Carr's Review of Scott's story 9/15

To: Scott
From: Carr
Re: “The Misfits”
Scott,
You’ve got a story here of the petty criminals Cooper and Ziggy as they steal some money from one of their friend’s brothers. Along the way, you try to give us a glimpse of both the two thugs and the two younger boys that they rob. You use a lot of dialogue in an attempt to give us a feel for the characters, which is good. You also set the scene in the park, perhaps your best scene.
OK. So there are some things to think about in revision. First, I think you would do well to think about the character you are most interested in. Right now the story doesn’t focus on anyone in particular, with the effect that we don’t really know any of them. Who are you most interested in here? And why are you telling the story of this night? Is this the first time Cooper and Ziggy have mugged someone? If so, why did they do it on this night? Short stories generally look at events that are out of the ordinary in the life of the main character, and I think you would do well to follow that pattern.
In addition, there are some specific style issues to think about. First, I think you should look at the language you use to describe the ‘misfits.’ In the first two paragraphs you use judgmental language like shady and hooligans to describe these guys. Why? Using that kind of language is going to prejudice your reader. Instead you might try showing us the characters. They don’t have to be good boys, but you should let us make the call on what kind of people they are. You might also want to look at the dialogue. There are some spots where the words you use don’t seem appropriate for the kids here (irked, turd, coy come to mind).
All right. Good luck with this. It might be a fun story if you gives us some characters and ramp up the action a bit. Let me know if you have questions.