heidi's response to Priscilla's story

“The Glass Box” is a very engaging story that makes the reader want to keep reading. Both the character of Shaundra and of Dr. Strohlman are interesting and realistically developed, making it difficult not to want to know more about them. The description of the setting is appealing and prepares the reader for something he/she might not be expecting, such as the quirky and unorthodox methods of the doctor. In terms of suggestions, the background on Shaundra could probably be worked into the progression of the story a bit more rather than just simply telling the reader the information through narration. There seems to be a lot of potential with this story, and it would be worth continuing.

heidi's response to Allie's poems

“1940” seems to be about a surprising discovery made in the basement of the speaker’s home. The first stanza makes me think that perhaps the speaker is talking about the Prohibition Era; but since that ended before 1940, I realized this is not the case. I am not sure what exactly this poem is about, but the descriptions are well done. I particularly enjoyed the lines “created before/ the mass-produced,/ (all-things-must-look-the-same)/ era” because they appear to be a subtle commentary on today’s culture. The difficulty that I had with this poem is that I am not sure what the point is that the poet is trying to make. There are good images that make it interesting to read, but I don’t quite understand it. Were it more specific and evident as to what the speaker intended the point to be, it would be a more powerful poem.
“Trial and Error” has a sensual feel about it and appears to deal with an unsteady relationship. Several of the images are quite evocative, such as “my black sundress smoldering,/ causing the air to become wicked,” which contributes to the strong sense of a physical attraction between the speaker and the person she’s talking about. As with the other poem, however, I am not sure I get exactly what the poem is about. I very much like the images and use of language, but it seems contradictory and unclear. One example of this is in the first stanza when the speaker says “I knew we were destined to/ be strangers,/ when I could smell/ your smell/ even away from you.” Another example is in the last stanza: “But I couldn’t wait until winter/ …The summer months are much too short.” This causes ambiguity and does not make clear what the author is trying to communicate.

Claudia's Response to Chris's Poems

Claudia’s Response to Chris’s Poems:
The Marriage
This poem paints a picture of an old married couple who seem to be in a loveless marriage, but that is not how it started out when they were younger. The wife nags constantly and the man has a vision of killing her by lobbing a coffee mug at her head. Their marriage brings to mind his parents’ marriage which he seems to be reliving. I like the picture you paint of how the old man once “fawned over” his “young and impetuous “ wife, but has now lost that feeling. I think it is a reminder to all married couples of what can happen if you don’t work hard at keeping that spark alive.
The Traveler
Nice imagery of flying over a cityscape and the scene that unfolds prior to landing. I especially liked the line, “Like bacteria in a Petri dish, A living organism grows”. As I read this line, I am reminded of the view of a city at night from a plane having a lifelike quality with the lights undulating giving it movement. Great visualization.
Thanks-Claudia

Claudia's Critique of Priscilla's Story-The Glass Box

Claudia's Critique of Priscilla's Story-The Glass Box
Brief Summary: This is a story of a 16y.o teenage girl named Shaundra who was court ordered to go to a therapist, Dr. Strolhman, to be evaluated for her mental status. Shaundra had faced some losses at the age of 12, her best friend died, parents divorced and Grandpa George died. She turned to a life of rebellion, sex and drugs. The story revolves around the relationship she is starting to form with the therapist.
Response: There was a lot to like about this story. The therapist was unique in her style/approach and that helped Shaundra start to like and trust her. The therapist had an aura about her that left the reader wondering if she had some kind of special power. She was kind yet firm and that appealed to Shaundra. The glass box had odd trinkets that made me wonder what they all meant and where she got them. There were some really good descriptive sentences like,”Her heart was hard, her attitude cold, and her mind dark” that went to her state of mind. I thought the dialogue was realistic except when the doctor told her about her father getting “turned on” by her mother getting mad at him.
Areas to focus on for revision: Although the descriptions were detailed, they sometimes slowed the story down. I got caught up in the imagery and forgot the storyline. I wanted to know more about Shaundra’s past and how she wound up court ordered to a therapist. I know she did drugs and had sex, but what exactly got her there? Dr. Strohlman said she knew Shaundra was intelligent, but there was nothing to base that on considering her lack of conversation with the therapist. Would like to know more about Shaundra’s past. For a 16y.o to know about Baja, I wanted to know if she had been there or had studied about it. Overall an entertaining story.
Thanks-Claudia

Claudia's Response to Melda's Poems:

Claudia’s Response to Melda’s Poems:
Childhood
This poem is about the loss of childhood due to violence. The violence seems to be either on the streets or in a war zone, both of which have similarities. She is trying to hide and run away from this violence, however it seems to catch up to her. Worse than anything however is the loss of innocence. I liked this poem and feel it is quite relevant in today’s world. The bolded words make for an interesting sentence—“hiding gunshots run forward back childhood never.” Don’t know if this was purposeful but it is impactful. A sad commentary on life and one which I wonder was an experience you had as a young girl.
Goodbye
I get the sense that this is about a woman saying goodbye to someone she cares deeply about who is perhaps going off to war. She is angry and unbearably sad knowing that this person may never return. It is a very emotional piece wherein she bares her soul for all to feel and experience with her. This poem ties in with Childhood in that the reader gets the sense of loss and emotional impact the poet has experienced. Again, this is a relevant poem that imparts the full emotionality of the writer.
Thanks-Claudia

Scott's Critique on Heidi's Poems

Both poems Heidi wrote consisted of the theme of knowledge and a higher learning. Although they were the same subject they both stood out on their own, each with separate perspectives to education. I really liked the metaphor in "Library Smell"; "...The scent of knowledge, of story. I try to absorb it through my skin but the words get caught in my pores-" In regards to "Education," I liked the rhyme scheme and the break half way through to free verse, it's an interesting pattern that I thought worked really well. "Education" was definitely a powerful piece due to the ongoing discussion in class.

Scott's critique on Ayisha's "An Autumn Dream"

Response:
This story opens to a woman, Amy coming home during the Autumn season. She then meets with a childhood friend, Eric. The two walk the town where they view changed scenery throughout. Eric and Amy end up sitting together catching up. As the emotions grow, the feeling is cut off by Amy's alarm clock. Her time with Eric was a dream. The reader finds out that her dream is a nightly routine where she regrets losing contact with Eric.

Critique:
"An Autumn Dreams'" flow is very interesting, I like how the story turns out to be a dream. I also think that the emotional tension and regret works out well. On a particular note, I really like the first couple of lines in the story, I thought they painted a good picture. The one thing that stuck out to me was figuring out who came to town. At first it says that Amy was driving home, later on she is the one showing Eric around. I couldn't get a good grip on the person returning etc. Over all, good job.

Scott's critique of Pat's "On the Eve of His Departue"

Response:
This story takes place during the last night of Mark's stay in Portland. He is going back home in the East where he plans to stay and not return to Oregon. Most of the story utilizes conversation between two central characters; Mark and Justine. "On the Eve..." opens to Mark searching for Justine in her home, he floats around the home from the library and to the balcony, reminiscing of memories from the past along the way. The story ends with Mark letting Justine know he will wake her in the morning.

Critique:

I feel that Pat's story was great, it had a very nice flow to it which didn't drag on. The transition from one subject to another, i.e. Mark heading to the balcony, to his night of drinking, smoking, and goodbyes, back to the balcony setting, worked really well also. In regards to transition, Pat also did a good job on switching back and forth between dialogue and prose. One of my big issues with the story was the ending, it didn't end on a high or low note, it just kind of, ended. I didn't have too many issues to say on the negative side, kudos.

Valerie's Review of Josh's 'Don't call it a Comeback'

‘Don’t call it a comeback’ is a story about Danny, a pro fighter whose seems to have lost his edge in the ring and there for his wealth. With his cars and possessions being reposed, and he fears he cannot provide for his family, he decides to join up with an old friend to rob a jewelry store. Danny is shot and ends up dying, but not before placing a large diamond in his sons teddy bear that he took for luck.
“Don’t call it a comeback” had a lot of interesting parts, my favorite is when Danny and Natasha argue in front of the children, something it seems they never normally do. I think this is a great show of the financial stress that they are under. I also like how there is two side of Danny, the ‘old’ Danny, that shows when he is talking to Ronnie and goes to rob the jewelry store and the ‘real’ Danny, the one who talks sweet to his wife and kids.
What I found confusing however, was the way the story was formatted, with the dialogue in the text, it made it hard to follow. There were a few spots that I thought could have used a little more elaboration such as the conversations between Danny and Natasha and Ronnie and Natasha. There is some really good dialogue in this story, but perhaps enhancing some of the actions would make it even stronger.

Valerie's Review of Liz's 'Josie'

Josie is the story of a family of four; mother Jayme, father Kyle, and two kids Josie and Cayden. They seem to live a normal life until everything is shattered by a tragic car accident which results in the death of Josie.

Josie brought me into the normal everyday life of Jayme, I love the way the dialogue and actions in the beginning really demonstrate the loving relationships between the family members. I smiled and laughed, at how Josie and Cayden behaved, anyone who knows kids of that age could surely relate. The writing in the beginning of the story is very strong, and gives a great sense of this family and their life. However, starting right before the car accident, there are several changes in perspective which make it very confusing, and harder to identify with Jayme. I think if the story was changed to remain in Jayme's perspective the entire time, and perhaps including more of her actions (maybe dropping the phone on impact perhaps) would really help me to feel for Jayme. I felt a lot for the loss of Josie, since her presentation was consistent through the whole story, but in order to feel for Jayme, she should be the main focus all the time.

Valerie's Review of Lena's 'Intoxication by Nature'

I think ‘Intoxication by Nature’ has a lot very powerful wording in it, however, I feel more like the poem is about someone who is making a divine connection with nature, becoming one with ‘her’ in a very passionate, intimate way. However, I do not feel as if the narrator is becoming ‘intoxicated’ by nature, which is what I was expecting from the title. I think perhaps the title could be changed to reflect the mood of the poem, or perhaps make more ‘intoxicating’ references as opposed to ‘divine’ ones.

Valerie's Review of Lena's 'Bad Dream'

Such a beautiful, powerful poem, it brought tears to my eyes as I thought about a friend I lost over the summer. I love the fact that the poem has progression, the narrator goes from being in denial to slowly admitting that their friend has died. The use of strong nature metaphors really help to emphasize the pain the narrator is feeling. I also like the fact that there aren’t any analogies in the description of his death and body, it gives such a sense of harsh bitter sense of reality. I think that making all the metaphors nature related, possible even all water related (since many of them already are water related) will tie the whole thing together.

Melda's Critique of "Education" by Heidi Heifer

This poem is about a person who is absolutely against technology in schools because it is not necessary.
As with any controversial argument, there are always two points of view. I believe you describe how technology is bad for today's youth pretty well. I love the line, "so it's no longer teaching but putting on a show," because I can see why teachers do not necessarily need to use technology to get a point across. Also, I like the shift of the poem starting with, "But teaching is about…" You even use different line scheme to emphasize the shift. However, I do not see the why you said that kids have ADHD because of technology. If you wanted to put that in your poem, you could have elaborated more on it.

Melda's Critique of "Library Smell" by Heidi Heifer

This poem is about a person who is describing his/her sensory experience in a library.
I like the rhyme scheme in the beginning of the poem even though it is not completely obvious, but nonetheless, it works for me. Also, I like the line "but the words get caught in my pores." It is very powerful as you describe words as a creature that cannot seem to enter into your mind. I do not understand, however, why you state that you don’t want the knowledge from the library. It seems to me as if the library is a place where you absolutely hate going.

Melda's Critique of "An Autumn Dream" by Ayisha Brathwaite

I like the beautiful fall imagery that we get in the beginning of the story. For example, you state, "The branches were laden with leaves of browns, red, yellows and oranges, falling down like a gentle rain onto the worn ground." It gets the reader involved and interested in the story. Also, I believe your story is easy to relate to. Almost all of us had some kind of forbidden crush that wondered into our dreams once in a while. However, I believe you could have developed the story or the dream better if you described some specific memories the two characters had together. That way we could understand the character relationship better.

Melda's critique of "On the Eve of His Departure"

I love how easy your story is to read. You made sure to start a new paragraph every time another person was speaking. Also we can tell that the main character, Mark, truly cares about Justine. For example, he wonders whether or not Justine met his parents. Mark seems to want to take the relationship to the next level since he wants her to meet his parents. Also, towards the end of the story, Mark brings Justine water, beer, and basically whatever she wants. Mark hates to say goodbye to Justine and decides that he will do that last. On the other hand, your story has no conflict. I would have liked to see how the characters act when they are apart or when they are saying goodbye to each other.

heidi's response to Patrick's story

“On the Eve of His Departure”
This story seems to have a lot of potential. The dialogue moves the action along, and it predominantly shows rather than tells, which keeps the reader interested. The characters seem unique, and it would be intriguing to develop them even further. The intimate and comfortable relationship that Mark and Justine have is made evident through their actions, and the specific details about each character adds to the believability of the story. There did seem to be an overuse of “sugar” and “darling,” and it became rather annoying after a bit. It’s also not clear how Mark develops and/or changes, nor is it clear what exactly the point of the story is. Nevertheless, what’s there does make the reader want to find out more about the characters.

heidi's response to Ayisha's story

“An Autumn Dream”
The description of the trees are well done and create a nice setting for the story. The story goes right into the story and gets the reader involved, and the emotional tension between the two characters is nicely understated and subtly developed. Also, the story development is incorporated into the action so it keeps progressing. I don’t really feel like I know either of the characters’ personalities though, nor is it clear what their motivations are. Ending with the protagonist waking up from a dream is a big disappointment and leaves the reader feeling tricked and cheated. An alternate way of ending it would be preferable.

heidi's response to Saira's story

“Resurrection”
This story does a good job of jumping right into the action and quickly engaging the reader. Description and dialogue move the story along and seem to progress naturally. The info given keeps the reader interested and makes you want to keep reading to find out what happens. It’s clearly just the beginning of a larger story, so this may not be significant; however, I can’t say as I feel like I have much of an attachment to the protagonist, Ashley, even though you do suggest that she’s a sympathetic character. Also, it’s not clear who Miles Ronald is, even though he apparently has strong ties to Ashley’s family.

Lena's review "Education" and "Library Smell" by Heidi Helfer

Library smell is about the love of books in a library and the desire for learning knowledge. “The scent of knowledge, of story” I like because I can relate to being comforted and excited when smelling the pages from a new book or entering library that wreaks the smell of old books. “Still can’t stay away because I need that knowing even if I don’t want it.” I like this line because you can lose it and continue to search and explore the library for something. You could write about the surrounding environment of the library to give the essence of the smell. Education is about a teacher’s frustration of technology in schools when kids already know technology and teaching as an art form to captivate kid’s attention and learn and enjoy knowledge. “But teaching is about taking kids someplace they otherwise wouldn’t go: it’s about getting them to think, to create and making them grow.” I like this because this is what real teaching should be in all schools learning is a mental adventure. “Teaching is an art, and learning, a need. Don’t encourage minds to be numb or allow imagination to decline” together the lines create complete thought of the teaching and learning and the negative affect is not done correctly. You could write more about the specific art of teaching.

Lena's review "Resurrection" by Saira Malik

I like the story beginning in the doctor’s office with doctor telling Ashley she only has a couple of months to live. I like her struggle and courage to contact with her family after 12 years. “As she stepped out of the car, anyone looking at her would be struck by how beautiful and serene she looked. She was of average height and weighed about 110 lbs and had long brown hair framed by green vibrant eyes. Her skin was pale as ivory and the only blemish on her face was a small mole on the left side of her chin. No one could tell that she had a tumor growing inside her brain that was beyond repair and that within a few short months she was going to be dead.” I like this because it is a good description of her physical features as a young and beautiful mother. “Thinking about her past, Ashley could hear her father’s ranting and screaming when he was in one of his rages. She could actually hear the piercing screams of her mother while she was being beat by him. She could hear the whishing sounds of his leather belt when it struck her own backside. She could still taste her salty tears while they streamed down her face and to which her father was oblivious.” I like this because it is very vivid of the details of her father being physically abusive to her and her brothers Michael and peter and her mother. It would be nice to mention more of the interaction of the family reunion and emotional response from her family after her revealing about her tumor and only having a couple of months to live.

Lena's review "Don’t call it a comeback" by Josh Nuckolls

The story was good but predictable when Danny brings his son’s teddy bear with him and put the diamond in it. In “ Danny was familiar and accustomed to the hard way, and had Natasha and the kids not been there Danny probably would have chosen the hard way in a heartbeat and broken Oscars but in this situation it wasn’t the right thing to do so Danny step aside.” I like the description of his past habit and having a family persuaded him to be nonviolent in financial situations. I like the dialogue between the girlfriend and Danny because she knows he is going back to his old ways and worried he will get hurt. Could continue more about his past to lead up to the present outcome .

Claudia's Critique of Patrick's Story

Critique of Patrick’s Story: On the Eve of His Departure
Brief Summary: Justine and Mark are lovers who seem to need each other for very different reasons. She is older than Mark by 4 years and has taken on a mothering role with him. Mark is a confused young man attempting to pursue and complete his education. He is leaving her to move to Maine where his father lives. He is conflicted about his life and it’s meaning.
Response: I liked the dialogue especially when Mark was questioning his life; “Is this what people do? Do they do things anyway?” Patrick really gets the sense of confusion and lack of a sense of self that Mark has about his life when he asks Justine,” Will I be OK Justine?” Mark seems unable to remain in a stable relationship or commit to anything long term as he has been in Oklahoma, Portland and now is moving onto Maine. He seems to want to get his degree but he lacks sustainability. Mark’s character comes across as a tortured young man without a clear direction in his life. He tries to do the right thing, but gets lost along the way. I liked the references to books and poems, it brought depth to the story.
Areas to focus on for revision: It was not clear what the nature of the relationship was and why Justine was with him. He didn’t seem to bring much to the relationship as he was a heavy drinker, probably an alcoholic and a pot smoker who had difficulty pleasing her sexually. Justine had a real problem with his drinking and I didn’t know if he had always been a heavy drinker or if it had escalated. She had met his parents at some time and I wondered when that would have been and why she met them. I would have liked to know more about Justine and how they met.
An enjoyable read.
Thanks-Claudia

Claudia's Critique of Ayisha's Story

Claudia’s Critique of Ayisha’s story: Autumn Dream
Brief Summary: Amy, who is now 16, has a recurring dream of reuniting with Eric who she fell in love with, but never told her feelings to him. He went away to another school to study. She wakes up feeling regretful for not sharing her feelings with him.
Response: I enjoyed the story, the description of the autumn leaves and the manner in which they met. Ayisha has a nice setting for her story. It seems they had a friendship which turned into more for Amy and I felt sad for her at the end as it was an unrequited love.
Areas to focus on for revision: Would like to know more about Amy and Eric’s relationship before he left. She was young so might have her reflect on her “crush” she has on him. I don’t know how old Eric is or was when they met. Wanted to know more about the town and how it had changed. This could be a metaphor for how her feelings had changed.
Overall a nice story.
Thanks-Claudia

Claudia's Response to Heidi's Poems

Claudia’s Response to Heidi’s Poems:

Claudia’s Response to Heidi’s Poems:
“Education”—It is very clear in this poem how the writer feels about technology replacing good old fashioned learning in todays educational system. It does seem that students today need more of an entertainment factor in the classroom, otherwise they become bored. I like the line,” This isn’t a business with customers to please.” I am not sure if there are studies to back up that technology is the only cause of ADHD, but perhaps it is a contributing cause. I felt that the poem took on an almost lecturing quality, so might rephrase some of the lines. I do agree that teaching is an art and we need more good teachers who are invested in teaching creatively without the use of gadgets. But, I also believe that computers have a place in the classroom and they are certainly here to stay. A thought provoking poem.
Thanks-Claudia
“Library Smell”—Great title, I love it. I, too, enjoy the smell of a library and of books in general so it was easy to identify with the writer. While reading this poem I wanted to know what truth was overwhelming and why wouldn’t the writer want the knowing? I felt like I wanted to know more. Enjoyable poem.
Thanks-Claudia

Takira's Response to Saira's Story

Your story was very interesting. I liked it a lot. I liked Ashley’s character because her brief story of her pass resembles many people I actually know. The story had a very emotional touch to it and made me feel for Ashley a little more than I did for her son. I am curious as to what would happen to her son. I would like to know if the family took care of him and how did he react to his mother’s death. My only critique is to maybe give more on what happens next because there was really no ending. It seemed to be more of the beginning to a story.

Takira's Response to Josh's Story

I liked your story. It was an easy read and realistic. I liked the part in the story where Danny put the diamond in the teddy bear for his wife. I thought it was a nice way of showing how Danny was prepared for the worst that could possibly happen due to his decision to go back to his old days. I also liked that he took his family out the house so that they would not see repo men were taking their things. The only problem I had with the story was that you gave your opinion about many of the characters as the writer instead of maybe having them be Danny’s opinion.

Takira's Response to Liz's Story

I really enjoyed your story. I liked how you started it off with a dialogue. I liked the characters in the story. It reminded me of a perfect American family. I loved the interaction between the family and how they were all there for each other. The switch in the story when the car crash took place had me gasping because it felt like I was actually in the scene watching it happen as it was happening. It was very emotional and had me waiting to see what was going to happen. I ending was so sad to read and made me almost cry. The only thing I would have liked to know more about was Josie. Just a little more about her character would be great.

Takira's Response to Lena's Poem

Intoxication by Nature is about a woman’s love for nature, Mother Nature. Bad Dream is about losing a close friend to Cancer. I really liked both of your poems. Both were really good and had me wanting more. I loved Intoxication by Nature because I can relate to the lines. I loved the imagery and metaphors. It made the poem seem more real and personal. I loved the personification in the poem. Bad Dream was very touching. I couldn’t imagine what it would be like to lose someone you are so close to. I love the beginning. It kept me intrigued with every line. I don’t really have too much of a critique for you. Can’t wait to read more of your poems!

Patrick's response to Liz's story "Josie"

I liked this story very much, even though it was sad and shocking at the end. I thought the writer did a very good job of portraying the family. The reader got a strong sense of the family dynamic that was going on. The dialogue works well throughout and its very tight and crisp. I like how the story started with dialogue and then proceeded to get into the plot line, she mixed the dialogue and story line very well, she had a good balance there. The reader left me wanting to know more though. She got me really engaged and interested and I want to know what happens next. How are kyle, Jayme and Cayden going to deal with the the loss of Josie. So, to me it was almost like the story was a prelude into a much bigger story. I think this story has a lot of potential and promise, but I think the real story lies in what will happen next. There is a lot of options open for her as to what she could do with it. I think it would be neat if she centered it strictly around Kyle and Jamie and how they are dealing with the changes. She could have the man driving the car that killed Josie get off on the charges and because of that Jayme and Kyle have to see him around town, like when they are out to eat and at the grocery store.
But overall I liked the story and I look forward to reading Liz's next submission.

Melda’s critique of “Resurrection” by Saira Malik

I like that you describe Ashley very well. You tell us what she looks like, how much she loves her son, her financial status, etc. We can tell you thought out the character well, especially when you describe why she is not connected with her family. Her father beat her when she was growing up and her mother left her and her brothers at the age of 10. Other than her son, Ashley does not have connections to her family. On the other hand, I did not like how the story ended. If your story is about a resurrection of Ashley’s past than why didn’t you show us the meeting she had with her family? To me it felt as if you cut the story too short.

Melda's response to Lena Redding "Bad Dream"

This poem is about someone who has lost someone dear to them due to a disease and how painful it is to say goodbye.
I like how realistic the poem is. You describe the pain of losing someone close to you pretty well. Also, I love the line, "Memories of him hit me like a huge waterfall." It is very powerful to imagine how these emotions feel as a waterfall. On the other hand, it is not clear whether or not you are talking about a former lover or someone else that is close to you. I am curious as to who this poem is about and how the two characters are related. I would have loved if that was clear.

Melda's response to Lena Redding "Intoxication by Nature"

This poem is about someone who in intrigued with nature so much so that it gives him/her a "high" feeling.
I like the various imagery lines you use to emphasize how beautiful nature is. For example, you say, "Trembling leaves that shift and envelop my body." Also, I like that the nature is a female and that you give her characteristics and traits. However, you could have kept going more with giving Mother Nature more personal traits. I would have liked to see more of it.

Melda's response to Liz Wenrich "Josie"

I like how you set up your story so that we can see how perfect this family is. The family consists of loving parents and two kids who all get along perfectly. Your story illustrates that nobody is perfect because their world gets crushed when they find out that Josie died in the car accident. One way you could improve your story is to talk more about Josie and her daily habits, her likes/dislikes, etc. because, after all, your story's title is "Josie."

Melda's response to John Nuckolls "Don't call it a comeback"

I found it interesting how much you liked your character, even though he does some bad things. Also, I like how clear you made it as to who is talking in the story. For example, every time Danny spoke you stated clearly, "Danny speaks." On the other hand, I did not think the title suited the story very well. The title is "Don’t call it a Comeback," but I do not think the story is about a comeback…it is more about a desperate father who is trying to provide for him family.

Liz's Response to Josh's Story

Response to Josh Nuckolls’ “Don’t Call it a Comeback”
This was a story about Danny Robbins, a fighter who lost his career as a pro MMA fighter. All of his possessions were about to be taken away from him and he resorted to his old life of “ghetto crime” to support his family. During the robbery of a jewelry store he was shot and died a few hours later, but not before stuffing a valuable diamond in his son’s teddy bear to keep his family financially secure.
I thought this was an interesting story. It was enjoyable to read and also believable. I liked the dialogue and conversations between the characters in the story because it really gave the reader a sense of who these people are and how they act. I also liked how you showed that, even though Danny had a rough exterior, he still had compassion and cared about his kids. I thought the fact that he didn’t want his kids to know what he was doing to support them and that he stashed the diamond was really showing to his true character. Some parts that confused me were some of the dialogue paragraphs: i.e. when the family is talking and Joe asks where the cars went, the paragraph gets confusing between dialogue and the narrator. I was also confused as to where the wife and kids were going to stay if everything was being taken away from them and how the kids would not know what was going on if they went home and everything was gone? In all, I enjoyed this story.

Claudia's Critique of Resurrection by Saira Malik

Claudia's Critique of Resurrection by Saira Malik
Brief Summary: This is the story of a young, single mother who has been diagnosed with a brain tumor and given only 2-4 months to live. She needs to find someone to care for her 4 yo son which is a dilemma since she has been at odds with her family for years. She needs to resurrect her past in order to have a family member take care of her son.
Response: A sad story written to pull at heartstrings. The thought of a young mother dying and being unable to come up with a responsible person to care for her son is heartbreaking. I like the opening line as it grabs the reader. The part when she is questioning why her is very real. The memories she describes help develop her character and gives the reader a sense of why she has been apart from her family. The ending leaves me wanting to know what will happen tomorrow.
Areas/Focus for revision: 1.I didn’t know Miles relationship with Ashley and why she called him first. 2. I wanted to know why the boy’s father wasn’t in his life.3. Why didn’t she have a close friend she could have left him with?
I enjoyed this story although it was another sad one.
Thanks Saira-Claudia

Claudia's Critique of Don't Call it a Comeback by Josh Nuckolls

Claudia’s Critique of” Don’t Call it a Comeback” by Josh Nucholls
Brief Summary: Josh writes a sad tale of an Afican-American man who had the American Dream but lost everything when he couldn’t fight in the MMA anymore. Danny Robbins turned to crime to make fast money and lost his life in so doing, leaving behind a girlfriend and twin boys. He put a huge diamond ring from the robbery in a stuffed bear which his wife found, which would be used to support the boys.
Response: I liked that Josh wrote of a different race and used realistic dialogue to keep true to his characters. Some of this language,however, was shocking to the reader. The storyline was creative and has real potential. I felt sorry for Danny’s boys. It was sad that the only solution to Danny’s problems was to resort to robbing a jewelry store. Not very uplifting.
Areas/Focus for revision: The stereotypes pop out at the reader and I am wondering if that was intentional. Would Danny have said to his son,”cut that shit out”? The language did shock me, but maybe that was purposeful.
Josh, an interesting story that moved along.
Thanks-Claudia

Claudia's Response to Lena's Poems

Claudia Blaize: Response to Bad Dream & Intoxication by Nature-Lena Redding
Bad Dream:
A very sad poem of the loss of the writer’s best friend who was also her first love. I felt that you had actually experienced this death as your descriptions of his body as it was being destroyed by cancer were quite accurate. I liked many of your lines, esp.,”Tired of crying from the eyes that betray me” and “His sinking inward smile thinning out”, and “His corpse like a masquerade mannequin”. You made me feel your pain and loss. I did get a bit of a jolt when you wrote about climbing into the coffin with his dead body. Wasn’t sure if it was real or metaphorical in nature.

Intoxication by Nature:
This poem also speaks about love, but not of a person, of mother nature and all she has to offer. Perhaps this was written after your first love died as you write,”Decade and a half of solitude resolved with peace within and companionship with nature”. Was nature a solace after experiencing that human loss? You write that you “love” and “trust” it completely. Maybe it is that nature cannot let you down as relationships with people can. I liked the line,”Brightness seeps throughout the dark green canopies”. Good visualization. I didn’t understand the last line, so would need clarification of what you meant.
Two beautiful poems Lena.
Thanks-Claudia

claudia's critique of Josie by Liz Wenrich

Claudia's Critique of Josie:

Brief Summary of the story:
This is a “nice” story about a typical young family going through the paces of daily life. A hard working dad, a stay at home mom (maybe), raising two young children in what seems to be a small town. A car accident totally destroys their existence as they lose their daughter, Josie.
Response: I liked how you set the scenes to reflect this typical family going about their lives as any other young family might be doing. The dialogue seemed realistic and well placed. If the reader has ever been in an accident, the description of the crash happening in, “slow motion…without control of her body” is so true. Also liked that the dad told Josie he loved her before he left, reminding the reader of the importance of saying those words to people we love when saying goodbye as it may be the last time. “The screams were sharp and filled with terror” was an impactful line. A very sad story as this is something that can change a family forever and that we read about in the paper, unfortunately on an almost daily basis.
Areas /focus for revision: 1.The dad is in a hurry to leave the house, yet he winds up staying long enough to watch TV with his son and then get Josie dressed, etc. A little confusing. 2. Since he “…was always forgetting things” I thought that his wife might get frustrated or at least exasperated with him. Maybe more of a reaction from her about this bad habit. 3. Perhaps have more visceral reaction from Kyle as he is hearing this horrific tragedy unfold and he is helpless to do anything about it.4.The ending left me wondering if Josie was dead or missing. Was this purposeful? I liked that it made me think about what may have happened and that this seemingly”normal” story could turn into a Stephen King thriller. I could also be way off base.
I really enjoyed reading your story.
Thanks--Claudia

Takira's Response to Becca

Reflections is about the colors reflected in the water at nighttime. Revolutions is about being lost and confused in a big, busy city like New York.
I liked your poems. They were really good. I liked ‘Reflections’ the best. Your word choice in the poem was great especially the first stanza. It was very descriptive and imaginative. I liked both poems. I could feel the words of the lines you wrote. Each line implicated a different feeling and reaction in Revolutions. It made me feel as if I was an unfamiliar in the big city lost and confused. I don’t have any critiques for you.

Takira's Response to Katie

Your story was very interesting. I liked it. It had me speechless at the end because just like the town, I wouldn’t expect them to do what they did. You did a very good job in developing the characters in a way that would have the reader in shock like the people in the town the girls lived in. I liked the detail in the plan the girls came up with in such a short period of time. I don’t have too much of a critique besides maybe letting us know what happened when the town found out.

Takira's Response to Adam

I absolutely LOVED your story! It reminds me of my family, except there are 16 grandchildren. It kept me laughing and wanting more. I liked the paragraph on page 5 (starting with “so we all got back into position like good boys and girls”) the best. It was hilarious and I could imagine what happened if I was there. You made the story realistic and fun to read. I also like “the look”. I can definitely relate to that because my cousins and I also do that when we are about to do something. I don’t really have too much of a critique. I would just like to know what the grandmother did with the picture.

Takira's Response to Kathleen

I loved your story. The opening paragraph was funny and interesting. It made me want to read the rest of the story. Brian kept me laughing with his personality and the way he thought about things. I liked that you used something as simple as a tree for inspiration and the one piece of art that Brian would finish. I like the part where Brian lost his job. It reminded me of a movie scene where the person who is getting fired always says something irrelevant to the conversation out of wrong assumptions. My only problem with the story was that I wasn’t really sure what Brian’s routine was. I couldn’t figure out if what he did when he got in the house was an everyday thing or just that day. Otherwise I loved the story and look forward to reading more.

Takira's Response to Scott

I liked your story. It was interesting to read. I liked the story switch between the two groups of boys and then bring them together. It was very interesting that the young men would steal from their friend’s younger brother. I also liked the dialogue between the guys. The only thing that confused me was the switch in the beginning from the three young men to the two young boys. I would only suggest a better transition between the two scenarios. I really liked your story otherwise and look forward to reading more of your work in class and hearing it. Good job!

Takira's Response to Seth

I really enjoyed your story. It is a good example of how a ‘good and normal perfect family’ could be very dysfunctional and broken. This just shows that everyone has family problems behind doors. I loved all the characters in the story, especially the father. I loved the use of the Cher song that makes the neighbor questionable like Charles Sr because of the stereotype. I really enjoyed the story. The only thing I was a little confused by was which Charles you were talking about at times. My only suggestion is to specify Jr. or Sr. But I can’t wait to read more of your work.

Takira's Response to Valarie

I loved your story. I was and still am surprised by the ending. I sat with my mouth wide open for a minute because I was so surprised. I liked the dialogue. It made the story feel more personal because I knew what the characters were actually saying and feeling. It was very interesting from the beginning to the end. It keeps me wanting more. I thought about what could happen next and if Elle ever got out of the mental institution, if Sonya ever confessed, did anyone get convicted for the crime, or was the case left unsolved. Although I really like the ending, it would be nice to know what happened to the girls. Overall I thought this was a great story and can’t wait to read more of your work.

Patrick's response to Josh's story

I really enjoyed this story. I thought it was a really clever idea for a story. The central character was very distinct and well developed. The reader knew what kind of man danny was and how he felt towards his family. I think you get a clear sense of what he wants and what he is willing to do in order to make things right for his family. He is definitely a man of sacrifice and I think that is a strong part of the story. Putting the dimond in the bear at the end was a great twist that i wansnt expecting, i thought he was just going to die and leave his family with nothing, so I'm glad the ending was uplifting. However one main problem that i encountered was the dialogue. It was cluttered in with the narrative and it became hard to follow. The writer should break paragraph during dialogue so the reader knows exactly who is speaking. But overall i enjoyed this story and i am looking forward to reading josh's next submission.

Patrick's resopnse to Saira's story

I really enjoyed reading this story. It was very well written and had a good story line going throughout. The central character development was very good. The reader gets a very strong sense of who ashley is and what she ultimately wants. Of course one can't help but feel sad and emotional for ashley, but that's how some story's are and in this case it's not a bad thing. One gets the sense that ashley's son is going to turn out ok. I like how the writer decided to end the story where she did, it definitely makes you ask yourself some questions. However i think extending it would also work in this case. The writer goes into so much detail about the alienation alshley feels towards her family, that one really wants to know how they will react to her situation. So maybe the writer could keep those things in mind if she decides to keep working on it. But overall I really enjoyed!

heidi's response to Adam's story

“Photogratastrophe”
The opening paragraph has good description and brings the reader into the story. It’s a cute story and the humor makes it engaging. The ending with the grandmother is a nice finish. The exposition takes over, though, and the story loses some of the reader’s interest because it focuses on telling rather than showing. Listing descriptions of the characters’ appearance in the second paragraph of the story is particularly detrimental to getting the reader involved, as there doesn’t really seem to be a point to them. Descriptions and dialogue need to be incorporated into the story while moving the plot along.

heidi's response to Kadie's story

“The Churchies”
The premise of this story seems unique and the idea of these girls being called ‘Churchies’ is interesting. The story itself has potential, but it needs to be fleshed out tremendously. The main issue is that it’s all exposition--all telling and no showing. It loses my attention after the second paragraph because it doesn’t seem to be going anywhere. There is no way to distinguish any of the characters and no significant conflict develops. Much more description, character development, and conflict need to be added.

heidi's response to Kathleen's story

“Self-Portrait”
The story itself is appealing, and it brings in the reader, making him want to learn what’s going to happen. The dialogue and descriptions seem realistic and contribute to the development and appeal of the character. The occasional bits of humor help keep the reader interested and help create sympathy for the main character, too. The strongest element of the story is towards the end when Brian is painting the tree, i.e. himself. The symbolism is meaningful and cleverly explained, and the final line is an effective finish to the story.It seems that maybe too much time is spent at the beginning of the story, whereas it’d be better off spent towards the end with more elaboration on Brian’s artistic epiphany.

heidi's response to Becca's poems

“Reflections”
This poem describes a beautiful sunset over the water.
You have a lot of good images (‘on a liquid stage,’ ‘chaotic beauty, for example) that make this a nice poem. The personification is particularly well done. The fact that the poem generally has two to three words on each line also works well with the idea of a sunset, as it gives the reader a sense of downward movement, like the sun setting.
What might make the poem even better is to be more specific about what you want the reader to see. Give specific colors, for example. Also, maybe make it more of a story by giving the colors/lights emotions and show them interacting with each other and/or their mother, the sun. Because it’s rather vague, it doesn’t bring in the reader as much as it could.

“Revolutions”
The poem seems to be relating the speaker’s feelings for being in a big city.
The title has a pleasant ambiguity, and the first three lines create a nice paradox, creating a setting of confusion right from the start. Then, words like ‘running,’ ‘whirring,’ ‘spinning,’ and ‘rotating’ give the reader a feeling of going around in a circle, or revolving. Other words also evoke specific images they speak of, such as ‘Flashing/ Neon/ Lights.’ There is a definite feeling of being lost, and this seems to be consistent throughout the poem.
It’s not clear, however, how the last three lines of the poem fit in with the rest. The image is interesting, but it’s not clear how this is a result of all that was written beforehand. Perhaps form more of a bridge between the majority of the poem and the last three lines.

heidi's response to Josh's story

“Don’t Call It a Comeback” Right off the back, the author gets the reader involved in the story and wanting to know what is going to happen. The dialogue helps develop the story, as well as the characters, and seems believable. The use of dialect is good; but, in a way, it also feels a bit cliché. Nevertheless, the story moves along and, even though it is rather predictable, it still keeps the reader reading. The ending would be more effective if it were more developed. The way it is now has a sense of being hurried, so further details about Danny dying and Natasha finding the diamond would make it more interesting.

heidi's response to Liz's story

“Josie”
The author does a good job of creating tension at the beginning of the story and setting the reader up for something bad to happen because the story starts off in such an idealistic setting. It almost felt like watching a movie where one is just waiting for the tragedy to happen. The descriptions and dialogue seem realistic and set a believable tone to the story. The line “face was so scrunched that it resembled that of a bull dog” was particularly good at giving a visual. Dialogue and description generally worked to move the story along and seemed to have purpose. The one aspect that was lacking was a satisfying conclusion. It seemed like there needed to be more revelation of the impact the child’s death had on the parents, particularly Kyle.

heidi's response to Lena's poems

Bad Dream”
...describes a girl watching her first love die of cancer and her reaction to his eventual death. There is some good use of descriptive language, such as “Flooding away part of me” and the general description of the dead body. The best line was “His faith helped him travel on in bittersweet surrender of(to?) the end.” Some of the images created are strong and impact the reader in a powerful way; other images, however, are unclear and rather confusing, as it is not clear what the intent is, such as “Tears keep falling like streams with outstretched roots.” Also, there are spots where there is no transition and it is not clear how or why one line follows the next. One other aspect that could use some work is in continuity. Sometimes a blunt, literal description of the boy’s condition is inserted and it seems out of place because most of the description is figurative.


“Intoxication by Nature”...explains the pleasure and joy the speaker gets from connecting with and being part of Nature. The title itself is quite evocative and does a good job of capturing the intent of the poem. There is a very sensual feel to many of the descriptions, which helps in the creation of more vivid images. Lines such as “I’m lost and don’t want to find my way back” and “I fantasize the intricate landscapes of your body” emphasize the importance of Nature to the speaker and show her desire to mesh with Nature and become part of it. A suggestion for this poem is to make sure that the images and intent of the images is clear—don’t simply put together words that sound good if they don’t completely make sense. In general, make sure that how you intend a line is also the way it comes across to the reader.

heidi's response to Seth's story

"Southern Upbringing”
The introduction is nicely done and creates a realistic setting, even to the point of providing clever details. The story definitely captures the reader’s interest with some rather bizarre depictions of characters. It also does a nice job of showing rather than telling, making it a lot more appealing and able to hold the reader’s attention. The most notable example of this is when he communicates the mother’s (Harriet) drinking problem by showing the different types of drinks she has and when. One area that I’m unsure about is exactly what time period this is supposed to be set in, as the reference to Cher songs threw me off. Also, the humor is great, but sometimes it feels like it takes away from the story instead of adding to it; and I don’t feel like the story really came to a satisfying close.

heidi's response to Scott's story

“The Misfits” The short story has a realistic use of dialogue, and one could hear the characters actually speaking. Also, the dialogue helps the story progress and moves the action forward rather than just being a pointless exchange of words. The description of the setting is consistent and is subtly worked in. Using present tense for this story may not be the best, and it was sort of jarring when I first began reading. Whatever tense you choose, though, make sure it remains the same throughout. The main difficulty with the story is that it’s not clear what exactly the story is, nor are the characters really distinct from one another.

heidi's response to Takira's poems

“My Serenity” is about the author’s romantic longing for someone who doesn’t seem to have any romantic feelings for her. In an attempt to bring in the reader, the poem begins with questions, and this can be a good way of bringing the reader into the writer’s world. There is some evocative imagery that has a pleasant and positive effect on the reader’s senses and contributes to the understanding of the author’s strong feelings for the person she’s writing about. The word ‘serenity’ has a strong presence in and of itself, and it would benefit the poem were that word to be worked in more frequently. Both the sound of the word and the simple repetition of it would reinforce the overall intent of the poem. The poem does seem to wander and lose itself in musings that don’t always contribute to a particular point. Also, the questions, though a good idea, are rather cliché, which doesn’t contribute to inviting the reader in as much as they could. Questions that might be more effective would be ones that provoke the reader and make him think. The reader would be enticed to continue reading if his curiosity is piqued.

“Bleeding Heart” is the author’s insight into much of the suffering that goes on in this world that many people may not be aware of. There are some powerful images and thought-provoking situations mentioned. The last stanza is a clean finish and ties up the poem nicely. The first five stanzas tend to be repetitive, however, which takes away from the strength of some of the images presented and causes it to become somewhat predictable. Using fewer examples, choosing only the most impactful, would probably increase the effectiveness of the poem’s point. Be careful of some of the rhymes as well, as they sometimes seem forced.

Liz Wenrich's Response to Saira's Resurrection

Response to Saira’s “Resurrection”
This story was about a single mother who finds out she has cancer. All she wants is for her son to be in good hands after she is gone. She decides to go to the family who hurt her so badly to try and find a home for her son, Adam.
I thought this story was interesting. It gave good insight into the life of not only a person with cancer and dealing with knowing you will die, but also going through that with no one to really turn to in that time of need. I thought it was good that you gave information about her dad beating her and those descriptions were really good with the whishing of the belt and what not. It helps the reader understand and put themselves in her shoes to understand how it was so hard for her to ask them for help. I think maybe the piece could use more sentence variation? And also I really want to know what actually happens in the meeting.

Liz Wenrich's Response to Lena's Poems

Response to Lena’s “Bad Dream”
I thought this poem drew a lot of emotion. I liked how you described the effects of the chemo—especially the line that says “Too tired from the chemo, Too weak to open his 16th birthday presents.” It really shows the helplessness a child with cancer goes through. However, I thought throughout the story you kind of veered away from the bad dream theme? Maybe mention it towards the end or keep a reoccurring theme. I thought this was a great poem though!

Response to Lena’s “Intoxication by Nature”
I liked your approach on this poem and, once again, I liked your descriptions. I liked the line “I’m lost and I don’t want to find my way back.” The reader really gets the sense of being in nature and I can put myself in the narrator’s position. One thing that confused me was the “I will cry for no reason” and “I will laugh for no reason” lines. I just thought they were random and I don’t see where they really connect with the rest of the poem. Overall, I thought it was a good poem.

Patrick's response to Lena's poems

Lena,
I really enjoyed reading the poems you submitted. I found both of them very emotionally driven and honest. I like how intoxication by nature rises and falls. And your word usage provides wonderful imagery for the reader. The word usage in "Bad Dream was also chosen wonderfully. I really liked the line about the willow tree and the vines. It was a very powerful line. I believe your poems possess a distinct human quality and i think that's great. Keep up the goo writing. I look forward to reading your next submission.

Critique: "Bad Dream" and "Intoxication by Nature" by Lena Redding

"Bad Dream"
This is an interesting poem; there is a nice flow of words and lines throughout. The author does a nice job of exposing the boy's illness without losing the poetic feel. I don't particularly agree/understand when the narrator gets into the coffin; in a whole, I don't think those lines fit with the realism of the beginning.

"Intoxication by Nature"
I like the way you describe nature/ mother earth. I especially enjoy the lines, "You embellish the bottom floors with a collage of flowers, mosses, ferns, and bushes. You adorn me the gift of sight to enjoy your beauty." However, I get lost toward the end of the poem, I pick up the sense that nature strikes back; "Your bright violent colors strike me to the point of no return... ...While weeping trees lash out on my face."

I liked the author's work overall, except I think the endings could be done differently.

Review/ Critique: "Resurrection" by Saira Malik

Review
"Resurrection" takes place during the last months of a woman. She has a large tumor in her brain that is past repair and medical attention. The woman's dilemma is finding a suitable home for her son. She has the choice of a foster home or leaving her child with a family member. Ashley/Karla has severe family ties, so she intends to have a family meeting to justify those ties, and resurrect her past.

Critique
Reading this reminded me of the story "Josie" due to its family theme and tragedy. I particularly enjoyed the cliffhanger aspect of the story which lead me to want more information on what happens next. I also liked how the author placed in a specific though general location, Baltimore County, giving me a general sense of the area. Furthermore, there was a good description of character background for both Ashley and her father. One thing that stuck out to me was that I don't know the relation of Miles and the rest of the family, I'm not sure I got the full picture of who he is. Another thing is I was confused at one point of Ashley's location. "At the library she finally allowed herself to open the big thick yellow folder." Shortly after the author writes, "She gathered up her documents and left the bank."

Seth's Response to Becca's Poem "Reflections"

Filled with beautiftul metaphors that vividly describe a sunset, "Reflections" has superb imagery.
Although it is free verse poetry there is still a need for punctuation. Properly placed commas and periods will not only add emphasis on certain words but it will also make for a more pleasurable reading/listening experience. If a reader recognizes the punctuation and speaks accordingly the lyrical sound of the poem is improved.

Review/ Critique: "Josie" by Liz Wenrich

Review
"Josie" opens in the morning where a family prepares for the day. The family eats breakfast, then breaks for the day, the father heading to work, and the mother and children heading to the Smithson's. The mother finds her husband has left his roster at home and decides to make a pit stop at the fathers work and drop off the clipboard. While en route to the school, the mother makes a phone call to the husband, during which the mother and children are struck by another car. The husband hears everything and rushes to the scene only to find out Josie has died.

Critique
This was an intense story of loss. One of my favorite yet ultimately the more serious excerpt from the story is when Jayme is on the phone with Kyle. I feel the writer did a good job on creating a real time tension, with the way Jayme is cut off by the accident. The sentences following, "Probably about like-" are where I feel most of the tension occurs with the description of the car accident. One incident that confused me in the story was when Jayme was getting ready to take her children to the park. After stating the family was going to the park, the authors writes how the Smithson's live on a lake, so Jayme was to pack bread to feed the geese. After reading that part, I was unsure where the family was going. However, the author did clarify the Smithson's lived by the park later in the story.

Lena's review for "Josie" by Liz Wenrich

“The squealing of the brakes was piercing, followed by the clanging of metal on metal. High pitched screams overpowered the sound of breaking glass and more bangs of collision. The screams were sharp and filled with terror.” This was a good description of the chaotic motion of the car accident. “The van hadn’t stopped spinning and Josie’s car-seat caught on underneath the front bumper of the car. She was shrieking in pain, being drug around with the front of the minivan.” This was good visual of the child car seat with Josie stuck under the car in front. You could specify more on the details of Josie’s death from the car accident.

Lena's review for "Reflection" and "Revolutions" by Becca Hutcheson

Reflections poem was about the sun interacting with the water surface. “Vibrant colors Softly dancing on a liquid stage and as they sway“I love the visual of the reflection of objects and the sun on the water. “Prancing about to no rhythm and in no orderly fashion it’s a chaotic beauty“I Like the visual explanations of the force and movement of the water tides and current as a dance. Could continue the slowing down of the rhythm of the water becoming quiet or still like a mirror with occasional animal or plant interaction across the water surface. The poem Revolutions was about the motion of a busy chaotic city. “Glass spinning doors Are swallowing people whole” I like the spinning doors continuing the theme of chaotic motion and personified as a monster or creature swallowing up the people. “Where have all the stars gone? The sky ate them up. Even the moonlight is fading now” I like this because it reminds me of a native American myth that when peoples of a tribe leave nature and become separate from nature they will lose the gift of sight and half of their selves of knowledge and insight. You could continue the revolutions with more motions from different city objects.

Lena's review for "The churchies" by Katie Kluttz

“The girls had tried their hardest in school, at work, at volunteer activities and in life to do their best for themselves and everyone around them yet they had nothing to show for it. “ I like this line because it describes their realization of giving their all and not receiving anything to show for. “There were some smiles and frowns about how the town would react to such an act by the most innocent girls in the entire community. They hoped that their parents were going to be alright and wished the best for everyone.” This line showed the different mixed emotions about the crime they committed. You could explain the names and different aspects of the four girls when they were at the slumber party.

Lena's review for "Photogratastrophe" by Adam Kite

“What we weren’t expecting to see was my cousin JD with the biggest, stupidest smile I’ve ever seen and his finger shoved into Greg’s ear down to the first knuckle.” I like this visual of the family being silly and not being serious when pictures are being taking. “We were all seated in the living room each with our own pile of Christmas presents and wrapping paper slung across the floor.” I like this description of a typical family Christmas with presents and wrapping paper in each area of the kids on the floor. You could describe more about the main character’s hobbies to explain why he had been through a hundred photo shoots.

Lena’s review for "Self Portrait" by Kathleen Deady

“Brian didn’t mind—he loved cloudy days. They gave him hope that it might rain, which put him in an especially good mood, as those days often brought inspiration.” I like this because it connects water drops with inspiration with painting. “Under a pile of old sketches, he found the blank canvas, and dropped the box, then promised the nagging voice inside his head that he would tidy up later.” I liked this line because it describes his immediate urge to get everything ready to paint the tree. You could explain more about Brian’s behavior previous before getting fired on the phone to explain his mood changing from depression to joking. You could explain what happens after he finishes the painting of the tree.

Lena’s review for " Serenity" and "Bleeding Heart" by Tekira Stokes

Serenity is about a person who loves this person but feels invisible by this person’s unawareness of her love for him. The strength and challenges of love are beautifully described and reflect her wishes of his love. I love the visual of loving a person. “Obstacles convince us that hearts are a mistake” I like the truth of the material mundane interfering and stressing love with two people. In this line “Like ecstasy your existence makes me crave a continuous ride” I like the expression of the roller coaster riding sensation when a person you love is in the same area and cannot get enough of the sensation. You can include the desired outcome to relate to the description of love. Bleeding heart is about a secluded thought or belief that a certain race is alone in the struggle of racism, poverty, political struggle, war, crime, drugs, rape, dysfunctional families, and negative behavior. All people of different races express being alone in struggles, this poem is great in expressing the isolated feelings of being persecuted and targeted of negative repercussions from within community of people. She expresses empathy for her people and the community. You can connect other worlds of people with the similar struggle to resemble all people suffer in an unjust world.

Lena’s review for “The blame game” by Valerie Kessler

I like the news being the first introduction of the story. The description of the characters’’ voices in dialogue is really good in setting the emotional tone of the characters talking to each other. She didn’t pay attention to what she put on; appearance was not her main concern. “She grabbed her car keys off the peg board, and jutted for her minivan, almost forgetting to shut the front door behind her.” I Like Alice’s urgency overruling her normal responsibilities. I also like the ending that the whole time it was Sonya. You could include what type of trouble Elle gotten into to lead up to the murder of her parents. Maybe write a little more about the outcome from the ending.

Lena’s review for “Misfits" by Scott Amrhein

Good dialogue usage between the characters. I love the usage of fall with the theme of the story. “On a brisk fall evening, rays of sunlight can be seen reaching through the trees, reminiscent of prison bars.” I like the imagery and reference to the story. I like the relation of the cat Paw startling Ziggy with Cooper the two ready to pounce out and rob Randolph and Billy. Describe a brief summary of the party that Randolph and Billy came from and what type of girl was there at the party that wasn’t Billy’s type. Describe the reputations and behaviors of Buzz, Cooper, and Ziggy.

Lena’s review for “Southern Upbringing” by Seth Albee

I like the descriptions of the plantation house and very detailed of the residents’ habits and living. The description of Charles’s mother Harriet reminds me of the roaring 20’s with flapper girls drinking heavily. I like the brief moments of memories of the family to the end of Charles’s parents life. I like the interaction of the Bellvie family with the servants, neighbors, environment, the reverend and his wife. Describe a scene of Charles Sr.’s Death to parallel with the description of Harriet’s death. Include male lovers or lover characters for Charles Sr. to interact with the family as friends but private lovers.

Claudia's response to Takiras poem, Bleeding Heart

Response:
This is such a powerful poem! It seems to flow from your heart and I can tell you feel deeply about the struggle of African-Americans in our society. You put words to a concept many of us only see from the outside looking in. This is not a “pretty” poem, nor do I think it was meant to be. You point out the realities of life for a people that extend from generation to generation. Hopefully this can change in our lifetime. I would love to share this with the troubled teens I work with. I think they could relate and it would open up a positive dialogue. Thanks for sharing, it is wonderful. Claudia Blaize

Claudia's response to Takiras poem,My Serenity

Response:
This is a beautiful poem with wonderfully descriptive imagery that speaks of unrequited love, or that which cannot be obtained. At times I feel that you are talking about divine love, and at other times the love of a mother for her child. Yet you really make the reader feel the pain of not having those same, intense feelings of love returned. There is a sadness, a melancholy, a resignation and sense of settling for any kind of relationship just to be close to this person. You do leave the door open at the end as you hope this person will feel the same as you and you will wait patiently. I really enjoyed reading both of your poems. You have a natural talent.
Claudia Blaize

claudia's critique of Scott's story

Brief Summary of the story:
Scott tells the story of 3 boys who smoke pot and drink alcohol as it seems they have a lot of spare time to be creative this way. They obviously don’t fit in with anyone else but themselves. They are misfits. Buzz has a younger brother, Randolph, who is more innocent, attending his first boy-girl party, but has the potential to become a misfit like his brother. They all seem to be heading for a life of crime.
Responses:
Interesting plot line and description of punks, with the insertion of Randolph and Billy to shed light on what it was like to be young and innocent. Nice use of metaphors and phrasing.(See above comments).
Would like to know more about the brothers relationship and what happened to Buzz at the end of the story.
Thanks,
Claudia Blaize

claudia

Brief Summary of the story:
Valerie writes of identical twin sisters who are caught up in the murder of their parents. One of them, Elle, for all intents and purposes is the perpetrator. The ending has the ubiquitous plot twist of mistaken identity when the innocent twin takes the rap for the guilty one.

Responses:
I enjoyed the build up with all of the detailed description as to how Sonya and the aunt were feeling. Valerie really conveyed the sadness the aunt felt and how kind and caring both she and the uncle were. (See above comments in text)
I think the story could be condensed in revision, (easy for me to say as I have yet to start my story), but maybe leave out the little boys since they don’t seem to advance the plot line.
Overall, I enjoyed Valerie’s story.
Thanks,
Claudia Blaize

Claudia's critique of Seth's story

Brief Summary of Seth’s Story:
Seth weaves a tale of a terribly dysfunctional family struggling with social issues in the Deep South where tolerance of these issues is limited. It is the story of a boy raised by a father who is suppressing his homosexuality , and a mother who is an alcoholic and promiscuous as a result of a loveless marriage. It is a somewhat irreverent, tongue-in-cheek, account of the stereotypes within these characterizations,and how they can become the fatal flaws that lead to the demise of the mother as well as the family unit.
Comments:
Enjoyed reading your story, the setting and phrasing you used, especially the exclamations by the reverend. It was thought provoking and had a lot going on. Liked the quirkiness of the characters and description in the beginning of Charles Sr. Please reference comments in the text.
Would like to know more about when (era, year, time) the story took place. Why did Charles Sr. need to keep his homosexuality”hushed” and was Charles Jr. of an age where he could understand the concept of homosexuality? Sometimes got a little lost as to which “Charles” was being referenced. Maybe just add the Jr. or Sr. to clear that up.
Overall, an enjoyable read.
Thanks,
Claudia Blaize

Carr's Review of Kathleen's story 9/22

To: Kathleen
From: Carr
Re: “Self Portrait”
Kathleen,
There are a number of things working here in your story of a young painter and his journey to find his place in the world, “Self Portrait.” For one thing, the story has a definite sense of movement. Brian starts the story not having finished anything. At the end, he has finished this important (to him) piece. Good. You’ve also got some details here that show you have imagined his life to a certain degree. My favorite is the description of one of his paintings: “half a man walking half a dog through three quarters of a city.” That’s good.
All right. So here are some things to think about for revision. First, the main piece that is missing right now, I think is the answer to the question, “What does Brian want?” In getting there, I think it will be important to reveal Brian’s artistic background and direction. Is he self taught? What kind of work does he do? What are his goals for his art? What does he think about his art? What does it mean to him, how does it make him who he is?
Second, I think you would do well to have Brian interact with people more. When he is talking to his boss, a side of him emerges that we hadn’t seen before – a humorous streak. I’d like to get to know him better, and a good way to do that might be to have him deal with people.
OK. So think about those couple of things and I think you will be on your way to really discovering who this character is and why he is important to you. Good luck and see me with questions.

Carr's Review of Seth's story 9/15

To: Seth
From: Carr
Re: “Southern Upbringing: A Minor Tragedy”
Seth,
I suppose what you’ve got here could be called a parody of a southern story: you’ve got some quirky characters with quirky habits, a setting in the Deep South, and a death in the family to spark a realization. Those are good starting points, for sure.
All right. So think about a few things for revision. First, I think you would do well here to decide what it is you want to say with this story. It looks like a parody, but exactly what you are parodying is unclear. What is it about the Southern tale that you want to poke fun at? Try to decide that, and then you can really home in on those details that would send up one of those types of stories.
Second, I think you need to figure out what you want to say about Charles, Jr. He looks like the central character in many respects, and yet this version of the story doesn’t seem to be about him. He serves mainly as a way to talk about his family. So what makes him somebody we should want to read about?
Finally, take a look at the details here. Writing parody requires walking a fine line. On one hand, you have to go over the top with the details. On the other, you can’t go too far or the joke collapses. For example, Charles, Sr’s shrubbery is funny. But the idea that he was somehow the source of a stereotype about gay men and Cher is too much – it doesn’t have any basis in the facts of the story and indicates to the reader that you are trying too hard to be funny. The key to good parody is to not seem like you are trying to be funny at all.
OK. Keep going with this. It’s hard to be funny, but well worth it if you can pull it off. Let me know if you have questions.

Carr's Review of Adam's story 9/22

To: Adam Kite
From: Carr
Re: “Photogratastrophe”
Adam,
Your story, “Photogratastrophe”, reminds me of a kind of Christmas tale. It is sentimental, and the tone you take with the narrator of the second part is appropriate. He treats us as insiders, as people who will understand and enjoy this light fare. That can work. And the anecdote here is sweet, very much holiday fare.
OK. That said, there are some things to work on. First, I think you would do well to more firmly establish a main character here. You’ve got the narrator, sure, but we don’t know anything about him. He serves only to explain what people look like and how tall they are. We don’t know anything about what he wants – or what the family wants. Why does everyone like to cut up so much? Is it a reaction against something? What does the narrator want? Why does he give the grandmother the photo? What is his motivation and how is this the culmination of his efforts?
Second, in terms of style, the story right now is dragging in parts because you tend to spend too much time explaining things. So try to spend more time showing. What that means is that you need t get the story going and sprinkle in the details along the way. So instead of describing each cousin as if they were waiting for a police lineup, let them interact with the narrator or do things that draws attention to them. Then pause in those places to fill us in. Does that make sense?
All right. Finally, you have an issue with the comma splice. This is a form of the run-on sentence, and you should familiarize yourself with it and start to read your work out loud before you submit it. That might help.
Good luck with this one. Let me know if you have questions.

Carr's Review of Becca's Poems 9/22

To: Becca
From: Carr
Re: “Reflections” and “Revolutions”
Becca,
On first read, your two poems “Reflections” and “Revolutions” seem not to go together. “Reflections” is a straight up nature poem, musing on the light dancing on the water at sunset. “Revolutions” is a city poem, all sense of the natural world is lost – even the stars have been swallowed up by the sky (a very good line). However, I think both poems connect, both thematically and visually. The dominant image in both poems for me is the dancing light. In “Reflections” is obvious, but in “Revolutions” it is there in the neon lights and the swirling door. I like that. I also think that you are addressing similar themes in the two poems – the impermanence of beauty being one. I like that, too.
OK. So I have a couple of things to think about. First, I think one issue in both poems is the lack of context for the imagery. The dancing colors on the water in “Reflections” are abstract things until the introduction of the sun. I think that’s too long. I’d suggest setting us in a scene before you start describing the colors. Look at the poetry of Mary Oliver for examples of that.
I have a similar issue with “Revolutions” – but not exactly the same. In that poem I think the opening is too general and even dreamlike. Running in a city through a crowd? Sounds more like a movie to me than something that actually happens. When you get to the part about the revolving door, however, I am intrigued. I think it would be very cool to write a poem about walking through and/or around a revolving door. You could describe all sorts of things that you see and how the perspective changes. The possibilities for metaphor are large. So think about that.
Finally, I think you would do well in both poems – and probably you poetry in general – to let your lines lengthen a little. You like to use one or two words in a lot of lines, and I don’t think it’s serving your purpose more than it is hindering it. So work on that.
All right. You’ve got a lot of good material to work with. Good luck and see me with questions.

Carr's Review of Scott's story 9/15

To: Scott
From: Carr
Re: “The Misfits”
Scott,
You’ve got a story here of the petty criminals Cooper and Ziggy as they steal some money from one of their friend’s brothers. Along the way, you try to give us a glimpse of both the two thugs and the two younger boys that they rob. You use a lot of dialogue in an attempt to give us a feel for the characters, which is good. You also set the scene in the park, perhaps your best scene.
OK. So there are some things to think about in revision. First, I think you would do well to think about the character you are most interested in. Right now the story doesn’t focus on anyone in particular, with the effect that we don’t really know any of them. Who are you most interested in here? And why are you telling the story of this night? Is this the first time Cooper and Ziggy have mugged someone? If so, why did they do it on this night? Short stories generally look at events that are out of the ordinary in the life of the main character, and I think you would do well to follow that pattern.
In addition, there are some specific style issues to think about. First, I think you should look at the language you use to describe the ‘misfits.’ In the first two paragraphs you use judgmental language like shady and hooligans to describe these guys. Why? Using that kind of language is going to prejudice your reader. Instead you might try showing us the characters. They don’t have to be good boys, but you should let us make the call on what kind of people they are. You might also want to look at the dialogue. There are some spots where the words you use don’t seem appropriate for the kids here (irked, turd, coy come to mind).
All right. Good luck with this. It might be a fun story if you gives us some characters and ramp up the action a bit. Let me know if you have questions.

Carr's Review of Valerie's story 9/15

To: Valerie
From: Carr
Re: “The Blame Game”

Valerie,
In the “Blame Game” (I’m assuming that’s the title), you’ve got a murder story with a little twist at the end. On the day the story starts Alice Manning learns that her sister and brother in law have been murdered, apparently by one of her nieces. She deals with the other niece, Sonya, but in the end the reader learns that Sonya is the real killer. All right. That can work. And some of the scenes here are tight. The two working best now are the one at the beginning when Alice turns off the TV, and the one where Alice cries on the couch. In those scenes we are really with lice as she deals with this tragedy. We feel her emotions. That’s good.
OK. The story is told from Alice’s point of view, so we can assume that she is the main character. However, my question is, how does Alice change or learn or grow from this experience? If she doesn’t, then what is the story about? Is it simply about the trick?
But if it is really about Alice, then I think you need to look at who Alice is and what she wants. Then try to discover how this day puts an extra challenge into her goals. We need to know Alice better as a person and not just a vehicle for moving the plot.
In addition, there are some mechanical issues that need to be addressed. The first is maintaining a consistent POV throughout the story. You are in Alice’s POV for most of the story, but there are two lapses: one where we get into the sheriff’s head, and one where we enter Sonya’s head. That doesn’t work. Keep it all in Alice’s head. In addition, learn how to format dialogue. Each new speaker gets her own paragraph, and dialogue is set apart with commas. Like this
“Come over here,” Alice said to Sonya. She leaned against the door frame for a second, seeing the Sonya she knew from ten years ago, when the girls were just…
“Hey Aunt Alice,” Sonya said. “I’m hungry now.”
OK. So keep working on this one. It has some potential if you can develop the main character. See me with questions.

Carr's Review of Takira's Poems 9/15

To: Takira
From: Carr
Re: “My Serenity” and “”Bleeding Heart”
Takira,
Your two poems here, “My Serenity” and “”Bleeding Heart,” are an interesting mix. The first is clearly a love poem, while the second is a straight up political poem, a call to action as it were. Good.
OK. “My Serenity” is what I would call an unrequited love poem. The object of the author’s desire is a person who doesn’t share the same feelings. This can be a powerful state, and you allude to that power by choosing words like “addicted” and “rehab.” That’s good. I’d like to see you use that metaphor (or another one like it) throughout the poem – to extend the metaphor. Perhaps you could show how one person becomes addicted to the other, by describing the process that has taken place. Along the way try to use some real details and examples. That might work well. Show the addiction in all its craziness. That might be a nice juxtaposition to the title.
The other poem, “Bleeding Heart,” plays on the idea of the bleeding heart liberal, but in this case the liberal seems a little angry, too. That’s good. The emotion runs hot here, and it really comes out in lines like, “Who has to be walked over because she is told she will never have what it takes.” Good. Here, though, I’d like to see a little more specificity in the conditions you are deploring. To see examples of this, read or listen to Gil Scott Heron. He is the master of using poetry to call attention to injustice.
All right. Good luck with these. Let me know if you have questions.

Valerie Kesslers Review of: Reflections and Revolutions

I really love the poem 'Reflections' it has strong, vibrant, imagry and a sense of peace and beauty while potraying a sense of power and movement. Overall the poem is very well structured.

I personally, would only make a few small changes in wording (taking out 'and' from line three, stanza two and removing 'it's' from line four, stanza two). However, I think that the last stanza could be expanded to include more imagry to fit the rest of the poem.

It may seem odd, but the flow of this poem makes me think of silk.



The poem 'Revolutions' has a lot of powerful imagry, it makes me feel trapped in a loud, noisy, confining city. The only thing that I might change about the poem was the wording of the last stanza. Is it differnt on purpose or not? If there is no reason for the wording to be different, it could be easily adjusted to fit the flow of the poem.

Example:
The stars
where have they gone?
The sky
ate them up
Even the moonlight
is fading now

The story of the churchies is about a group of girls who live in a small town and spend their days doing good in the community, participating in activities at church, schoool, work, and elsewhere. Eventually they get frustrated because they have not recieved any reward for their efforts, and they decide to rob the local bank and take money to start a new life in Costa Rica.

I think the story has an interesting premisis, seventeen years old who have worked to be 'good' all their lives deciding to commit a felony and rob a bank. The story does a good job of setting up the girls as a group and a unity, and they even keep their 'good girl' identity of 'The Churchies' while they are robbing the bank and fleeing the country.

One thing that bothers me about the story is the lack of characters. I don't know how many girls are in this group untill later in the story, and I don't have anything at all to set these girls as individuals. I think for this story to work it's important to give the girls a sense of some identity, even if the sense of group is stronger. I think some dialouge between the girls, perhaps while they are making their plans would give a good sense of how they think.I also can't imagine none of them being in distress on the plane ride, since thats probably when the reality of what they did would set it.

This story has a really good premise, and an interesting concept, but more character development is needed to really bring it to life.

Valerie Kesslers Review for: Photogratasophe

Photogratasophe is the story of a family of thirteen, who goes to get a family portrait of the 'kids' to make a cloth/blanket portrait to give as a gift to the grandmother for Christmas. The 'kids', varying in ages from toddler to early tweenties, cause a ruckus disrupting the photo and annoying their other family members but resulting in a memorable 'true' picture for grandmom.


What I like about the story is the antics between the cousins. They really show a connection between them as a group.I think that dialouge could be used to strengthen the story as a whole. Perhaps while they are waiting for the photographer, or during the goofing around with the picture. I also would like to know a little more about the narrator. I enjoyed listening to his discriptions of his family members and their actions, I really got a laugh out of those, however, the only thing that I definatively know about the narrator is his height and that they have a sister.


Overall I think there is a lot of good stuff in this story, but it could really use a lot of dialouge to give it more depth.

Valerie Kesslers Review of: Self Portrait

Self Portrait is a story about Brian Duncan computer technitician/artist living in a city apartment who seems to have a gloomy outlook on life and finds himself unable to finish a painting, untill he finds inspiration after loosing his job.


One thing that I really enjoyed about this story is the 'artist' dialouge. I thought that 'only an artist' would say things like 'Burnt Umber', most people would have used a phrase like 'an ugly shade of brown'. Brian also muses about how he cant afford 'real art', implying he doesn't think of his art as real art. In my experiences, I've found a lot of artist have a negative view on their art (either as a means of self-pity. low self-esteme, or in order to push themselves into doing better). I would like to see a little more of this throughout the story, perhaps in the description of the tree (he really likes it, get artistic on the description) or when he is gathering supplies for his materpiece (give me names of brushes he pulls out, I get a list of colors). Even in small places like the bit about the sofa (it could be a drab charcoal, not just black).

Overall I found the story to be rather entertaining, and there is a lot of good solid wording throughout. I think with a little more elaboration, and character interaction could make this a really solid piece.

Valerie Kesslers Review of: Bleeding Heart and My Serenity

What I like about Bleeding heart is the fact that most of the things in the poem seem universal but they reach out and make it seem like the poem is about people right next door. I can see people from different places identifying with many of them. I really identified with the last two lines in the first stanza, since they make me think of someone very dear to me. I also like the fact that the last line of each stanza really tie together each section, and the final stanza brings the piece together as whole. The only thing I think that could be improved was the fifth line the third stanza, talking about coming out of the hood and the seventh line of the fifth stanza those references BET. To me the rest of the poem has a very open feel, not referencing any specific group of people and giving a universal sympathy, but those two lines seem to point to more specific groups of people, and interrupt the flow. (Instead of the hood, maybe something like ‘out of poverty’ and instead of BET, maybe reference celebrities or the media in general).

*After discussion in class, I think there was a good point that being specific may be a better way to go. But regardless of being specific or generally, the poem should consistantly stay one way or the other*

I found ‘My Serenity’ very interesting. I love the use of strong ‘other worldly’ imagery that starts in line fifteen with the mention of God. The poem has a fantastic flow and seems to naturally evolve to that elevated state with continuous references of things such as ‘heaven’ ‘flight’, and ‘halo’. I found the literary comparison in the beginning amusing (talking about similes, periods, and semi colons), but I think that they should be continued throughout the poem or eliminated. Perhaps replacing them with more earthly comparisons to enforce the flow of the poem may give the beginning (the first 10-15 lines) a more solid connection to the rest of the poem.

Valerie Kesslers Review of: The Misfits

The Misfits is about a group of troubled youth who seem to be going from one misdemeanor activity to another, some more enthusiastically then others.

One thing that really caught my eye was the first line, describing the light filtering through ‘reminiscent of prison bars’. It really ties into the ending line as the boys throw not just rocks but ‘their lives on petty crime’. It really shows the somber future that these kids have if they continue this behavior. I also like how the story emphasizes the fact that these boys are still kids. Referencing going to their ‘first boy and girl party’ makes me think that they are in early adolescence. I like how the story continue reinforces their youth with things like Randolph’s ‘size eight tracks’ and Ziggy’s excitement over the ‘holographic super Mario wallet’. Even the way the boys speak shows that they are young, and immature. The excessive foul language, the continuous bickering, and the way they talk about Mr. Yuckers Great Dane being ‘disgusting’ keep reinforcing the fact that they are young.

I don’t think that the words ‘figuratively and literally’ are really needed in the last sentence; the comparisons made are very strong and stand on their own. Overall I think this is a good slice into a young, troubled society.

*After discussion in class, I relized that I was confused about the age of the kids because I was confused about the focus on the two different groups of children. The focus of the story should stick to one group(the older group of kids), and use dialouge and interaction with the second group(the younger group)*

Valerie Kesslers Review of: Southern Uprringing

Southern Upbringing is the story of Charles Bellvie Jr. who grows up on an old southern plantation with his secret homosexual father and his alcoholic mother. Charles lives in a family built on inherited wealth, and that’s apparent in his upbringing. Unfortunately, after Charles leaves home for school, his mother suffers a premature death and he journeys back home for her funeral.

I love the way Charles is described in the first sentence; it really sets the mood for the story, and is further reinforced by the rest of the paragraph. I like the way something so non elegant (dog poop) is made as refined as possible (hound/canine excrement). The scene where Charles’s playing with the toys really helps to nail Charles upbringing, both southern and wealthy.

The scene where Charles’ mother dies, really brings together her character, it brings her into a light other then just a ‘promiscuous alcoholic’ and made me realize that she probably acted that way out of feeling unloved.

The only things I think that really needed to improve was the transition between when we learn about Charles taking up smoking and when he leaves. It seems very abrupt. I also think that since the use of smell was used so much in the story, it could be added in a few more places to tie the whole thing together. For example, in the first paragraph describing the plantation, something using smell, perhaps even tobacco (the sweet smell of tobacco lingering in the warm southern air?) might strengthen the beginning even more.

Melda's Review of Katie Kluttz's story

I like that your story is very simple, and you describe "The Churchies" very well. Also the conflict of the story is clear when you state, "The feeling that they never really receive anything for their work they do for the community. That they weren't going to be able to go to their school of choice because of money…..no way to get what they wanted." On the other hand, you do not state whether or not the girls will attend the school of choice. You state that they run away to paradise but what about college? Not all of the conflicts are resolved if they don’t end up going to college.

Melda's Review of “PHOTOGRATASTROPHE” by Adam Kite

I like how you realistically described the employees at the Photo-Shop. You stated that the girl at reception desk was dying of boredom and that the other girl, “practically [oozed] that sort of fake bubbly happiness that gets forced on most employee’s these days.” Also, I like the ending of the story as the grandmother was not mad at the “real” picture. She liked to see her grandchildren in real action behaving like themselves. However, I did not like that the main character did not grow at all. He remained mischievous as always.

Melda

Melda's Review of “SELF PORTRAIT” BY KATHLEEN DEADY

I like how Brian grew through your story. He was a lazy character who never completed anything successfully in his whole life, but at the end, he gets fired which teaches him a life lesson and gets him moving. For the first time he actually completes the tree painting. Also, I like how you literally compared the tree to Brian and left us off knowing that the character grew and he would do something good with his life. However, I feel as if you got so carried away with descriptions in the first page of your story that it got the reader confused. Try to focus only on describing crucial things.

Melda's Review of “REVOLUTIONS” BY BECCA

This poem is about a person who is lost in a big city and is not used to the urban vibe.
I like all the descriptions of the city life. For example, you state, “cars whirling by skyscrapers…[and]….flashing neon lights.” Also, I like the last stanza because it illustrates that the city is filled with smog and the stars are not visible. You described this very sarcastically through saying, “the sky ate [the stars] up.” You could improve your poem by braking the middle stanza into 2 stanzas and describing the dangerous city even more.

Melda's Review of “REFLECTIONS” BY BECCA

This poem is about colors that reflect during night-time in a pool of water.
I like that you use certain scenes to describe a situation rather than blatantly coming out with it. For example, you say, “On a liquid stage,” to illustrate that the colors are dancing in a body of water. Also, I like how you described the sun-setting by stating, “And as she sinks into her bed wrapping herself in a pale pink blanket.” You give the sun a character and habits. On the other hand, you could have described these colors more vividly and gave them more life. You said that they were beautiful, however, describe this beauty.

"Photogratastrophe" Review/Critique

Review

Adam tells the story, possibly true (?), of a big family and their spent time at a photography store. The story develops by way of mischievous actions brought on by some of the younger family members. In the end, the photographer took a suitable and decent picture of the family. The epilogue shows the grandmother of the family receiving the picture printed on a quilt.

Critique

This story is comedic yet at the same time delivers the feel of family ties. I enjoyed the opening of the still and boring storefront becoming confronted with a large family. The following paragraphs reveal the extensive family’s descriptions, which works well in imagining the family’s actions. There’s a nice sense of suspense as the adults of the family, begin to grow more irritated after each photo blooper. I also feel that the epilogue works great with the story, following up on picture day. The story is a work in progress, some parts, such as the description were a little over drawn. I couldn’t see too many other real dilemmas besides structural/ grammatical mistakes. One thing to keep in mind is the way the narrator converses with the audience or reader; sometimes it works well if done correctly. I’d keep this story first person.