? from Tara Hogue

When do we get our grades Carr?

BJ’s Response to Sean Brodie’s Story “Acute Leukemia Cancer.”

First in foremost I had to look it up to figure out exactly what acute leukemia cancer was. I had a hard time finding it. The closest medical diagnosis I found was acute Lymphocytic leukemia. So my first suggestion is if you are ever going to write about a specific disease make sure you put the entire medical name or a simple name like just cancer. People, especially those who have experience with this disease, will notice the difference. The story was about a little girl, Elizabeth, who was dying of cancer. I liked the idea of the battle between good and evil. Although, I was lost many times. I think the pace was just too quick in this story. One second we are in the hospital room, and in the next paragraph we are in heaven. I just wished you had focused on one idea for a little bit longer. But it was a good story I think. I liked the idea. And the granddaughter of Queen Elizabeth was great too.  

BJ’s Response to Bill’s poems “Faith” and “Once in a While”

William has an excellent written voice. His poems are easily identifiable as his own. I like that. Faith was a poem about his youth in church and not buying into the beliefs. I officially loved this poem more and more every time I read it. My favorite would be “Truth was locked in the cellar, But it slid me notes under the door.”  That line was great. I thought the whole flow of the poem was rhythmic.  Although I would have liked punctuation throughout the poem so I knew when lines started and ended. It would have been easier to read. And I honestly even tried to look it up, but I do not get what malus is? Lost! But anyhow, great read. On to the next one, “Once in a While” was about love I think, and a lover’s hold over the author, until the lover let’s go. But the lover stays on the authors mind. I like the whole idea because I have been there. I like that this idea has been constructed and placed into words, by a man who says he has never been in love Mr. Bill! My favorite line would be “And you keep spinning it around, every once and a while.” Again I would have liked some punctuation just so I knew where a thought started and ended. Because over all it felt like a dream that just flowed into itself, which now that I think about I kind of liked that. I kind of liked that I didn’t know where to start and stop…I felt like I wanted more.  Thanks Bill, your voice woos me!

Sabrina's Response to "Faith"

I really like this poem and I think I know exactly what the author is saying. My favorite line of the poem is the opening line: "The most vacant faces fill stained glass rooms," because I immediately envisioned a church and with people with straight, expressionless faces. "My mind was fixed when I was young" suggests that he was almost brainwashed as a child to believe in what he was told to believe.
"I went to these faithless places, I believed in the son" suggests that he at one point believed in what he was told to believe, but I do not understand what "Truth was locked in the cellar But it slid me notes under the door It wouldn’t let you hide your sordid hearts" means. Is this a way of saying that the truth was found out through your own experience? Like the cellar door being a place that these "saved people" would forbid you to look?
I like the poem a lot - I completely relate.

Sabrina's Response to "Once in a While"

This poem sounds like it's about a relationship gone sour from his girlfriend cheating on him...maybe she cheated on him in his own bed: "Its funny how you turned my bed into the most uncomfortable place I’ve ever been."
I like the last stanza that says "Then you finally let go But now it’s my head Like it’s stuck in a tire And you keep spinning it around Every once in a while" because it is a good metaphor to explain your confusion and emotions.
I felt like it could have been longer. This author tends to write short, simple and to the point poems. I'd like to see something longer with more imagery. I think it would make it twice as good.

Sabrina's Response to Acute Leukemia Cancer

The story is about a little girl who is diagnosed with cancer and taken to Baltimore, MD to be treated by a specialist. While the girl is resting there is a fight between good (granmother) and evil (demonic entity). The girl dies but she is protected and saved by the spirit of her grandmother and she goes to Heaven with her grandmother.
I liked the idea for the story. The fight between good and evil is always a good story plot, because it can be done in so many ways. I liked "She puts on the Full Armor of God, the Breastplate of Righteousness, Belt of Truth, Shoes of Peace, Shield of Faith, Helmet of Salvation, and Sword of the Spirit" because it was good imagery.
This story was rushed. It could have been detailed more to get a better feeling for the story. I wanted to know a specific, epic example of how Dr. Brodie has saved lives before. I want to know not only how the parents feel about their daughter having a terminal illness but how does the girl feel about knowing she could die? What had she been through before coming to Baltimore?
The ending was one line, and I was hoping to see a vivid image of the daughter ascending to Heaven with her grandmother.

Tara's Response to Once In a While

The author has a very creative mind. What i get from this poem is that somehow his own bed got dirty, my guess is because his girlfriend cheated on him in it, or something terrible happened in it. In the end it says "That you finally let go." Which leads me to believe that it was indeed a relationship because according to the end its stuck in his head like he can't believe that it actually happened to him. "It clinched my muscles and left them cold." This is my favorite line and i think this is the poetic moment , but I think you need more detail because right after that you give your main idea away. I want to hear more about the hurt and pain you went through, poems usually come from the heart i know if it was actually something the poet went through he could say more.

Tara's response to Faith

I think this is a good poem, it doesn't really give me what Mr. Kizzier likes to call a poetic moment. I think the closest line to the moment was "Truth was locked in the cellar." I think in the beginning you are talking about being in a church, maybe when you were baptized because you say "My mind was fixed when i was young." This line is actually kind of confusing, are you saying that you were born in favor of the devil. I definately need to hear more to completely comprehend how this ends, im stuck between two different things; that truth was that you belonged in hell or you worshiped the devil or that you were talking about seeing other people worship the devil.

Tara's Response to Acute Leukemia Cancer

I don't think that the author put enough details of the main character and it makes it hard to pick out one. The little girl I thought moved to Maryland to be treated by a specialist. In the end she dies anyway. I like how the author uses a demon and an angel (her grandmother) fighting for her fate. What i don't understand is how the demon even came to arise because supoosedly you are only suppose to be possessed if you did something wrong in your life. I like how she ends up in heaven with her Grandmother, but it was kind of expected. There wasn't a lot of detail, I think you could of made the seen witht the grandmother and the demon more exciting. I think that it was meant for the little girl to be the main character of the story because she is the only one that changes in the end, so i would like to read more about her and her disease. It was interesting.

Sabrina's Response to ALL from 11/30

In Response to ‘Anytime is a Good Time”

“Anytime is a Good Time’ seems to be about a perspective of the world/society that the author observes. One line, “Now move your lips and stop your brain Once more with feeling, we’re all insane, there’s never been a better time” could mean that everyone needs to stop talking because it doesn’t matter what comes out. That’s what I got out of it. That we’re all just talking, talking, talking and doing, doing, doing, but what for? What’s the point of it all? I liked it. I related to it and a good poem does just that. I only wanted more elaboration after a few lines, like “We’re all foaming at the mouth for something real.” I wanted a line after that like an example or a metaphor that explained what “something real” is. Then I’d have more of an idea what the poem was getting at.

In Response to ‘Poetry Queen’

This is a love poem. The girl in the poem must be a writer, and he author of the poem longs for the girl to be writing her poems about him. He wants to comfort her in the same way she comforts him, even though she doesn’t realize it. But there are lines that suggest that they do have an intimate relationship: “Your skin feels so warm against mine” but then there are lines that suggest that there is no relationship at all: “So bat those pretty eyes and write your sonnet, tell me it’s about me.” I could be wrong. Sorry if I am. I like the line, “We’ll climb to the top of the world and we’ll live there together til we die,” because that is the typical feeling that a person in love longs for. It was appropriate. I also like “Our passions collide,” because it is a beautiful line.

In Response to “Eight by Eight”

This was a very interesting and very detailed story. It was so detailed, though, that I got a little confused what the idea of the story was. I could be completely wrong, but I think the story was about an FBI team that thought these coded postcards were a plan to attack the heart of the city, but it turned out it was really about a chess game.
I liked the idea for the story: that something big is being investigated and it turns out it’s about a silly chess game. That was a cool twist for the end. It wrapped the story up nicely. Because of that, I wouldn’t change the ending at all.
I was a bit confused in the beginning because there was so much detail and so many people being introduced in one small area of the story. Maybe you could take out some of the characters and write the story with only important characters so that not so many characters are needed to be explained. I understand, however, that all of the characters may be needed to explain the story, so it’s difficult to cut out some characters. There was just a lot going on and a lot of ground that had to be covered in order to tell the story and some of it could have been cut out to get the same story line across in a more clear way. I enjoyed the storyline and the ending. Great idea.

Carr's Review of Andrew's Poems

To: Andrew
From: Carr

Re: “Anytime Is a Good Time” and “Poetry Queen”

Andrew,

There are things working well here in both your poems, “Anytime Is a Good Time” and “Poetry Queen.” First, I like that you have tried to write outside of the mould in “Anytime.” It’s good to see something a little different. And these two poems are very different from each other in some respects. “Poetry” is a love poem, of course, while “Anytime” I would call a political poem.

OK. So there are a couple of things I think work very well in “Anytime.” First is the line, “We’re all foaming at the mouth for something real. That’s a good idea for a poem: we’re all going through a fake life, being used in some way by forces we can’t control – and maybe don’t want to control. So we need to wake up, and “walk off the edge of the earth.” That’s good.
So what to work on here? The first thing is I would advise you to be more specific. Give us some examples of the things we are saying, doing, etc, that make us blind. Listen to Gil Scott Heron’s poem/song, “The Revolution Will Not Be Televised” for an example of that. Being more specific will also help you avoid passages like the one starting “Well, we all joke…” and ending with “context is so boring anyway.” I have a vague sense of what you’re trying to say there, but it’s a very unclear passage. Work on saying what you mean directly.

All right. On to “Poetry Queen.” I really like the way this poem starts. The opening line is very evocative – maybe because it is specific and puts us in a scene. We’re in bed next to a lover. Good. Then you have “write me a poem about your mother.” That line is very nice, perhaps one of the best this semester. It has great rhythm and takes us into an unexpected, slightly quirky place. A great way to lead into a poem. From there, though, the poem loses a little steam for me. After the mother poem line, I wanted this to be a poem about the kinds of poems the Poetry Queen writes. I want to know what she would say that would turn you on, that would comfort you, that would make you feel alive. This poem has a lot of love in it – that kind of powerful love that makes you want to “just leave tonight.” That’s the kind of love to write about in a poem for sure. So try to tap into that more by taking us into the scene with you, by showing us the poetry and the Queen, both.

All right. Good luck with these, Andrew. They have much potential. See me with questions.
CK

Carr's Review of Jeffrey's Story

To: Jeffrey
From: Carr

Re: "Eight by Eight”

Jeffrey,

I think you’ve got some things working well here in your story of FBI incompetence. There is some snappy dialogue between Kellin and Wade, and also a bit of humor there as well. You definitely also give us some intrigue, and the tension to go along with it. This story builds to a definite climax, and we can sense that in the room with the agents. That’s good work.

OK. There are some things to work on. First, I think the story suffers from not having a central character. You begin with Zedd, who is an interesting character because right away you establish that he is different from the others. “He never trusted technology.” Instead he uses his own senses. That’s good. He’s a good person to have as a central character because he looks around and observes. After that, however, the story shifts mostly to Kellin, who is a less interesting character. He’s a stubborn jerk – something to think about as you make us spend so much time with him. So try to work on making this a story about someone rather than about the situation.
The problem with having a plot-driven story is that it makes your job as a writer a lot harder. Focusing on the plot so much can lead to overcomplication – which leads to holes in the story that can’t be filled. For instance, in your story you’ve got these gangs “taking over the city.” What does that mean? And how could the FBI possibly think that someone playing chess through the mail would be controlling the gangs? We don’t know because the details aren’t here. But again, my suggestion is not to go back and figure out how to make that work. My suggestion is to go back and find out what happens to Zedd on this day. How does he change? How does something he has always believed turn out to be untrue? That’s called irony.

OK. There’s one mechanical issue I’ll address here. You like to use the word “inform” in your speaker tags. That might work on occasion, but right now you’re using it incorrectly. To inform is not a transitive verb, like talk, walk, or say. Those verbs can stand alone with no object. For example, if you asked somebody how they got in to the room, they could say, “I walked.” If you asked somebody what they did ata meeting, they could say, “I talked.” But if you asked somebody what they did and they said, “I informed,” you would think that was weird. To inform is an intransitive verb and requires an object. You need to say, “He informed the other members of the group,” or “He informed them that he was leaving.” See what I mean? So just stick to “said” for most of your tags. I think you’ll find it suffices.

OK. Good luck with this, Jeffrey. You know how to create tension between characters. The key is to find the right ones to focus on. Good luck.
CK

Sean Brodie's Response to Andrew's Poems "Poetry Queen" and "Anytime is a Good Time"

Andrew's poem "Poetry Queen" is about the narrator expressing his love to a girl he is with, assuming it is his girlfriend. He is making the girl feel comfortable to be in his presence and describers her appearance. He loves her so much that his love for her can not be measured. They were meant for each other. It is as if he and the girl were having a very strong intimate moment and words are being expressed to her that are so deep and she is a very beautiful girl.

Andrew's poem "Anytime is a Good Time" is about the narrator being tired of society. That there needs to be something interesting. The people in society is killing themselves. Maybe he is looking for a change in the world. Something that is better than the way life is now.

There is nothing I would change in these poems. They were beautiful and I can understand what he is saying through these poems. I feel like I can see what he sees. I encourage you to keep writing more poems. Your style is very interesting. Good Job!

Tara's Response to Eight By Eight

I really liked this story, I think you give descriptive details about each character in the story, which makes each one of the FBI agents unique, and gives it some humor. I think that the conversations used in the story sounded very real between the agents. I think that it is clever how through out the story, the two people that they were spying on in the coffee shop weren't apart of gangs at all and in the end they were just playing a game of chess.

Jim's 'response to Jeffrey's "Eight by Eight"

Eight by eight is a story about a bunch of FBI agents who don’t seem to get along so well. Their leader is a bit of a narcissist, so they are having problems despite the efforts of the rest of the crew. Jeffrey did a good job of giving each one of them a unique personality. There’s a lot of good believable dialogue here. I liked the way he kept building the tension between Kellin and Wade, and how Wade ended up figuring it out. I liked the visuals he gave too.

Sean Brodie's Response to Jeffery's Story "Eight By Eight"

Jeffery's Story is about a FBI crew on a "Stake Out" to catch gangs, who are wanting to commit gang activity to control the city. The crew is describe with people with very special unique jobs. The story concludes with the FBI crew playing a psychological game with the criminals like a chess game and successfully capturing them.

I enjoyed the story and laugh at some of the dialouge. I loved how you described the characters and making Zedd this old fashion, highly-skilled, man and Kellin a young blonde man who relies only on technology. I like how you made the story like the A-Team and making the story a psychological chess game that ends with catching the criminals with a checkmate. Well done my friend.

Sean Brodie's Response to Sophie's Poems "Weirdo" and "Breaking Mirrors"

Sophie's poem "Weirdo" is about a girl, who had broken up with her boyfriend, and has a nervous breakdown and is angry. She is mentally ill and gets lock up into a mental asylum. She is describing how she feels being in a mental state and being in a mental institution.

Her other poem "Breaking Mirrors" is about a girl, who is angry and emotional, and she relieves her angry and stress by spinning around and breaking mirrors.

These two poems are very emotional, angry, and distress. The characters in these stories need help to relieve their current mental state. You can see the connection between the two poems by the narrator describing her emotions and feelings. Good job.

Carr's Review of Sophie's Poems

Sophie,
These two poems share a certain aesthetic, what might be called asylum angst. In both poems the poet or narrator is expressing a crazy quality, an insane tendency or instinct, and wants the world to recognize her sensitivity, her uniqueness. It works, at times really well. “Breaking mirrors” starts with a a compelling stanza: “There’s this room/ in the attic where I go/ to break mirrors.” Very nice. It’s unusual enough that the reader is drawn in. We ask, What does she mean, “to break mirrors”? What’s that all about? Similarly, in “Weirdo” you have some very vivid imagery about the poet’s heart: “I swallowed my heart again” and “we had been shoving our hearts so far upward/ through our throats/ onto the mattress.” These also have the power to draw us in, because you’ve taken some standard talk of hearts as the center of love and twisted it just a bit to make the heart now the literal organ. That’s good. And it works for “Weirdo” because that is essentially a love poem. “Breaking mirrors” might be called a self-reflection poem.
OK. So what kinds of things to think about for revision? In both poems I would suggest essentially the same thing. In both poems you have created these powerful, vivid images – breaking mirrors and the heart organ – and yet I don’t think you are willing to take them all the way or to bring them to the front where they belong. So I suggest that you keep going with those, show us more of what it means to break the mirrors, both physically and psychically (maybe the one mirrors the other, so we only need to see the physical). Play with the imagery that seems so inherent in the picture of a broken mirror, all the splits and fragmented lines. In “Weirdo” I think your heart image/metaphor is almost buried beneath some material that seems almost unrelated – the “Creep” allusions are sometimes well played (particularly the “what the hell am I doing here” stanza), but in the end I don’t think they are necessary or even relevant. This poem doesn’t really take off until “Where we had been shoving/ our hearts so far upward” on the second page. That’s where I sat up and started to pay real attention. Thus I think you would do well to think about what you really want to say in this poem and then focus on that. You might even consider starting with the line, “I swallowed my heart again.”
All right. Your poems contain a certain amount of power, Sophie. I think that’s one of your strengths as a writer. Now I’d like to see some of that power directed into sharply focused images so that they cut the reader the same way these emotions and experiences cut you. See me with questions.
Good luck.
CK

Carr's Review of Sabrina's Story

Sabrina,

There are some things working well here in your story of Scott, Dina, and Ethan at the festival. First of all, I think the scenario is a plausible one. Scott and Dina come up with a plan based on someone else’s story, and are frustrated that their experience doesn’t match their expectations. Ethan wants to be involved with his older brother, to be more adult, so he eagerly accepts the challenge of selling the shots. And I could easily see how people at the festival might be more inclined to buy jello shots from a kid. That all seemed very real to me.
I also think the writing here is clean and smooth for the most part. My favorite lines both contain dialogue: ‘“We need more ice before all of these melt and we can’t sell them,” Scott said, examining one in the sunlight.’ I like that because of the detail of action at the end of the tag. ‘“Scott,” Dina started, nervous for what was about to happen.’ Again, I like the info included at the end of the tag.

OK. My main concern here is about the story, and the question of what is the story. Does something happen here? Yes, Scott and Dina are kicked out of the festival. But what does it matter to them? I don’t know. I think you have the action here, but not the story. I don’t think your characters are developed enough, and I don’t think there is a clearly defined central character with a desire that leads to conflict. There doesn’t seem to be anything at stake here. So my suggestion would be to do a few things: first, decide which character you want to be the central one – either Scott, Dina, or Ethan. Second, start to flesh out the character, at least in your notes. What does he want? What does he do to get it? What are some of his life experiences and memories? What kind of person is he? The answers to these don’t have to appear in the story, but you should know them. Then take the character to the festival and let something happen. Maybe it’s the jello shot incident, but that seems like the minor thing in the background. It seems to me that the real conflict lies somewhere else. Maybe getting kicked out for selling the shots is the thing that saves Scott or Dina from something really bad. Think about it.

All right. There is some real potential here. Don’t be afraid to use your powers of description and observation to bring that out. Good luck and see me with questions.

CK

Carr's Review of Tierra's Poems

Tierra,

After reading these a few times, I see a connection between these two poems. Both seem to be focused on the choices that people make. In the poem “Choices” those decisions seem to be those of the poet, but in the other piece the poet seems to be trying to understand the choices that her mother made. That’s very interesting, and eventually the two poems might go well together.

OK. In “No Apologies” the narrator seems to be struggling to come to grips with the loss of her mother, even though (or maybe especially because) her mother lived a not so reputable life. Her mother “love[d] money and semen/ everyman I face is leaving but my body pleasing.” Those are powerful lines, and coupled with the questions at the end – “What went wrong did you bite off more than you can chew?” – indicate the struggle. The poet asks these “Just to see if I’m just like you.” That’s a great situation to write about, the search for answers from a dead parent who we both love and resent. Very good.
There is one primary thing holding this poem back at the moment, and that is the presentation in terms of clarity. There are way too many lines here that don’t make sense, beginning with the first one. Go through this, Tierra, and look at all the lines. Have somebody else read it to you word for word. You’ll start to see the trouble spots. In addition, I think this poem could be tightened. Look at two sections of your poem, from “Cuz that aids full blown” to “no apologies” on the first page and “But I try to understand” to “no apologies” on the second. Those are the tightest (though still not tight enough), and you should strive for one more section like that – with that rhythm and texture. Most of the rest is just fluff. This needs to have a tight nap so it can stick.

All right. “Choices” is similar in one respect – it also takes a while to get into the groove. Here the groove comes with the line “The choices we have are the choices we provide” and continues to the end of the poem. I suggest you begin with that line – or with your current opening line – and then add a few lines at the end. Tell us what you choose to do. Right now the lines that come before the “provide” line are fluff. They are cliché and don’t mean anything. Get me to the real stuff. Get me to the poetry.

OK. You’ve got some good instincts, Tierra. Try to bring the execution up to the level of the ideas. See me with questions. Good luck.
CK

Tara's response to Breaking Mirrors

This poem has a depressing tone, it sounds like the girl in the poem is very insecure, and she feels better when she breaks mirrors, maybe she is lonely and has gone crazy.
"I climb the stairs,"
"And think of every,"
"Mirror I've stared at,"
"And every hour I've wasted there"
The character in the poem kind of sounds bi-polar to me, she only goes to break mirrors when she mad. I think she feels better after she breaks a mirror.
"I laugh"
"I'm insane"
"Im absolutely fucking mad"
"And above all"
"Im amazing"
These lines defnately reveal personality changes, I've never read anything like this poem, but i think Sophie is very creative and i like it.

Sean Brodie's Response to Tierra Poems "Choices" and "No Apologies"

Tierra's Poem, "Choices" is about the choices you make in life. If you were born poor, then you will be poor, if your born famous, then you will be famous, but you have the choice to decide what your life is going to be. No one can do it or make it for you, you have to get up on your own two feet and make the choices in your life. If you get discouraged, tell yourself to never give up, and fight for the choice you believe in. The sky is the limit and the choices you made, you will have to live with them.

Tierra's Poem "No Apologies" is about a prostitute, who used drugs, has aids, and had given birth to a baby. She loves having sex for money, and the guys like her because her body is so pleasing. This is her way of making money because it’s the only way she knows how to. She misses her mother, who seems to be upset with her prostituting out on the streets, and it pains her inside. Her mother blames herself for what her daughter is doing, but the central character says that it is not her fault and it is her burden to carry. She doesn't want any apologizes from her mother. Her memories of her are in her heart forever. She decided that she won't stop doing what she is doing. No matter what the cost.

These two poems are very beautiful and amazing. I can really feel what you are saying in these two poems and get inside the character's head. I wouldn't change anything. You had done a very good job. I will be waiting to read more of your poems.

Tara's response to No Apologies No Apologies

Tierra,
I love the way you write poetry like i told you before i can hear everything you write as a song especially this poem, it has so much power and feeling to it, I loved it!!!

I think this poem is about a mother doing drugs (coke) and she was diagnosed and ended up dying with AIDS. SHe had just given birth to you or whoever the character is in the poem. I don't think that you're necessarily angry with her i think you just wish you had her in your life, and just wonders what your life would of been like if she raised you, and maybe you just wanted that mother, daughter love.
"Now all i got left is to choose the right road and equipped bags,"
"So its easy to carry my load."
I think you are talking about drugs again because you have to choose the right road, or to get deeper in thought maybe you have nowhere to live and you are just walking around thinking about everything that has happened to you.
"Man a soldier we lost."
This line confused me because I'm not sure if you are using soldier in reference to your Mom just being a strong person and fighting hard. I'll be interested to hear what you meant by this.

Tara's Response to Treehuggers

Overall I think this story is funny, because i can kind of relate to it in a way. Me and my freinds sold strawberry dacquiries in the summer time on our street. Me and my one friend were underaged, but we didn't get caught and made lots of money. I think the whole jello shot idea is awesome, but I would charged the hippies more than $1. I think that it sucks that they got caught when Ethan was finally starting to make money. I guess he just didn't know who was in charge of the camp, and its sucks that the guy had to kick them out. I think i would of ended the story differently, like i would of had the guy call the police, but usually people go to jail for selling alcohol to minors, instead of the other way around. Sabrina you have a creative mind, but i think the story could of used some more conflict to make it more interesting.. Just a suggestion! I'll have more comments in class.

Sean Brodie's Response to Sabrina's Story "Treehuggers"

Sabrina's Story Treehuggers is about a possibly young man named Scott and his possible girlfriend or friend Dina, with his two younger siblings Ethan and Maddie, who had traveled two hundred miles to a Treehuggers Music Festival, which is like Woodstock 1969 in West Virginia to sell Jello-shots to hippies to make back the money they had lost by spending on the ingredients, tickets for the festival, and hoping to gain profit. Ethan and Maddie ran off to the festival to have fun, while Scott and Dina remained at their campsite try to sell Jello-shots, but were having bad luck. Maddie met a new friend who is the daughter of the owner of the festival. Scott and Dina decided to give Ethan a shot of trying to sell Jello-Shots since they only sold one for half the price. Ethan did so and came back with an empty Zip-Lock bag and sold ten Jello-shots for ten dollars. Scott and Dina were surprised, so they gave him some more Jello-shots and he came back with thirty dollars. The two asked how he managed to sell them. Ethan replied, that he just walk up to people and asked them if they want any, and he sold them. Sometime later, Ethan came back empty handed and told Scott and Dina that a man took his bag of Jello-Shots. The man came to their campsite in his four-wheeler ATV, who was the owner of the festival and Maddie's friend's father. He was upset that Scott and Dina let a child sell alcohol to people on his property and kick them out of the festival and told them to come back next year. Scott told Ethan it wasn't his fault, it was his and Dina, so they packed up their stuff and Ethan went to get Maddie so they can return home. They two kids were disappointed that they had to leave two days earlier than they had anticipated. In the end, Ethan lighten up the mood by telling Scott and Dina that he made more money than they did, and they laugh at the irony of it. They knew their situation could had been a lot worst, and vowed to never speak about it again. Then they played a song and the lyrics went like this, "Cross my heart and hope to die, I was just hanging out with the other guys,yeh-yeh yeh-yeh yeh-yeh yeh, singing, "Thank you, for a real good time!"

I really enjoyed this story and wouldn't change anything about it except I would suggest maybe giving an idea on how old Scott and Dina are. I believe they’re in their early 20's, for other readers to get an idea, and I would suggest when the owner came to lecture Scott and Dina, that he should say, "I'll let you go this time, but next time if I catch you letting a child sell Alcohol again, I will call the police." I really like how you wrote this story and the idea of it. It reminds me of the college days and the main characters of the story went to a WoodStock festival in 1969 or 70s and were selling the good stuff. It feels like to me it was a real experience that had happen to somebody or it was from a comedy movie. Great Job!