to reading more.
Takira's Response to Scott
I liked your story. It was interesting to read. I liked the story switch between the two groups of boys and then bring them together. It was very interesting that the young men would steal from their friend’s younger brother. I also liked the dialogue between the guys. The only thing that confused me was the switch in the beginning from the three young men to the two young boys. I would only suggest a better transition between the two scenarios. I really liked your story otherwise and look forward to reading more of your work in class and hearing it. Good job!
Takira's Response to Seth
I really enjoyed your story. It is a good example of how a ‘good and normal perfect family’ could be very dysfunctional and broken. This just shows that everyone has family problems behind doors. I loved all the characters in the story, especially the father. I loved the use of the Cher song that makes the neighbor questionable like Charles Sr because of the stereotype. I really enjoyed the story. The only thing I was a little confused by was which Charles you were talking about at times. My only suggestion is to specify Jr. or Sr. But I can’t wait to read more of your work.
Takira's Response to Valarie
I loved your story. I was and still am surprised by the ending. I sat with my mouth wide open for a minute because I was so surprised. I liked the dialogue. It made the story feel more personal because I knew what the characters were actually saying and feeling. It was very interesting from the beginning to the end. It keeps me wanting more. I thought about what could happen next and if Elle ever got out of the mental institution, if Sonya ever confessed, did anyone get convicted for the crime, or was the case left unsolved. Although I really like the ending, it would be nice to know what happened to the girls. Overall I thought this was a great story and can’t wait to read more of your work.
Patrick's response to Josh's story
I really enjoyed this story. I thought it was a really clever idea for a story. The central character was very distinct and well developed. The reader knew what kind of man danny was and how he felt towards his family. I think you get a clear sense of what he wants and what he is willing to do in order to make things right for his family. He is definitely a man of sacrifice and I think that is a strong part of the story. Putting the dimond in the bear at the end was a great twist that i wansnt expecting, i thought he was just going to die and leave his family with nothing, so I'm glad the ending was uplifting. However one main problem that i encountered was the dialogue. It was cluttered in with the narrative and it became hard to follow. The writer should break paragraph during dialogue so the reader knows exactly who is speaking. But overall i enjoyed this story and i am looking forward to reading josh's next submission.
Patrick's resopnse to Saira's story
I really enjoyed reading this story. It was very well written and had a good story line going throughout. The central character development was very good. The reader gets a very strong sense of who ashley is and what she ultimately wants. Of course one can't help but feel sad and emotional for ashley, but that's how some story's are and in this case it's not a bad thing. One gets the sense that ashley's son is going to turn out ok. I like how the writer decided to end the story where she did, it definitely makes you ask yourself some questions. However i think extending it would also work in this case. The writer goes into so much detail about the alienation alshley feels towards her family, that one really wants to know how they will react to her situation. So maybe the writer could keep those things in mind if she decides to keep working on it. But overall I really enjoyed!
Tuesday, September 29, 2009
heidi's response to Adam's story
“Photogratastrophe”
The opening paragraph has good description and brings the reader into the story. It’s a cute story and the humor makes it engaging. The ending with the grandmother is a nice finish. The exposition takes over, though, and the story loses some of the reader’s interest because it focuses on telling rather than showing. Listing descriptions of the characters’ appearance in the second paragraph of the story is particularly detrimental to getting the reader involved, as there doesn’t really seem to be a point to them. Descriptions and dialogue need to be incorporated into the story while moving the plot along.
The opening paragraph has good description and brings the reader into the story. It’s a cute story and the humor makes it engaging. The ending with the grandmother is a nice finish. The exposition takes over, though, and the story loses some of the reader’s interest because it focuses on telling rather than showing. Listing descriptions of the characters’ appearance in the second paragraph of the story is particularly detrimental to getting the reader involved, as there doesn’t really seem to be a point to them. Descriptions and dialogue need to be incorporated into the story while moving the plot along.
heidi's response to Kadie's story
“The Churchies”
The premise of this story seems unique and the idea of these girls being called ‘Churchies’ is interesting. The story itself has potential, but it needs to be fleshed out tremendously. The main issue is that it’s all exposition--all telling and no showing. It loses my attention after the second paragraph because it doesn’t seem to be going anywhere. There is no way to distinguish any of the characters and no significant conflict develops. Much more description, character development, and conflict need to be added.
The premise of this story seems unique and the idea of these girls being called ‘Churchies’ is interesting. The story itself has potential, but it needs to be fleshed out tremendously. The main issue is that it’s all exposition--all telling and no showing. It loses my attention after the second paragraph because it doesn’t seem to be going anywhere. There is no way to distinguish any of the characters and no significant conflict develops. Much more description, character development, and conflict need to be added.
heidi's response to Kathleen's story
“Self-Portrait”
The story itself is appealing, and it brings in the reader, making him want to learn what’s going to happen. The dialogue and descriptions seem realistic and contribute to the development and appeal of the character. The occasional bits of humor help keep the reader interested and help create sympathy for the main character, too. The strongest element of the story is towards the end when Brian is painting the tree, i.e. himself. The symbolism is meaningful and cleverly explained, and the final line is an effective finish to the story.It seems that maybe too much time is spent at the beginning of the story, whereas it’d be better off spent towards the end with more elaboration on Brian’s artistic epiphany.
The story itself is appealing, and it brings in the reader, making him want to learn what’s going to happen. The dialogue and descriptions seem realistic and contribute to the development and appeal of the character. The occasional bits of humor help keep the reader interested and help create sympathy for the main character, too. The strongest element of the story is towards the end when Brian is painting the tree, i.e. himself. The symbolism is meaningful and cleverly explained, and the final line is an effective finish to the story.It seems that maybe too much time is spent at the beginning of the story, whereas it’d be better off spent towards the end with more elaboration on Brian’s artistic epiphany.
heidi's response to Becca's poems
“Reflections”
This poem describes a beautiful sunset over the water.
You have a lot of good images (‘on a liquid stage,’ ‘chaotic beauty, for example) that make this a nice poem. The personification is particularly well done. The fact that the poem generally has two to three words on each line also works well with the idea of a sunset, as it gives the reader a sense of downward movement, like the sun setting.
What might make the poem even better is to be more specific about what you want the reader to see. Give specific colors, for example. Also, maybe make it more of a story by giving the colors/lights emotions and show them interacting with each other and/or their mother, the sun. Because it’s rather vague, it doesn’t bring in the reader as much as it could.
“Revolutions”
The poem seems to be relating the speaker’s feelings for being in a big city.
The title has a pleasant ambiguity, and the first three lines create a nice paradox, creating a setting of confusion right from the start. Then, words like ‘running,’ ‘whirring,’ ‘spinning,’ and ‘rotating’ give the reader a feeling of going around in a circle, or revolving. Other words also evoke specific images they speak of, such as ‘Flashing/ Neon/ Lights.’ There is a definite feeling of being lost, and this seems to be consistent throughout the poem.
It’s not clear, however, how the last three lines of the poem fit in with the rest. The image is interesting, but it’s not clear how this is a result of all that was written beforehand. Perhaps form more of a bridge between the majority of the poem and the last three lines.
This poem describes a beautiful sunset over the water.
You have a lot of good images (‘on a liquid stage,’ ‘chaotic beauty, for example) that make this a nice poem. The personification is particularly well done. The fact that the poem generally has two to three words on each line also works well with the idea of a sunset, as it gives the reader a sense of downward movement, like the sun setting.
What might make the poem even better is to be more specific about what you want the reader to see. Give specific colors, for example. Also, maybe make it more of a story by giving the colors/lights emotions and show them interacting with each other and/or their mother, the sun. Because it’s rather vague, it doesn’t bring in the reader as much as it could.
“Revolutions”
The poem seems to be relating the speaker’s feelings for being in a big city.
The title has a pleasant ambiguity, and the first three lines create a nice paradox, creating a setting of confusion right from the start. Then, words like ‘running,’ ‘whirring,’ ‘spinning,’ and ‘rotating’ give the reader a feeling of going around in a circle, or revolving. Other words also evoke specific images they speak of, such as ‘Flashing/ Neon/ Lights.’ There is a definite feeling of being lost, and this seems to be consistent throughout the poem.
It’s not clear, however, how the last three lines of the poem fit in with the rest. The image is interesting, but it’s not clear how this is a result of all that was written beforehand. Perhaps form more of a bridge between the majority of the poem and the last three lines.
heidi's response to Josh's story
“Don’t Call It a Comeback” Right off the back, the author gets the reader involved in the story and wanting to know what is going to happen. The dialogue helps develop the story, as well as the characters, and seems believable. The use of dialect is good; but, in a way, it also feels a bit cliché. Nevertheless, the story moves along and, even though it is rather predictable, it still keeps the reader reading. The ending would be more effective if it were more developed. The way it is now has a sense of being hurried, so further details about Danny dying and Natasha finding the diamond would make it more interesting.
heidi's response to Liz's story
“Josie”
The author does a good job of creating tension at the beginning of the story and setting the reader up for something bad to happen because the story starts off in such an idealistic setting. It almost felt like watching a movie where one is just waiting for the tragedy to happen. The descriptions and dialogue seem realistic and set a believable tone to the story. The line “face was so scrunched that it resembled that of a bull dog” was particularly good at giving a visual. Dialogue and description generally worked to move the story along and seemed to have purpose. The one aspect that was lacking was a satisfying conclusion. It seemed like there needed to be more revelation of the impact the child’s death had on the parents, particularly Kyle.
The author does a good job of creating tension at the beginning of the story and setting the reader up for something bad to happen because the story starts off in such an idealistic setting. It almost felt like watching a movie where one is just waiting for the tragedy to happen. The descriptions and dialogue seem realistic and set a believable tone to the story. The line “face was so scrunched that it resembled that of a bull dog” was particularly good at giving a visual. Dialogue and description generally worked to move the story along and seemed to have purpose. The one aspect that was lacking was a satisfying conclusion. It seemed like there needed to be more revelation of the impact the child’s death had on the parents, particularly Kyle.
heidi's response to Lena's poems
Bad Dream”
...describes a girl watching her first love die of cancer and her reaction to his eventual death. There is some good use of descriptive language, such as “Flooding away part of me” and the general description of the dead body. The best line was “His faith helped him travel on in bittersweet surrender of(to?) the end.” Some of the images created are strong and impact the reader in a powerful way; other images, however, are unclear and rather confusing, as it is not clear what the intent is, such as “Tears keep falling like streams with outstretched roots.” Also, there are spots where there is no transition and it is not clear how or why one line follows the next. One other aspect that could use some work is in continuity. Sometimes a blunt, literal description of the boy’s condition is inserted and it seems out of place because most of the description is figurative.
“Intoxication by Nature”...explains the pleasure and joy the speaker gets from connecting with and being part of Nature. The title itself is quite evocative and does a good job of capturing the intent of the poem. There is a very sensual feel to many of the descriptions, which helps in the creation of more vivid images. Lines such as “I’m lost and don’t want to find my way back” and “I fantasize the intricate landscapes of your body” emphasize the importance of Nature to the speaker and show her desire to mesh with Nature and become part of it. A suggestion for this poem is to make sure that the images and intent of the images is clear—don’t simply put together words that sound good if they don’t completely make sense. In general, make sure that how you intend a line is also the way it comes across to the reader.
...describes a girl watching her first love die of cancer and her reaction to his eventual death. There is some good use of descriptive language, such as “Flooding away part of me” and the general description of the dead body. The best line was “His faith helped him travel on in bittersweet surrender of(to?) the end.” Some of the images created are strong and impact the reader in a powerful way; other images, however, are unclear and rather confusing, as it is not clear what the intent is, such as “Tears keep falling like streams with outstretched roots.” Also, there are spots where there is no transition and it is not clear how or why one line follows the next. One other aspect that could use some work is in continuity. Sometimes a blunt, literal description of the boy’s condition is inserted and it seems out of place because most of the description is figurative.
“Intoxication by Nature”...explains the pleasure and joy the speaker gets from connecting with and being part of Nature. The title itself is quite evocative and does a good job of capturing the intent of the poem. There is a very sensual feel to many of the descriptions, which helps in the creation of more vivid images. Lines such as “I’m lost and don’t want to find my way back” and “I fantasize the intricate landscapes of your body” emphasize the importance of Nature to the speaker and show her desire to mesh with Nature and become part of it. A suggestion for this poem is to make sure that the images and intent of the images is clear—don’t simply put together words that sound good if they don’t completely make sense. In general, make sure that how you intend a line is also the way it comes across to the reader.
heidi's response to Seth's story
"Southern Upbringing”
The introduction is nicely done and creates a realistic setting, even to the point of providing clever details. The story definitely captures the reader’s interest with some rather bizarre depictions of characters. It also does a nice job of showing rather than telling, making it a lot more appealing and able to hold the reader’s attention. The most notable example of this is when he communicates the mother’s (Harriet) drinking problem by showing the different types of drinks she has and when. One area that I’m unsure about is exactly what time period this is supposed to be set in, as the reference to Cher songs threw me off. Also, the humor is great, but sometimes it feels like it takes away from the story instead of adding to it; and I don’t feel like the story really came to a satisfying close.
The introduction is nicely done and creates a realistic setting, even to the point of providing clever details. The story definitely captures the reader’s interest with some rather bizarre depictions of characters. It also does a nice job of showing rather than telling, making it a lot more appealing and able to hold the reader’s attention. The most notable example of this is when he communicates the mother’s (Harriet) drinking problem by showing the different types of drinks she has and when. One area that I’m unsure about is exactly what time period this is supposed to be set in, as the reference to Cher songs threw me off. Also, the humor is great, but sometimes it feels like it takes away from the story instead of adding to it; and I don’t feel like the story really came to a satisfying close.
heidi's response to Scott's story
“The Misfits” The short story has a realistic use of dialogue, and one could hear the characters actually speaking. Also, the dialogue helps the story progress and moves the action forward rather than just being a pointless exchange of words. The description of the setting is consistent and is subtly worked in. Using present tense for this story may not be the best, and it was sort of jarring when I first began reading. Whatever tense you choose, though, make sure it remains the same throughout. The main difficulty with the story is that it’s not clear what exactly the story is, nor are the characters really distinct from one another.
heidi's response to Takira's poems
“My Serenity” is about the author’s romantic longing for someone who doesn’t seem to have any romantic feelings for her. In an attempt to bring in the reader, the poem begins with questions, and this can be a good way of bringing the reader into the writer’s world. There is some evocative imagery that has a pleasant and positive effect on the reader’s senses and contributes to the understanding of the author’s strong feelings for the person she’s writing about. The word ‘serenity’ has a strong presence in and of itself, and it would benefit the poem were that word to be worked in more frequently. Both the sound of the word and the simple repetition of it would reinforce the overall intent of the poem. The poem does seem to wander and lose itself in musings that don’t always contribute to a particular point. Also, the questions, though a good idea, are rather cliché, which doesn’t contribute to inviting the reader in as much as they could. Questions that might be more effective would be ones that provoke the reader and make him think. The reader would be enticed to continue reading if his curiosity is piqued.
“Bleeding Heart” is the author’s insight into much of the suffering that goes on in this world that many people may not be aware of. There are some powerful images and thought-provoking situations mentioned. The last stanza is a clean finish and ties up the poem nicely. The first five stanzas tend to be repetitive, however, which takes away from the strength of some of the images presented and causes it to become somewhat predictable. Using fewer examples, choosing only the most impactful, would probably increase the effectiveness of the poem’s point. Be careful of some of the rhymes as well, as they sometimes seem forced.
“Bleeding Heart” is the author’s insight into much of the suffering that goes on in this world that many people may not be aware of. There are some powerful images and thought-provoking situations mentioned. The last stanza is a clean finish and ties up the poem nicely. The first five stanzas tend to be repetitive, however, which takes away from the strength of some of the images presented and causes it to become somewhat predictable. Using fewer examples, choosing only the most impactful, would probably increase the effectiveness of the poem’s point. Be careful of some of the rhymes as well, as they sometimes seem forced.
Liz Wenrich's Response to Saira's Resurrection
Response to Saira’s “Resurrection”
This story was about a single mother who finds out she has cancer. All she wants is for her son to be in good hands after she is gone. She decides to go to the family who hurt her so badly to try and find a home for her son, Adam.
I thought this story was interesting. It gave good insight into the life of not only a person with cancer and dealing with knowing you will die, but also going through that with no one to really turn to in that time of need. I thought it was good that you gave information about her dad beating her and those descriptions were really good with the whishing of the belt and what not. It helps the reader understand and put themselves in her shoes to understand how it was so hard for her to ask them for help. I think maybe the piece could use more sentence variation? And also I really want to know what actually happens in the meeting.
This story was about a single mother who finds out she has cancer. All she wants is for her son to be in good hands after she is gone. She decides to go to the family who hurt her so badly to try and find a home for her son, Adam.
I thought this story was interesting. It gave good insight into the life of not only a person with cancer and dealing with knowing you will die, but also going through that with no one to really turn to in that time of need. I thought it was good that you gave information about her dad beating her and those descriptions were really good with the whishing of the belt and what not. It helps the reader understand and put themselves in her shoes to understand how it was so hard for her to ask them for help. I think maybe the piece could use more sentence variation? And also I really want to know what actually happens in the meeting.
Liz Wenrich's Response to Lena's Poems
Response to Lena’s “Bad Dream”
I thought this poem drew a lot of emotion. I liked how you described the effects of the chemo—especially the line that says “Too tired from the chemo, Too weak to open his 16th birthday presents.” It really shows the helplessness a child with cancer goes through. However, I thought throughout the story you kind of veered away from the bad dream theme? Maybe mention it towards the end or keep a reoccurring theme. I thought this was a great poem though!
Response to Lena’s “Intoxication by Nature”
I liked your approach on this poem and, once again, I liked your descriptions. I liked the line “I’m lost and I don’t want to find my way back.” The reader really gets the sense of being in nature and I can put myself in the narrator’s position. One thing that confused me was the “I will cry for no reason” and “I will laugh for no reason” lines. I just thought they were random and I don’t see where they really connect with the rest of the poem. Overall, I thought it was a good poem.
I thought this poem drew a lot of emotion. I liked how you described the effects of the chemo—especially the line that says “Too tired from the chemo, Too weak to open his 16th birthday presents.” It really shows the helplessness a child with cancer goes through. However, I thought throughout the story you kind of veered away from the bad dream theme? Maybe mention it towards the end or keep a reoccurring theme. I thought this was a great poem though!
Response to Lena’s “Intoxication by Nature”
I liked your approach on this poem and, once again, I liked your descriptions. I liked the line “I’m lost and I don’t want to find my way back.” The reader really gets the sense of being in nature and I can put myself in the narrator’s position. One thing that confused me was the “I will cry for no reason” and “I will laugh for no reason” lines. I just thought they were random and I don’t see where they really connect with the rest of the poem. Overall, I thought it was a good poem.
Patrick's response to Lena's poems
Lena,
I really enjoyed reading the poems you submitted. I found both of them very emotionally driven and honest. I like how intoxication by nature rises and falls. And your word usage provides wonderful imagery for the reader. The word usage in "Bad Dream was also chosen wonderfully. I really liked the line about the willow tree and the vines. It was a very powerful line. I believe your poems possess a distinct human quality and i think that's great. Keep up the goo writing. I look forward to reading your next submission.
I really enjoyed reading the poems you submitted. I found both of them very emotionally driven and honest. I like how intoxication by nature rises and falls. And your word usage provides wonderful imagery for the reader. The word usage in "Bad Dream was also chosen wonderfully. I really liked the line about the willow tree and the vines. It was a very powerful line. I believe your poems possess a distinct human quality and i think that's great. Keep up the goo writing. I look forward to reading your next submission.
Critique: "Bad Dream" and "Intoxication by Nature" by Lena Redding
"Bad Dream"
This is an interesting poem; there is a nice flow of words and lines throughout. The author does a nice job of exposing the boy's illness without losing the poetic feel. I don't particularly agree/understand when the narrator gets into the coffin; in a whole, I don't think those lines fit with the realism of the beginning.
"Intoxication by Nature"
I like the way you describe nature/ mother earth. I especially enjoy the lines, "You embellish the bottom floors with a collage of flowers, mosses, ferns, and bushes. You adorn me the gift of sight to enjoy your beauty." However, I get lost toward the end of the poem, I pick up the sense that nature strikes back; "Your bright violent colors strike me to the point of no return... ...While weeping trees lash out on my face."
I liked the author's work overall, except I think the endings could be done differently.
This is an interesting poem; there is a nice flow of words and lines throughout. The author does a nice job of exposing the boy's illness without losing the poetic feel. I don't particularly agree/understand when the narrator gets into the coffin; in a whole, I don't think those lines fit with the realism of the beginning.
"Intoxication by Nature"
I like the way you describe nature/ mother earth. I especially enjoy the lines, "You embellish the bottom floors with a collage of flowers, mosses, ferns, and bushes. You adorn me the gift of sight to enjoy your beauty." However, I get lost toward the end of the poem, I pick up the sense that nature strikes back; "Your bright violent colors strike me to the point of no return... ...While weeping trees lash out on my face."
I liked the author's work overall, except I think the endings could be done differently.
Review/ Critique: "Resurrection" by Saira Malik
Review
"Resurrection" takes place during the last months of a woman. She has a large tumor in her brain that is past repair and medical attention. The woman's dilemma is finding a suitable home for her son. She has the choice of a foster home or leaving her child with a family member. Ashley/Karla has severe family ties, so she intends to have a family meeting to justify those ties, and resurrect her past.
Critique
Reading this reminded me of the story "Josie" due to its family theme and tragedy. I particularly enjoyed the cliffhanger aspect of the story which lead me to want more information on what happens next. I also liked how the author placed in a specific though general location, Baltimore County, giving me a general sense of the area. Furthermore, there was a good description of character background for both Ashley and her father. One thing that stuck out to me was that I don't know the relation of Miles and the rest of the family, I'm not sure I got the full picture of who he is. Another thing is I was confused at one point of Ashley's location. "At the library she finally allowed herself to open the big thick yellow folder." Shortly after the author writes, "She gathered up her documents and left the bank."
"Resurrection" takes place during the last months of a woman. She has a large tumor in her brain that is past repair and medical attention. The woman's dilemma is finding a suitable home for her son. She has the choice of a foster home or leaving her child with a family member. Ashley/Karla has severe family ties, so she intends to have a family meeting to justify those ties, and resurrect her past.
Critique
Reading this reminded me of the story "Josie" due to its family theme and tragedy. I particularly enjoyed the cliffhanger aspect of the story which lead me to want more information on what happens next. I also liked how the author placed in a specific though general location, Baltimore County, giving me a general sense of the area. Furthermore, there was a good description of character background for both Ashley and her father. One thing that stuck out to me was that I don't know the relation of Miles and the rest of the family, I'm not sure I got the full picture of who he is. Another thing is I was confused at one point of Ashley's location. "At the library she finally allowed herself to open the big thick yellow folder." Shortly after the author writes, "She gathered up her documents and left the bank."
Seth's Response to Becca's Poem "Reflections"
Filled with beautiftul metaphors that vividly describe a sunset, "Reflections" has superb imagery.
Although it is free verse poetry there is still a need for punctuation. Properly placed commas and periods will not only add emphasis on certain words but it will also make for a more pleasurable reading/listening experience. If a reader recognizes the punctuation and speaks accordingly the lyrical sound of the poem is improved.
Although it is free verse poetry there is still a need for punctuation. Properly placed commas and periods will not only add emphasis on certain words but it will also make for a more pleasurable reading/listening experience. If a reader recognizes the punctuation and speaks accordingly the lyrical sound of the poem is improved.
Review/ Critique: "Josie" by Liz Wenrich
Review
"Josie" opens in the morning where a family prepares for the day. The family eats breakfast, then breaks for the day, the father heading to work, and the mother and children heading to the Smithson's. The mother finds her husband has left his roster at home and decides to make a pit stop at the fathers work and drop off the clipboard. While en route to the school, the mother makes a phone call to the husband, during which the mother and children are struck by another car. The husband hears everything and rushes to the scene only to find out Josie has died.
Critique
This was an intense story of loss. One of my favorite yet ultimately the more serious excerpt from the story is when Jayme is on the phone with Kyle. I feel the writer did a good job on creating a real time tension, with the way Jayme is cut off by the accident. The sentences following, "Probably about like-" are where I feel most of the tension occurs with the description of the car accident. One incident that confused me in the story was when Jayme was getting ready to take her children to the park. After stating the family was going to the park, the authors writes how the Smithson's live on a lake, so Jayme was to pack bread to feed the geese. After reading that part, I was unsure where the family was going. However, the author did clarify the Smithson's lived by the park later in the story.
"Josie" opens in the morning where a family prepares for the day. The family eats breakfast, then breaks for the day, the father heading to work, and the mother and children heading to the Smithson's. The mother finds her husband has left his roster at home and decides to make a pit stop at the fathers work and drop off the clipboard. While en route to the school, the mother makes a phone call to the husband, during which the mother and children are struck by another car. The husband hears everything and rushes to the scene only to find out Josie has died.
Critique
This was an intense story of loss. One of my favorite yet ultimately the more serious excerpt from the story is when Jayme is on the phone with Kyle. I feel the writer did a good job on creating a real time tension, with the way Jayme is cut off by the accident. The sentences following, "Probably about like-" are where I feel most of the tension occurs with the description of the car accident. One incident that confused me in the story was when Jayme was getting ready to take her children to the park. After stating the family was going to the park, the authors writes how the Smithson's live on a lake, so Jayme was to pack bread to feed the geese. After reading that part, I was unsure where the family was going. However, the author did clarify the Smithson's lived by the park later in the story.
Sunday, September 27, 2009
Lena's review for "Josie" by Liz Wenrich
“The squealing of the brakes was piercing, followed by the clanging of metal on metal. High pitched screams overpowered the sound of breaking glass and more bangs of collision. The screams were sharp and filled with terror.” This was a good description of the chaotic motion of the car accident. “The van hadn’t stopped spinning and Josie’s car-seat caught on underneath the front bumper of the car. She was shrieking in pain, being drug around with the front of the minivan.” This was good visual of the child car seat with Josie stuck under the car in front. You could specify more on the details of Josie’s death from the car accident.
Lena's review for "Reflection" and "Revolutions" by Becca Hutcheson
Reflections poem was about the sun interacting with the water surface. “Vibrant colors Softly dancing on a liquid stage and as they sway“I love the visual of the reflection of objects and the sun on the water. “Prancing about to no rhythm and in no orderly fashion it’s a chaotic beauty“I Like the visual explanations of the force and movement of the water tides and current as a dance. Could continue the slowing down of the rhythm of the water becoming quiet or still like a mirror with occasional animal or plant interaction across the water surface. The poem Revolutions was about the motion of a busy chaotic city. “Glass spinning doors Are swallowing people whole” I like the spinning doors continuing the theme of chaotic motion and personified as a monster or creature swallowing up the people. “Where have all the stars gone? The sky ate them up. Even the moonlight is fading now” I like this because it reminds me of a native American myth that when peoples of a tribe leave nature and become separate from nature they will lose the gift of sight and half of their selves of knowledge and insight. You could continue the revolutions with more motions from different city objects.
Lena's review for "The churchies" by Katie Kluttz
“The girls had tried their hardest in school, at work, at volunteer activities and in life to do their best for themselves and everyone around them yet they had nothing to show for it. “ I like this line because it describes their realization of giving their all and not receiving anything to show for. “There were some smiles and frowns about how the town would react to such an act by the most innocent girls in the entire community. They hoped that their parents were going to be alright and wished the best for everyone.” This line showed the different mixed emotions about the crime they committed. You could explain the names and different aspects of the four girls when they were at the slumber party.
Lena's review for "Photogratastrophe" by Adam Kite
“What we weren’t expecting to see was my cousin JD with the biggest, stupidest smile I’ve ever seen and his finger shoved into Greg’s ear down to the first knuckle.” I like this visual of the family being silly and not being serious when pictures are being taking. “We were all seated in the living room each with our own pile of Christmas presents and wrapping paper slung across the floor.” I like this description of a typical family Christmas with presents and wrapping paper in each area of the kids on the floor. You could describe more about the main character’s hobbies to explain why he had been through a hundred photo shoots.
Lena’s review for "Self Portrait" by Kathleen Deady
“Brian didn’t mind—he loved cloudy days. They gave him hope that it might rain, which put him in an especially good mood, as those days often brought inspiration.” I like this because it connects water drops with inspiration with painting. “Under a pile of old sketches, he found the blank canvas, and dropped the box, then promised the nagging voice inside his head that he would tidy up later.” I liked this line because it describes his immediate urge to get everything ready to paint the tree. You could explain more about Brian’s behavior previous before getting fired on the phone to explain his mood changing from depression to joking. You could explain what happens after he finishes the painting of the tree.
Lena’s review for " Serenity" and "Bleeding Heart" by Tekira Stokes
Serenity is about a person who loves this person but feels invisible by this person’s unawareness of her love for him. The strength and challenges of love are beautifully described and reflect her wishes of his love. I love the visual of loving a person. “Obstacles convince us that hearts are a mistake” I like the truth of the material mundane interfering and stressing love with two people. In this line “Like ecstasy your existence makes me crave a continuous ride” I like the expression of the roller coaster riding sensation when a person you love is in the same area and cannot get enough of the sensation. You can include the desired outcome to relate to the description of love. Bleeding heart is about a secluded thought or belief that a certain race is alone in the struggle of racism, poverty, political struggle, war, crime, drugs, rape, dysfunctional families, and negative behavior. All people of different races express being alone in struggles, this poem is great in expressing the isolated feelings of being persecuted and targeted of negative repercussions from within community of people. She expresses empathy for her people and the community. You can connect other worlds of people with the similar struggle to resemble all people suffer in an unjust world.
Lena’s review for “The blame game” by Valerie Kessler
I like the news being the first introduction of the story. The description of the characters’’ voices in dialogue is really good in setting the emotional tone of the characters talking to each other. She didn’t pay attention to what she put on; appearance was not her main concern. “She grabbed her car keys off the peg board, and jutted for her minivan, almost forgetting to shut the front door behind her.” I Like Alice’s urgency overruling her normal responsibilities. I also like the ending that the whole time it was Sonya. You could include what type of trouble Elle gotten into to lead up to the murder of her parents. Maybe write a little more about the outcome from the ending.
Lena’s review for “Misfits" by Scott Amrhein
Good dialogue usage between the characters. I love the usage of fall with the theme of the story. “On a brisk fall evening, rays of sunlight can be seen reaching through the trees, reminiscent of prison bars.” I like the imagery and reference to the story. I like the relation of the cat Paw startling Ziggy with Cooper the two ready to pounce out and rob Randolph and Billy. Describe a brief summary of the party that Randolph and Billy came from and what type of girl was there at the party that wasn’t Billy’s type. Describe the reputations and behaviors of Buzz, Cooper, and Ziggy.
Lena’s review for “Southern Upbringing” by Seth Albee
I like the descriptions of the plantation house and very detailed of the residents’ habits and living. The description of Charles’s mother Harriet reminds me of the roaring 20’s with flapper girls drinking heavily. I like the brief moments of memories of the family to the end of Charles’s parents life. I like the interaction of the Bellvie family with the servants, neighbors, environment, the reverend and his wife. Describe a scene of Charles Sr.’s Death to parallel with the description of Harriet’s death. Include male lovers or lover characters for Charles Sr. to interact with the family as friends but private lovers.
Friday, September 25, 2009
Claudia's response to Takiras poem, Bleeding Heart
Response:
This is such a powerful poem! It seems to flow from your heart and I can tell you feel deeply about the struggle of African-Americans in our society. You put words to a concept many of us only see from the outside looking in. This is not a “pretty” poem, nor do I think it was meant to be. You point out the realities of life for a people that extend from generation to generation. Hopefully this can change in our lifetime. I would love to share this with the troubled teens I work with. I think they could relate and it would open up a positive dialogue. Thanks for sharing, it is wonderful. Claudia Blaize
This is such a powerful poem! It seems to flow from your heart and I can tell you feel deeply about the struggle of African-Americans in our society. You put words to a concept many of us only see from the outside looking in. This is not a “pretty” poem, nor do I think it was meant to be. You point out the realities of life for a people that extend from generation to generation. Hopefully this can change in our lifetime. I would love to share this with the troubled teens I work with. I think they could relate and it would open up a positive dialogue. Thanks for sharing, it is wonderful. Claudia Blaize
Claudia's response to Takiras poem,My Serenity
Response:
This is a beautiful poem with wonderfully descriptive imagery that speaks of unrequited love, or that which cannot be obtained. At times I feel that you are talking about divine love, and at other times the love of a mother for her child. Yet you really make the reader feel the pain of not having those same, intense feelings of love returned. There is a sadness, a melancholy, a resignation and sense of settling for any kind of relationship just to be close to this person. You do leave the door open at the end as you hope this person will feel the same as you and you will wait patiently. I really enjoyed reading both of your poems. You have a natural talent.
Claudia Blaize
This is a beautiful poem with wonderfully descriptive imagery that speaks of unrequited love, or that which cannot be obtained. At times I feel that you are talking about divine love, and at other times the love of a mother for her child. Yet you really make the reader feel the pain of not having those same, intense feelings of love returned. There is a sadness, a melancholy, a resignation and sense of settling for any kind of relationship just to be close to this person. You do leave the door open at the end as you hope this person will feel the same as you and you will wait patiently. I really enjoyed reading both of your poems. You have a natural talent.
Claudia Blaize
claudia's critique of Scott's story
Brief Summary of the story:
Scott tells the story of 3 boys who smoke pot and drink alcohol as it seems they have a lot of spare time to be creative this way. They obviously don’t fit in with anyone else but themselves. They are misfits. Buzz has a younger brother, Randolph, who is more innocent, attending his first boy-girl party, but has the potential to become a misfit like his brother. They all seem to be heading for a life of crime.
Responses:
Interesting plot line and description of punks, with the insertion of Randolph and Billy to shed light on what it was like to be young and innocent. Nice use of metaphors and phrasing.(See above comments).
Would like to know more about the brothers relationship and what happened to Buzz at the end of the story.
Thanks,
Claudia Blaize
Scott tells the story of 3 boys who smoke pot and drink alcohol as it seems they have a lot of spare time to be creative this way. They obviously don’t fit in with anyone else but themselves. They are misfits. Buzz has a younger brother, Randolph, who is more innocent, attending his first boy-girl party, but has the potential to become a misfit like his brother. They all seem to be heading for a life of crime.
Responses:
Interesting plot line and description of punks, with the insertion of Randolph and Billy to shed light on what it was like to be young and innocent. Nice use of metaphors and phrasing.(See above comments).
Would like to know more about the brothers relationship and what happened to Buzz at the end of the story.
Thanks,
Claudia Blaize
claudia
Brief Summary of the story:
Valerie writes of identical twin sisters who are caught up in the murder of their parents. One of them, Elle, for all intents and purposes is the perpetrator. The ending has the ubiquitous plot twist of mistaken identity when the innocent twin takes the rap for the guilty one.
Responses:
I enjoyed the build up with all of the detailed description as to how Sonya and the aunt were feeling. Valerie really conveyed the sadness the aunt felt and how kind and caring both she and the uncle were. (See above comments in text)
I think the story could be condensed in revision, (easy for me to say as I have yet to start my story), but maybe leave out the little boys since they don’t seem to advance the plot line.
Overall, I enjoyed Valerie’s story.
Thanks,
Claudia Blaize
Valerie writes of identical twin sisters who are caught up in the murder of their parents. One of them, Elle, for all intents and purposes is the perpetrator. The ending has the ubiquitous plot twist of mistaken identity when the innocent twin takes the rap for the guilty one.
Responses:
I enjoyed the build up with all of the detailed description as to how Sonya and the aunt were feeling. Valerie really conveyed the sadness the aunt felt and how kind and caring both she and the uncle were. (See above comments in text)
I think the story could be condensed in revision, (easy for me to say as I have yet to start my story), but maybe leave out the little boys since they don’t seem to advance the plot line.
Overall, I enjoyed Valerie’s story.
Thanks,
Claudia Blaize
Claudia's critique of Seth's story
Brief Summary of Seth’s Story:
Seth weaves a tale of a terribly dysfunctional family struggling with social issues in the Deep South where tolerance of these issues is limited. It is the story of a boy raised by a father who is suppressing his homosexuality , and a mother who is an alcoholic and promiscuous as a result of a loveless marriage. It is a somewhat irreverent, tongue-in-cheek, account of the stereotypes within these characterizations,and how they can become the fatal flaws that lead to the demise of the mother as well as the family unit.
Comments:
Enjoyed reading your story, the setting and phrasing you used, especially the exclamations by the reverend. It was thought provoking and had a lot going on. Liked the quirkiness of the characters and description in the beginning of Charles Sr. Please reference comments in the text.
Would like to know more about when (era, year, time) the story took place. Why did Charles Sr. need to keep his homosexuality”hushed” and was Charles Jr. of an age where he could understand the concept of homosexuality? Sometimes got a little lost as to which “Charles” was being referenced. Maybe just add the Jr. or Sr. to clear that up.
Overall, an enjoyable read.
Thanks,
Claudia Blaize
Seth weaves a tale of a terribly dysfunctional family struggling with social issues in the Deep South where tolerance of these issues is limited. It is the story of a boy raised by a father who is suppressing his homosexuality , and a mother who is an alcoholic and promiscuous as a result of a loveless marriage. It is a somewhat irreverent, tongue-in-cheek, account of the stereotypes within these characterizations,and how they can become the fatal flaws that lead to the demise of the mother as well as the family unit.
Comments:
Enjoyed reading your story, the setting and phrasing you used, especially the exclamations by the reverend. It was thought provoking and had a lot going on. Liked the quirkiness of the characters and description in the beginning of Charles Sr. Please reference comments in the text.
Would like to know more about when (era, year, time) the story took place. Why did Charles Sr. need to keep his homosexuality”hushed” and was Charles Jr. of an age where he could understand the concept of homosexuality? Sometimes got a little lost as to which “Charles” was being referenced. Maybe just add the Jr. or Sr. to clear that up.
Overall, an enjoyable read.
Thanks,
Claudia Blaize
Carr's Review of Kathleen's story 9/22
To: Kathleen
From: Carr
Re: “Self Portrait”
Kathleen,
There are a number of things working here in your story of a young painter and his journey to find his place in the world, “Self Portrait.” For one thing, the story has a definite sense of movement. Brian starts the story not having finished anything. At the end, he has finished this important (to him) piece. Good. You’ve also got some details here that show you have imagined his life to a certain degree. My favorite is the description of one of his paintings: “half a man walking half a dog through three quarters of a city.” That’s good.
All right. So here are some things to think about for revision. First, the main piece that is missing right now, I think is the answer to the question, “What does Brian want?” In getting there, I think it will be important to reveal Brian’s artistic background and direction. Is he self taught? What kind of work does he do? What are his goals for his art? What does he think about his art? What does it mean to him, how does it make him who he is?
Second, I think you would do well to have Brian interact with people more. When he is talking to his boss, a side of him emerges that we hadn’t seen before – a humorous streak. I’d like to get to know him better, and a good way to do that might be to have him deal with people.
OK. So think about those couple of things and I think you will be on your way to really discovering who this character is and why he is important to you. Good luck and see me with questions.
From: Carr
Re: “Self Portrait”
Kathleen,
There are a number of things working here in your story of a young painter and his journey to find his place in the world, “Self Portrait.” For one thing, the story has a definite sense of movement. Brian starts the story not having finished anything. At the end, he has finished this important (to him) piece. Good. You’ve also got some details here that show you have imagined his life to a certain degree. My favorite is the description of one of his paintings: “half a man walking half a dog through three quarters of a city.” That’s good.
All right. So here are some things to think about for revision. First, the main piece that is missing right now, I think is the answer to the question, “What does Brian want?” In getting there, I think it will be important to reveal Brian’s artistic background and direction. Is he self taught? What kind of work does he do? What are his goals for his art? What does he think about his art? What does it mean to him, how does it make him who he is?
Second, I think you would do well to have Brian interact with people more. When he is talking to his boss, a side of him emerges that we hadn’t seen before – a humorous streak. I’d like to get to know him better, and a good way to do that might be to have him deal with people.
OK. So think about those couple of things and I think you will be on your way to really discovering who this character is and why he is important to you. Good luck and see me with questions.
Carr's Review of Seth's story 9/15
To: Seth
From: Carr
Re: “Southern Upbringing: A Minor Tragedy”
Seth,
I suppose what you’ve got here could be called a parody of a southern story: you’ve got some quirky characters with quirky habits, a setting in the Deep South, and a death in the family to spark a realization. Those are good starting points, for sure.
All right. So think about a few things for revision. First, I think you would do well here to decide what it is you want to say with this story. It looks like a parody, but exactly what you are parodying is unclear. What is it about the Southern tale that you want to poke fun at? Try to decide that, and then you can really home in on those details that would send up one of those types of stories.
Second, I think you need to figure out what you want to say about Charles, Jr. He looks like the central character in many respects, and yet this version of the story doesn’t seem to be about him. He serves mainly as a way to talk about his family. So what makes him somebody we should want to read about?
Finally, take a look at the details here. Writing parody requires walking a fine line. On one hand, you have to go over the top with the details. On the other, you can’t go too far or the joke collapses. For example, Charles, Sr’s shrubbery is funny. But the idea that he was somehow the source of a stereotype about gay men and Cher is too much – it doesn’t have any basis in the facts of the story and indicates to the reader that you are trying too hard to be funny. The key to good parody is to not seem like you are trying to be funny at all.
OK. Keep going with this. It’s hard to be funny, but well worth it if you can pull it off. Let me know if you have questions.
From: Carr
Re: “Southern Upbringing: A Minor Tragedy”
Seth,
I suppose what you’ve got here could be called a parody of a southern story: you’ve got some quirky characters with quirky habits, a setting in the Deep South, and a death in the family to spark a realization. Those are good starting points, for sure.
All right. So think about a few things for revision. First, I think you would do well here to decide what it is you want to say with this story. It looks like a parody, but exactly what you are parodying is unclear. What is it about the Southern tale that you want to poke fun at? Try to decide that, and then you can really home in on those details that would send up one of those types of stories.
Second, I think you need to figure out what you want to say about Charles, Jr. He looks like the central character in many respects, and yet this version of the story doesn’t seem to be about him. He serves mainly as a way to talk about his family. So what makes him somebody we should want to read about?
Finally, take a look at the details here. Writing parody requires walking a fine line. On one hand, you have to go over the top with the details. On the other, you can’t go too far or the joke collapses. For example, Charles, Sr’s shrubbery is funny. But the idea that he was somehow the source of a stereotype about gay men and Cher is too much – it doesn’t have any basis in the facts of the story and indicates to the reader that you are trying too hard to be funny. The key to good parody is to not seem like you are trying to be funny at all.
OK. Keep going with this. It’s hard to be funny, but well worth it if you can pull it off. Let me know if you have questions.
Carr's Review of Adam's story 9/22
To: Adam Kite
From: Carr
Re: “Photogratastrophe”
Adam,
Your story, “Photogratastrophe”, reminds me of a kind of Christmas tale. It is sentimental, and the tone you take with the narrator of the second part is appropriate. He treats us as insiders, as people who will understand and enjoy this light fare. That can work. And the anecdote here is sweet, very much holiday fare.
OK. That said, there are some things to work on. First, I think you would do well to more firmly establish a main character here. You’ve got the narrator, sure, but we don’t know anything about him. He serves only to explain what people look like and how tall they are. We don’t know anything about what he wants – or what the family wants. Why does everyone like to cut up so much? Is it a reaction against something? What does the narrator want? Why does he give the grandmother the photo? What is his motivation and how is this the culmination of his efforts?
Second, in terms of style, the story right now is dragging in parts because you tend to spend too much time explaining things. So try to spend more time showing. What that means is that you need t get the story going and sprinkle in the details along the way. So instead of describing each cousin as if they were waiting for a police lineup, let them interact with the narrator or do things that draws attention to them. Then pause in those places to fill us in. Does that make sense?
All right. Finally, you have an issue with the comma splice. This is a form of the run-on sentence, and you should familiarize yourself with it and start to read your work out loud before you submit it. That might help.
Good luck with this one. Let me know if you have questions.
From: Carr
Re: “Photogratastrophe”
Adam,
Your story, “Photogratastrophe”, reminds me of a kind of Christmas tale. It is sentimental, and the tone you take with the narrator of the second part is appropriate. He treats us as insiders, as people who will understand and enjoy this light fare. That can work. And the anecdote here is sweet, very much holiday fare.
OK. That said, there are some things to work on. First, I think you would do well to more firmly establish a main character here. You’ve got the narrator, sure, but we don’t know anything about him. He serves only to explain what people look like and how tall they are. We don’t know anything about what he wants – or what the family wants. Why does everyone like to cut up so much? Is it a reaction against something? What does the narrator want? Why does he give the grandmother the photo? What is his motivation and how is this the culmination of his efforts?
Second, in terms of style, the story right now is dragging in parts because you tend to spend too much time explaining things. So try to spend more time showing. What that means is that you need t get the story going and sprinkle in the details along the way. So instead of describing each cousin as if they were waiting for a police lineup, let them interact with the narrator or do things that draws attention to them. Then pause in those places to fill us in. Does that make sense?
All right. Finally, you have an issue with the comma splice. This is a form of the run-on sentence, and you should familiarize yourself with it and start to read your work out loud before you submit it. That might help.
Good luck with this one. Let me know if you have questions.
Carr's Review of Becca's Poems 9/22
To: Becca
From: Carr
Re: “Reflections” and “Revolutions”
Becca,
On first read, your two poems “Reflections” and “Revolutions” seem not to go together. “Reflections” is a straight up nature poem, musing on the light dancing on the water at sunset. “Revolutions” is a city poem, all sense of the natural world is lost – even the stars have been swallowed up by the sky (a very good line). However, I think both poems connect, both thematically and visually. The dominant image in both poems for me is the dancing light. In “Reflections” is obvious, but in “Revolutions” it is there in the neon lights and the swirling door. I like that. I also think that you are addressing similar themes in the two poems – the impermanence of beauty being one. I like that, too.
OK. So I have a couple of things to think about. First, I think one issue in both poems is the lack of context for the imagery. The dancing colors on the water in “Reflections” are abstract things until the introduction of the sun. I think that’s too long. I’d suggest setting us in a scene before you start describing the colors. Look at the poetry of Mary Oliver for examples of that.
I have a similar issue with “Revolutions” – but not exactly the same. In that poem I think the opening is too general and even dreamlike. Running in a city through a crowd? Sounds more like a movie to me than something that actually happens. When you get to the part about the revolving door, however, I am intrigued. I think it would be very cool to write a poem about walking through and/or around a revolving door. You could describe all sorts of things that you see and how the perspective changes. The possibilities for metaphor are large. So think about that.
Finally, I think you would do well in both poems – and probably you poetry in general – to let your lines lengthen a little. You like to use one or two words in a lot of lines, and I don’t think it’s serving your purpose more than it is hindering it. So work on that.
All right. You’ve got a lot of good material to work with. Good luck and see me with questions.
From: Carr
Re: “Reflections” and “Revolutions”
Becca,
On first read, your two poems “Reflections” and “Revolutions” seem not to go together. “Reflections” is a straight up nature poem, musing on the light dancing on the water at sunset. “Revolutions” is a city poem, all sense of the natural world is lost – even the stars have been swallowed up by the sky (a very good line). However, I think both poems connect, both thematically and visually. The dominant image in both poems for me is the dancing light. In “Reflections” is obvious, but in “Revolutions” it is there in the neon lights and the swirling door. I like that. I also think that you are addressing similar themes in the two poems – the impermanence of beauty being one. I like that, too.
OK. So I have a couple of things to think about. First, I think one issue in both poems is the lack of context for the imagery. The dancing colors on the water in “Reflections” are abstract things until the introduction of the sun. I think that’s too long. I’d suggest setting us in a scene before you start describing the colors. Look at the poetry of Mary Oliver for examples of that.
I have a similar issue with “Revolutions” – but not exactly the same. In that poem I think the opening is too general and even dreamlike. Running in a city through a crowd? Sounds more like a movie to me than something that actually happens. When you get to the part about the revolving door, however, I am intrigued. I think it would be very cool to write a poem about walking through and/or around a revolving door. You could describe all sorts of things that you see and how the perspective changes. The possibilities for metaphor are large. So think about that.
Finally, I think you would do well in both poems – and probably you poetry in general – to let your lines lengthen a little. You like to use one or two words in a lot of lines, and I don’t think it’s serving your purpose more than it is hindering it. So work on that.
All right. You’ve got a lot of good material to work with. Good luck and see me with questions.
Carr's Review of Scott's story 9/15
To: Scott
From: Carr
Re: “The Misfits”
Scott,
You’ve got a story here of the petty criminals Cooper and Ziggy as they steal some money from one of their friend’s brothers. Along the way, you try to give us a glimpse of both the two thugs and the two younger boys that they rob. You use a lot of dialogue in an attempt to give us a feel for the characters, which is good. You also set the scene in the park, perhaps your best scene.
OK. So there are some things to think about in revision. First, I think you would do well to think about the character you are most interested in. Right now the story doesn’t focus on anyone in particular, with the effect that we don’t really know any of them. Who are you most interested in here? And why are you telling the story of this night? Is this the first time Cooper and Ziggy have mugged someone? If so, why did they do it on this night? Short stories generally look at events that are out of the ordinary in the life of the main character, and I think you would do well to follow that pattern.
In addition, there are some specific style issues to think about. First, I think you should look at the language you use to describe the ‘misfits.’ In the first two paragraphs you use judgmental language like shady and hooligans to describe these guys. Why? Using that kind of language is going to prejudice your reader. Instead you might try showing us the characters. They don’t have to be good boys, but you should let us make the call on what kind of people they are. You might also want to look at the dialogue. There are some spots where the words you use don’t seem appropriate for the kids here (irked, turd, coy come to mind).
All right. Good luck with this. It might be a fun story if you gives us some characters and ramp up the action a bit. Let me know if you have questions.
From: Carr
Re: “The Misfits”
Scott,
You’ve got a story here of the petty criminals Cooper and Ziggy as they steal some money from one of their friend’s brothers. Along the way, you try to give us a glimpse of both the two thugs and the two younger boys that they rob. You use a lot of dialogue in an attempt to give us a feel for the characters, which is good. You also set the scene in the park, perhaps your best scene.
OK. So there are some things to think about in revision. First, I think you would do well to think about the character you are most interested in. Right now the story doesn’t focus on anyone in particular, with the effect that we don’t really know any of them. Who are you most interested in here? And why are you telling the story of this night? Is this the first time Cooper and Ziggy have mugged someone? If so, why did they do it on this night? Short stories generally look at events that are out of the ordinary in the life of the main character, and I think you would do well to follow that pattern.
In addition, there are some specific style issues to think about. First, I think you should look at the language you use to describe the ‘misfits.’ In the first two paragraphs you use judgmental language like shady and hooligans to describe these guys. Why? Using that kind of language is going to prejudice your reader. Instead you might try showing us the characters. They don’t have to be good boys, but you should let us make the call on what kind of people they are. You might also want to look at the dialogue. There are some spots where the words you use don’t seem appropriate for the kids here (irked, turd, coy come to mind).
All right. Good luck with this. It might be a fun story if you gives us some characters and ramp up the action a bit. Let me know if you have questions.
Carr's Review of Valerie's story 9/15
To: Valerie
From: Carr
Re: “The Blame Game”
Valerie,
In the “Blame Game” (I’m assuming that’s the title), you’ve got a murder story with a little twist at the end. On the day the story starts Alice Manning learns that her sister and brother in law have been murdered, apparently by one of her nieces. She deals with the other niece, Sonya, but in the end the reader learns that Sonya is the real killer. All right. That can work. And some of the scenes here are tight. The two working best now are the one at the beginning when Alice turns off the TV, and the one where Alice cries on the couch. In those scenes we are really with lice as she deals with this tragedy. We feel her emotions. That’s good.
OK. The story is told from Alice’s point of view, so we can assume that she is the main character. However, my question is, how does Alice change or learn or grow from this experience? If she doesn’t, then what is the story about? Is it simply about the trick?
But if it is really about Alice, then I think you need to look at who Alice is and what she wants. Then try to discover how this day puts an extra challenge into her goals. We need to know Alice better as a person and not just a vehicle for moving the plot.
In addition, there are some mechanical issues that need to be addressed. The first is maintaining a consistent POV throughout the story. You are in Alice’s POV for most of the story, but there are two lapses: one where we get into the sheriff’s head, and one where we enter Sonya’s head. That doesn’t work. Keep it all in Alice’s head. In addition, learn how to format dialogue. Each new speaker gets her own paragraph, and dialogue is set apart with commas. Like this
“Come over here,” Alice said to Sonya. She leaned against the door frame for a second, seeing the Sonya she knew from ten years ago, when the girls were just…
“Hey Aunt Alice,” Sonya said. “I’m hungry now.”
OK. So keep working on this one. It has some potential if you can develop the main character. See me with questions.
From: Carr
Re: “The Blame Game”
Valerie,
In the “Blame Game” (I’m assuming that’s the title), you’ve got a murder story with a little twist at the end. On the day the story starts Alice Manning learns that her sister and brother in law have been murdered, apparently by one of her nieces. She deals with the other niece, Sonya, but in the end the reader learns that Sonya is the real killer. All right. That can work. And some of the scenes here are tight. The two working best now are the one at the beginning when Alice turns off the TV, and the one where Alice cries on the couch. In those scenes we are really with lice as she deals with this tragedy. We feel her emotions. That’s good.
OK. The story is told from Alice’s point of view, so we can assume that she is the main character. However, my question is, how does Alice change or learn or grow from this experience? If she doesn’t, then what is the story about? Is it simply about the trick?
But if it is really about Alice, then I think you need to look at who Alice is and what she wants. Then try to discover how this day puts an extra challenge into her goals. We need to know Alice better as a person and not just a vehicle for moving the plot.
In addition, there are some mechanical issues that need to be addressed. The first is maintaining a consistent POV throughout the story. You are in Alice’s POV for most of the story, but there are two lapses: one where we get into the sheriff’s head, and one where we enter Sonya’s head. That doesn’t work. Keep it all in Alice’s head. In addition, learn how to format dialogue. Each new speaker gets her own paragraph, and dialogue is set apart with commas. Like this
“Come over here,” Alice said to Sonya. She leaned against the door frame for a second, seeing the Sonya she knew from ten years ago, when the girls were just…
“Hey Aunt Alice,” Sonya said. “I’m hungry now.”
OK. So keep working on this one. It has some potential if you can develop the main character. See me with questions.
Carr's Review of Takira's Poems 9/15
To: Takira
From: Carr
Re: “My Serenity” and “”Bleeding Heart”
Takira,
Your two poems here, “My Serenity” and “”Bleeding Heart,” are an interesting mix. The first is clearly a love poem, while the second is a straight up political poem, a call to action as it were. Good.
OK. “My Serenity” is what I would call an unrequited love poem. The object of the author’s desire is a person who doesn’t share the same feelings. This can be a powerful state, and you allude to that power by choosing words like “addicted” and “rehab.” That’s good. I’d like to see you use that metaphor (or another one like it) throughout the poem – to extend the metaphor. Perhaps you could show how one person becomes addicted to the other, by describing the process that has taken place. Along the way try to use some real details and examples. That might work well. Show the addiction in all its craziness. That might be a nice juxtaposition to the title.
The other poem, “Bleeding Heart,” plays on the idea of the bleeding heart liberal, but in this case the liberal seems a little angry, too. That’s good. The emotion runs hot here, and it really comes out in lines like, “Who has to be walked over because she is told she will never have what it takes.” Good. Here, though, I’d like to see a little more specificity in the conditions you are deploring. To see examples of this, read or listen to Gil Scott Heron. He is the master of using poetry to call attention to injustice.
All right. Good luck with these. Let me know if you have questions.
From: Carr
Re: “My Serenity” and “”Bleeding Heart”
Takira,
Your two poems here, “My Serenity” and “”Bleeding Heart,” are an interesting mix. The first is clearly a love poem, while the second is a straight up political poem, a call to action as it were. Good.
OK. “My Serenity” is what I would call an unrequited love poem. The object of the author’s desire is a person who doesn’t share the same feelings. This can be a powerful state, and you allude to that power by choosing words like “addicted” and “rehab.” That’s good. I’d like to see you use that metaphor (or another one like it) throughout the poem – to extend the metaphor. Perhaps you could show how one person becomes addicted to the other, by describing the process that has taken place. Along the way try to use some real details and examples. That might work well. Show the addiction in all its craziness. That might be a nice juxtaposition to the title.
The other poem, “Bleeding Heart,” plays on the idea of the bleeding heart liberal, but in this case the liberal seems a little angry, too. That’s good. The emotion runs hot here, and it really comes out in lines like, “Who has to be walked over because she is told she will never have what it takes.” Good. Here, though, I’d like to see a little more specificity in the conditions you are deploring. To see examples of this, read or listen to Gil Scott Heron. He is the master of using poetry to call attention to injustice.
All right. Good luck with these. Let me know if you have questions.
Wednesday, September 23, 2009
Valerie Kesslers Review of: Reflections and Revolutions
I really love the poem 'Reflections' it has strong, vibrant, imagry and a sense of peace and beauty while potraying a sense of power and movement. Overall the poem is very well structured.
I personally, would only make a few small changes in wording (taking out 'and' from line three, stanza two and removing 'it's' from line four, stanza two). However, I think that the last stanza could be expanded to include more imagry to fit the rest of the poem.
It may seem odd, but the flow of this poem makes me think of silk.
The poem 'Revolutions' has a lot of powerful imagry, it makes me feel trapped in a loud, noisy, confining city. The only thing that I might change about the poem was the wording of the last stanza. Is it differnt on purpose or not? If there is no reason for the wording to be different, it could be easily adjusted to fit the flow of the poem.
Example:
The stars
where have they gone?
The sky
ate them up
Even the moonlight
is fading now
I personally, would only make a few small changes in wording (taking out 'and' from line three, stanza two and removing 'it's' from line four, stanza two). However, I think that the last stanza could be expanded to include more imagry to fit the rest of the poem.
It may seem odd, but the flow of this poem makes me think of silk.
The poem 'Revolutions' has a lot of powerful imagry, it makes me feel trapped in a loud, noisy, confining city. The only thing that I might change about the poem was the wording of the last stanza. Is it differnt on purpose or not? If there is no reason for the wording to be different, it could be easily adjusted to fit the flow of the poem.
Example:
The stars
where have they gone?
The sky
ate them up
Even the moonlight
is fading now
The story of the churchies is about a group of girls who live in a small town and spend their days doing good in the community, participating in activities at church, schoool, work, and elsewhere. Eventually they get frustrated because they have not recieved any reward for their efforts, and they decide to rob the local bank and take money to start a new life in Costa Rica.
I think the story has an interesting premisis, seventeen years old who have worked to be 'good' all their lives deciding to commit a felony and rob a bank. The story does a good job of setting up the girls as a group and a unity, and they even keep their 'good girl' identity of 'The Churchies' while they are robbing the bank and fleeing the country.
One thing that bothers me about the story is the lack of characters. I don't know how many girls are in this group untill later in the story, and I don't have anything at all to set these girls as individuals. I think for this story to work it's important to give the girls a sense of some identity, even if the sense of group is stronger. I think some dialouge between the girls, perhaps while they are making their plans would give a good sense of how they think.I also can't imagine none of them being in distress on the plane ride, since thats probably when the reality of what they did would set it.
This story has a really good premise, and an interesting concept, but more character development is needed to really bring it to life.
I think the story has an interesting premisis, seventeen years old who have worked to be 'good' all their lives deciding to commit a felony and rob a bank. The story does a good job of setting up the girls as a group and a unity, and they even keep their 'good girl' identity of 'The Churchies' while they are robbing the bank and fleeing the country.
One thing that bothers me about the story is the lack of characters. I don't know how many girls are in this group untill later in the story, and I don't have anything at all to set these girls as individuals. I think for this story to work it's important to give the girls a sense of some identity, even if the sense of group is stronger. I think some dialouge between the girls, perhaps while they are making their plans would give a good sense of how they think.I also can't imagine none of them being in distress on the plane ride, since thats probably when the reality of what they did would set it.
This story has a really good premise, and an interesting concept, but more character development is needed to really bring it to life.
Valerie Kesslers Review for: Photogratasophe
Photogratasophe is the story of a family of thirteen, who goes to get a family portrait of the 'kids' to make a cloth/blanket portrait to give as a gift to the grandmother for Christmas. The 'kids', varying in ages from toddler to early tweenties, cause a ruckus disrupting the photo and annoying their other family members but resulting in a memorable 'true' picture for grandmom.
What I like about the story is the antics between the cousins. They really show a connection between them as a group.I think that dialouge could be used to strengthen the story as a whole. Perhaps while they are waiting for the photographer, or during the goofing around with the picture. I also would like to know a little more about the narrator. I enjoyed listening to his discriptions of his family members and their actions, I really got a laugh out of those, however, the only thing that I definatively know about the narrator is his height and that they have a sister.
Overall I think there is a lot of good stuff in this story, but it could really use a lot of dialouge to give it more depth.
What I like about the story is the antics between the cousins. They really show a connection between them as a group.I think that dialouge could be used to strengthen the story as a whole. Perhaps while they are waiting for the photographer, or during the goofing around with the picture. I also would like to know a little more about the narrator. I enjoyed listening to his discriptions of his family members and their actions, I really got a laugh out of those, however, the only thing that I definatively know about the narrator is his height and that they have a sister.
Overall I think there is a lot of good stuff in this story, but it could really use a lot of dialouge to give it more depth.
Valerie Kesslers Review of: Self Portrait
Self Portrait is a story about Brian Duncan computer technitician/artist living in a city apartment who seems to have a gloomy outlook on life and finds himself unable to finish a painting, untill he finds inspiration after loosing his job.
One thing that I really enjoyed about this story is the 'artist' dialouge. I thought that 'only an artist' would say things like 'Burnt Umber', most people would have used a phrase like 'an ugly shade of brown'. Brian also muses about how he cant afford 'real art', implying he doesn't think of his art as real art. In my experiences, I've found a lot of artist have a negative view on their art (either as a means of self-pity. low self-esteme, or in order to push themselves into doing better). I would like to see a little more of this throughout the story, perhaps in the description of the tree (he really likes it, get artistic on the description) or when he is gathering supplies for his materpiece (give me names of brushes he pulls out, I get a list of colors). Even in small places like the bit about the sofa (it could be a drab charcoal, not just black).
Overall I found the story to be rather entertaining, and there is a lot of good solid wording throughout. I think with a little more elaboration, and character interaction could make this a really solid piece.
One thing that I really enjoyed about this story is the 'artist' dialouge. I thought that 'only an artist' would say things like 'Burnt Umber', most people would have used a phrase like 'an ugly shade of brown'. Brian also muses about how he cant afford 'real art', implying he doesn't think of his art as real art. In my experiences, I've found a lot of artist have a negative view on their art (either as a means of self-pity. low self-esteme, or in order to push themselves into doing better). I would like to see a little more of this throughout the story, perhaps in the description of the tree (he really likes it, get artistic on the description) or when he is gathering supplies for his materpiece (give me names of brushes he pulls out, I get a list of colors). Even in small places like the bit about the sofa (it could be a drab charcoal, not just black).
Overall I found the story to be rather entertaining, and there is a lot of good solid wording throughout. I think with a little more elaboration, and character interaction could make this a really solid piece.
Valerie Kesslers Review of: Bleeding Heart and My Serenity
What I like about Bleeding heart is the fact that most of the things in the poem seem universal but they reach out and make it seem like the poem is about people right next door. I can see people from different places identifying with many of them. I really identified with the last two lines in the first stanza, since they make me think of someone very dear to me. I also like the fact that the last line of each stanza really tie together each section, and the final stanza brings the piece together as whole. The only thing I think that could be improved was the fifth line the third stanza, talking about coming out of the hood and the seventh line of the fifth stanza those references BET. To me the rest of the poem has a very open feel, not referencing any specific group of people and giving a universal sympathy, but those two lines seem to point to more specific groups of people, and interrupt the flow. (Instead of the hood, maybe something like ‘out of poverty’ and instead of BET, maybe reference celebrities or the media in general).
I found ‘My Serenity’ very interesting. I love the use of strong ‘other worldly’ imagery that starts in line fifteen with the mention of God. The poem has a fantastic flow and seems to naturally evolve to that elevated state with continuous references of things such as ‘heaven’ ‘flight’, and ‘halo’. I found the literary comparison in the beginning amusing (talking about similes, periods, and semi colons), but I think that they should be continued throughout the poem or eliminated. Perhaps replacing them with more earthly comparisons to enforce the flow of the poem may give the beginning (the first 10-15 lines) a more solid connection to the rest of the poem.
Valerie Kesslers Review of: The Misfits
The Misfits is about a group of troubled youth who seem to be going from one misdemeanor activity to another, some more enthusiastically then others.
One thing that really caught my eye was the first line, describing the light filtering through ‘reminiscent of prison bars’. It really ties into the ending line as the boys throw not just rocks but ‘their lives on petty crime’. It really shows the somber future that these kids have if they continue this behavior. I also like how the story emphasizes the fact that these boys are still kids. Referencing going to their ‘first boy and girl party’ makes me think that they are in early adolescence. I like how the story continue reinforces their youth with things like Randolph’s ‘size eight tracks’ and Ziggy’s excitement over the ‘holographic super Mario wallet’. Even the way the boys speak shows that they are young, and immature. The excessive foul language, the continuous bickering, and the way they talk about Mr. Yuckers Great Dane being ‘disgusting’ keep reinforcing the fact that they are young.
I don’t think that the words ‘figuratively and literally’ are really needed in the last sentence; the comparisons made are very strong and stand on their own. Overall I think this is a good slice into a young, troubled society.
*After discussion in class, I relized that I was confused about the age of the kids because I was confused about the focus on the two different groups of children. The focus of the story should stick to one group(the older group of kids), and use dialouge and interaction with the second group(the younger group)*
Valerie Kesslers Review of: Southern Uprringing
Southern Upbringing is the story of Charles Bellvie Jr. who grows up on an old southern plantation with his secret homosexual father and his alcoholic mother. Charles lives in a family built on inherited wealth, and that’s apparent in his upbringing. Unfortunately, after Charles leaves home for school, his mother suffers a premature death and he journeys back home for her funeral.
I love the way Charles is described in the first sentence; it really sets the mood for the story, and is further reinforced by the rest of the paragraph. I like the way something so non elegant (dog poop) is made as refined as possible (hound/canine excrement). The scene where Charles’s playing with the toys really helps to nail Charles upbringing, both southern and wealthy.
The scene where Charles’ mother dies, really brings together her character, it brings her into a light other then just a ‘promiscuous alcoholic’ and made me realize that she probably acted that way out of feeling unloved.
The only things I think that really needed to improve was the transition between when we learn about Charles taking up smoking and when he leaves. It seems very abrupt. I also think that since the use of smell was used so much in the story, it could be added in a few more places to tie the whole thing together. For example, in the first paragraph describing the plantation, something using smell, perhaps even tobacco (the sweet smell of tobacco lingering in the warm southern air?) might strengthen the beginning even more.
Melda's Review of Katie Kluttz's story
I like that your story is very simple, and you describe "The Churchies" very well. Also the conflict of the story is clear when you state, "The feeling that they never really receive anything for their work they do for the community. That they weren't going to be able to go to their school of choice because of money…..no way to get what they wanted." On the other hand, you do not state whether or not the girls will attend the school of choice. You state that they run away to paradise but what about college? Not all of the conflicts are resolved if they don’t end up going to college.
Melda's Review of “PHOTOGRATASTROPHE” by Adam Kite
I like how you realistically described the employees at the Photo-Shop. You stated that the girl at reception desk was dying of boredom and that the other girl, “practically [oozed] that sort of fake bubbly happiness that gets forced on most employee’s these days.” Also, I like the ending of the story as the grandmother was not mad at the “real” picture. She liked to see her grandchildren in real action behaving like themselves. However, I did not like that the main character did not grow at all. He remained mischievous as always.
Melda's Review of “SELF PORTRAIT” BY KATHLEEN DEADY
I like how Brian grew through your story. He was a lazy character who never completed anything successfully in his whole life, but at the end, he gets fired which teaches him a life lesson and gets him moving. For the first time he actually completes the tree painting. Also, I like how you literally compared the tree to Brian and left us off knowing that the character grew and he would do something good with his life. However, I feel as if you got so carried away with descriptions in the first page of your story that it got the reader confused. Try to focus only on describing crucial things.
Melda's Review of “REVOLUTIONS” BY BECCA
This poem is about a person who is lost in a big city and is not used to the urban vibe.
I like all the descriptions of the city life. For example, you state, “cars whirling by skyscrapers…[and]….flashing neon lights.” Also, I like the last stanza because it illustrates that the city is filled with smog and the stars are not visible. You described this very sarcastically through saying, “the sky ate [the stars] up.” You could improve your poem by braking the middle stanza into 2 stanzas and describing the dangerous city even more.
I like all the descriptions of the city life. For example, you state, “cars whirling by skyscrapers…[and]….flashing neon lights.” Also, I like the last stanza because it illustrates that the city is filled with smog and the stars are not visible. You described this very sarcastically through saying, “the sky ate [the stars] up.” You could improve your poem by braking the middle stanza into 2 stanzas and describing the dangerous city even more.
Melda's Review of “REFLECTIONS” BY BECCA
This poem is about colors that reflect during night-time in a pool of water.
I like that you use certain scenes to describe a situation rather than blatantly coming out with it. For example, you say, “On a liquid stage,” to illustrate that the colors are dancing in a body of water. Also, I like how you described the sun-setting by stating, “And as she sinks into her bed wrapping herself in a pale pink blanket.” You give the sun a character and habits. On the other hand, you could have described these colors more vividly and gave them more life. You said that they were beautiful, however, describe this beauty.
I like that you use certain scenes to describe a situation rather than blatantly coming out with it. For example, you say, “On a liquid stage,” to illustrate that the colors are dancing in a body of water. Also, I like how you described the sun-setting by stating, “And as she sinks into her bed wrapping herself in a pale pink blanket.” You give the sun a character and habits. On the other hand, you could have described these colors more vividly and gave them more life. You said that they were beautiful, however, describe this beauty.
Tuesday, September 22, 2009
"Photogratastrophe" Review/Critique
Review
Adam tells the story, possibly true (?), of a big family and their spent time at a photography store. The story develops by way of mischievous actions brought on by some of the younger family members. In the end, the photographer took a suitable and decent picture of the family. The epilogue shows the grandmother of the family receiving the picture printed on a quilt.
Critique
This story is comedic yet at the same time delivers the feel of family ties. I enjoyed the opening of the still and boring storefront becoming confronted with a large family. The following paragraphs reveal the extensive family’s descriptions, which works well in imagining the family’s actions. There’s a nice sense of suspense as the adults of the family, begin to grow more irritated after each photo blooper. I also feel that the epilogue works great with the story, following up on picture day. The story is a work in progress, some parts, such as the description were a little over drawn. I couldn’t see too many other real dilemmas besides structural/ grammatical mistakes. One thing to keep in mind is the way the narrator converses with the audience or reader; sometimes it works well if done correctly. I’d keep this story first person."The Churchies" Review/Critique
Review
“The Churchies” is about a story of four well to do high school senior girls. They contribute heavily to their small town, where everyone knows everyone. The girls dream to go to college together and to live on the beaches of, Mexico, Florida, or Costa Rica. The disordering event is that they must steal the money to fund their college and beach living. The girls end up getting what they want via robbing a bank and flee to Costa Rica.
Critique
I enjoyed this story. The writer held my attention by setting up the figure of a “goody-two-shoe” pack of girls, who eventually rob a bank; the biggest twist of all. The writer also does a good job of providing a background for the girls and their lifestyle. As well as good character background, I feel the writer accomplishes in establishing the disordering event. With the D.E. in mind, I enjoyed reading how the girls become criminals as they steal from the town that they serve. Overall, “The Churchies” was a good read. However, if you (writer) plan to revise this piece, I’d like to see some more action during the bank scene; some of the scene doesn’t seem believable, i.e. the girls having easy access to the bank’s keys and alarm codes. As the reader I’d like to know if the girls’ crime ever caught up with them.
Response to Reflections and Revolutions by Becca
Reflections by Becca
I thought this poem was very good. I really like the descriptions you made in the verses and how you made the sun and the reflections out to be almost human-like. I liked the description—the sun wrapping herself in a pale pink blanket. I don’t know why some of your verses are one worded and some aren’t? It just confused me but you probably have a reason for doing so.
Revolutions by Becca
I think the way you wrote this poem that you helped the reader visualize the scene very well. I also like the comparison of skyscrapers to great monsters. I thought that was interesting. At the end of the poem, the last three verses confused me. I don’t see the connection between those last three lines and the rest of the poem.
I thought this poem was very good. I really like the descriptions you made in the verses and how you made the sun and the reflections out to be almost human-like. I liked the description—the sun wrapping herself in a pale pink blanket. I don’t know why some of your verses are one worded and some aren’t? It just confused me but you probably have a reason for doing so.
Revolutions by Becca
I think the way you wrote this poem that you helped the reader visualize the scene very well. I also like the comparison of skyscrapers to great monsters. I thought that was interesting. At the end of the poem, the last three verses confused me. I don’t see the connection between those last three lines and the rest of the poem.
Response to Self Portrait by Kathleen Deady
Self Portrait by Kathleen Deady
This story is about a man who really has no happiness in his life. He loses his job, never finishes a painting, and lives a lonely life. He watches the trees outside and realizes the similarities between himself and the pieces of nature and decides to paint himself as a tree in a self proclaimed “self portrait.”
I liked this story. I thought the comparison of Brian with the tree was really original, I never would have thought about that in a million years, and it worked. I really thought some of the dialogue and descriptions gave a reader a good sense of Brian’s life: the tv dinner reference and the part about him waking up to a phone call saying he had lost his job. The way he acts in that part I can just visualize in my mind and it’s very believable. I was confused when you talked about the dog chewing on the couch when “they” had just bought it. I don’t know who “they” is since the only person really mentioned in this story is Brian.
This story is about a man who really has no happiness in his life. He loses his job, never finishes a painting, and lives a lonely life. He watches the trees outside and realizes the similarities between himself and the pieces of nature and decides to paint himself as a tree in a self proclaimed “self portrait.”
I liked this story. I thought the comparison of Brian with the tree was really original, I never would have thought about that in a million years, and it worked. I really thought some of the dialogue and descriptions gave a reader a good sense of Brian’s life: the tv dinner reference and the part about him waking up to a phone call saying he had lost his job. The way he acts in that part I can just visualize in my mind and it’s very believable. I was confused when you talked about the dog chewing on the couch when “they” had just bought it. I don’t know who “they” is since the only person really mentioned in this story is Brian.
Response to Phototastrophe by Adam Kite
Photogratastrophe by Adam Kite
This story was about a family that goes to get a picture taken as a gift for their grandmother. The family is supposed to be posing as if they were perfect, just smiling like normal people would. But they are not perfect and the kids ruin numerous attempts to take a normal picture.
I could relate to this story since when Christmas card time comes around, there is usually one person not looking good in every picture. I thought in the beginning paragraph the sentence that said “The boredom hung like a thick haze throughout the entire store…” was a good description. You also gave good descriptions of the people mentioned in the story and I could get a good feel as to who you were talking about. But I also thought you got almost too detailed when you talked about all the pictures being taken and having the family looking at every one with the same glares being sent by the parents. Overall, I thought you did a good job!
This story was about a family that goes to get a picture taken as a gift for their grandmother. The family is supposed to be posing as if they were perfect, just smiling like normal people would. But they are not perfect and the kids ruin numerous attempts to take a normal picture.
I could relate to this story since when Christmas card time comes around, there is usually one person not looking good in every picture. I thought in the beginning paragraph the sentence that said “The boredom hung like a thick haze throughout the entire store…” was a good description. You also gave good descriptions of the people mentioned in the story and I could get a good feel as to who you were talking about. But I also thought you got almost too detailed when you talked about all the pictures being taken and having the family looking at every one with the same glares being sent by the parents. Overall, I thought you did a good job!
Response to The Churchies by Katie Kluttz
The Churchies by Katie Kluttz
This is a story about four girls who were pretty much the misfits of the small community, referred to as “ The Churchies.” They did pretty much everything correct and by the book and volunteered a lot of their time to the community. They thought they had done their share and plotted together to rob a bank in order to live out their long-lived dream of moving to Costa Rica.
I thought you gave a good description of the mannerisms of the girls in the churchies group, the activities they participate in, the clothes they wear, the way they are treated at school. You also gave a good sense of the small community they live in by saying that the girl worked in the bank, a dad cleaned the bank, the lady they helped owned the bank: everyone is connected and knows each other. I was interested in knowing more about how they committed the crime than how good of citizens they were and I thought the plot to rob the bank was sprung on the reader. But I liked the story it was an interesting twist!
This is a story about four girls who were pretty much the misfits of the small community, referred to as “ The Churchies.” They did pretty much everything correct and by the book and volunteered a lot of their time to the community. They thought they had done their share and plotted together to rob a bank in order to live out their long-lived dream of moving to Costa Rica.
I thought you gave a good description of the mannerisms of the girls in the churchies group, the activities they participate in, the clothes they wear, the way they are treated at school. You also gave a good sense of the small community they live in by saying that the girl worked in the bank, a dad cleaned the bank, the lady they helped owned the bank: everyone is connected and knows each other. I was interested in knowing more about how they committed the crime than how good of citizens they were and I thought the plot to rob the bank was sprung on the reader. But I liked the story it was an interesting twist!
Saturday, September 19, 2009
Response to Revolutions by Becca
I get a sense of urgency as I read this poem. The descriptive words you use, bring to mind standing in the middle of Times Square in NYC. I especially like the use of eating metaphors to make the reader feel small in such a big city. The short, one word lines work well to focus on all of the activity and how quickly things change. I like your style. Another nice poem.
Response to Reflections by Becca
You really capture the essence of a setting sun on the water with this poem. As I re-read the poem, I was able to picture myself sitting on the deck at Fager's Island in OC, watching the sun fade into the horizon, coloring the water as you describe. I like the description of these colors on the water as "water dancers". A beautiful poem.
critique of Photogatastrophe by Adam Kite
Brief Summary of Photogratastrophe: A Short Story by Adam Kite
Adam spins a tale of the chaos surrounding 13 family members having a family portrait taken in a shop in the mall. Several attempts were made to get the perfect picture of the family that would be transposed onto a quilt for the narrator’s grandmother only to be thwarted by wayward children. Finally the picture is taken. The narrator lets the reader know that he saved the silliest one on his USB, which he then gives to his grandmother for Christmas. She loves that one which is a truer representation of the grandkids.
Response:
The essence of trying to create the”perfect” family portrait is spot on. Anyone who has ever had this done knows how exasperating it can be and how long it takes to get the right one. I liked several similes and the Christmas setting at the end. The reader gets the sense that this is a close knit family who enjoy each other. I found myself getting frustrated with the narrator for messing up the shots.
Areas for revision:
There were so many family members, I got lost at times. Maybe focus in on a few of the main players in the story. Would like to read about the relationship of a few characters.
I wondered if this was a non-fiction accounting of an occurrence in your life.
Thanks for a fun story with a happy ending.
Claudia Blaize
Adam spins a tale of the chaos surrounding 13 family members having a family portrait taken in a shop in the mall. Several attempts were made to get the perfect picture of the family that would be transposed onto a quilt for the narrator’s grandmother only to be thwarted by wayward children. Finally the picture is taken. The narrator lets the reader know that he saved the silliest one on his USB, which he then gives to his grandmother for Christmas. She loves that one which is a truer representation of the grandkids.
Response:
The essence of trying to create the”perfect” family portrait is spot on. Anyone who has ever had this done knows how exasperating it can be and how long it takes to get the right one. I liked several similes and the Christmas setting at the end. The reader gets the sense that this is a close knit family who enjoy each other. I found myself getting frustrated with the narrator for messing up the shots.
Areas for revision:
There were so many family members, I got lost at times. Maybe focus in on a few of the main players in the story. Would like to read about the relationship of a few characters.
I wondered if this was a non-fiction accounting of an occurrence in your life.
Thanks for a fun story with a happy ending.
Claudia Blaize
critique of the churchies by Katie Klutz
Critique by Claudia Blaize
Brief Summary: The Churchies by Katie Klutz
Katie wrote a fun story about four, 17 y.o. “good girls” who were called “Churchies” due to the kind deeds they did for others. They came from decent hard-working families who lived in a small town in Jackson County. They had the same dream of going to expensive colleges and living in Costa Rica. The plot revolved around the girls feelings of not being compensated for their hard work, so they broke the trust of the townspeople and robbed the local bank in order to fulfill their dreams. Response:
The story moved along quickly and I liked the establishment of routines to form the girls’ characters. You tried to make them likeable thieves by having them give back some of the money to the church and their families. I liked the use of irony as the girls involved the church in their plot to rob the bank.
Areas for revision:
Would like to know the names of the girls, more character development.
Let the reader decide at the end if they were justified in what they did.
Use dialogue instead of narrative to move the plot along.
Brief Summary: The Churchies by Katie Klutz
Katie wrote a fun story about four, 17 y.o. “good girls” who were called “Churchies” due to the kind deeds they did for others. They came from decent hard-working families who lived in a small town in Jackson County. They had the same dream of going to expensive colleges and living in Costa Rica. The plot revolved around the girls feelings of not being compensated for their hard work, so they broke the trust of the townspeople and robbed the local bank in order to fulfill their dreams. Response:
The story moved along quickly and I liked the establishment of routines to form the girls’ characters. You tried to make them likeable thieves by having them give back some of the money to the church and their families. I liked the use of irony as the girls involved the church in their plot to rob the bank.
Areas for revision:
Would like to know the names of the girls, more character development.
Let the reader decide at the end if they were justified in what they did.
Use dialogue instead of narrative to move the plot along.
critique of Self Portrait by Kathleen Deady
Brief Summary of Story: Self Portrait by Kathleen Deady
Brian is a single man who works as a computer tech by day and is a lonely artist by night, living in a rundown apartment by himself. He gets fired from his tech job and determines he is a failure in life as he can’t even complete a painting. He finally is inspired to paint the tree outside his window which is a metaphor for his life. Brian is hopeful at the end that he will do something important with his life someday.
Response:
I enjoyed your description of Brian, his apartment and outlook on life. The reader feels his angst and loneliness at his lot in life. He seems pretty hopeless about his future. I liked the metaphor of the tree which made him feel hopeful that he would amount to something someday. Makes me want to know what will happen next. Will he become a great painter? Will he find companionship or stay a loner?
Areas for revision:
Would introduce the dog earlier in the story and have more about the significance of his relationship with his pet.
What might the young tree accomplish and how is the solitary tree different from Brian?
Nice story Kathleen, I enjoyed reading it.
Thanks-Claudia Blaize
Brian is a single man who works as a computer tech by day and is a lonely artist by night, living in a rundown apartment by himself. He gets fired from his tech job and determines he is a failure in life as he can’t even complete a painting. He finally is inspired to paint the tree outside his window which is a metaphor for his life. Brian is hopeful at the end that he will do something important with his life someday.
Response:
I enjoyed your description of Brian, his apartment and outlook on life. The reader feels his angst and loneliness at his lot in life. He seems pretty hopeless about his future. I liked the metaphor of the tree which made him feel hopeful that he would amount to something someday. Makes me want to know what will happen next. Will he become a great painter? Will he find companionship or stay a loner?
Areas for revision:
Would introduce the dog earlier in the story and have more about the significance of his relationship with his pet.
What might the young tree accomplish and how is the solitary tree different from Brian?
Nice story Kathleen, I enjoyed reading it.
Thanks-Claudia Blaize
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