Carr's Review of Sabrina's Story

Sabrina,

There are some things working well here in your story of Scott, Dina, and Ethan at the festival. First of all, I think the scenario is a plausible one. Scott and Dina come up with a plan based on someone else’s story, and are frustrated that their experience doesn’t match their expectations. Ethan wants to be involved with his older brother, to be more adult, so he eagerly accepts the challenge of selling the shots. And I could easily see how people at the festival might be more inclined to buy jello shots from a kid. That all seemed very real to me.
I also think the writing here is clean and smooth for the most part. My favorite lines both contain dialogue: ‘“We need more ice before all of these melt and we can’t sell them,” Scott said, examining one in the sunlight.’ I like that because of the detail of action at the end of the tag. ‘“Scott,” Dina started, nervous for what was about to happen.’ Again, I like the info included at the end of the tag.

OK. My main concern here is about the story, and the question of what is the story. Does something happen here? Yes, Scott and Dina are kicked out of the festival. But what does it matter to them? I don’t know. I think you have the action here, but not the story. I don’t think your characters are developed enough, and I don’t think there is a clearly defined central character with a desire that leads to conflict. There doesn’t seem to be anything at stake here. So my suggestion would be to do a few things: first, decide which character you want to be the central one – either Scott, Dina, or Ethan. Second, start to flesh out the character, at least in your notes. What does he want? What does he do to get it? What are some of his life experiences and memories? What kind of person is he? The answers to these don’t have to appear in the story, but you should know them. Then take the character to the festival and let something happen. Maybe it’s the jello shot incident, but that seems like the minor thing in the background. It seems to me that the real conflict lies somewhere else. Maybe getting kicked out for selling the shots is the thing that saves Scott or Dina from something really bad. Think about it.

All right. There is some real potential here. Don’t be afraid to use your powers of description and observation to bring that out. Good luck and see me with questions.

CK