Carr's Review of Becca's Poems 9/22

To: Becca
From: Carr
Re: “Reflections” and “Revolutions”
Becca,
On first read, your two poems “Reflections” and “Revolutions” seem not to go together. “Reflections” is a straight up nature poem, musing on the light dancing on the water at sunset. “Revolutions” is a city poem, all sense of the natural world is lost – even the stars have been swallowed up by the sky (a very good line). However, I think both poems connect, both thematically and visually. The dominant image in both poems for me is the dancing light. In “Reflections” is obvious, but in “Revolutions” it is there in the neon lights and the swirling door. I like that. I also think that you are addressing similar themes in the two poems – the impermanence of beauty being one. I like that, too.
OK. So I have a couple of things to think about. First, I think one issue in both poems is the lack of context for the imagery. The dancing colors on the water in “Reflections” are abstract things until the introduction of the sun. I think that’s too long. I’d suggest setting us in a scene before you start describing the colors. Look at the poetry of Mary Oliver for examples of that.
I have a similar issue with “Revolutions” – but not exactly the same. In that poem I think the opening is too general and even dreamlike. Running in a city through a crowd? Sounds more like a movie to me than something that actually happens. When you get to the part about the revolving door, however, I am intrigued. I think it would be very cool to write a poem about walking through and/or around a revolving door. You could describe all sorts of things that you see and how the perspective changes. The possibilities for metaphor are large. So think about that.
Finally, I think you would do well in both poems – and probably you poetry in general – to let your lines lengthen a little. You like to use one or two words in a lot of lines, and I don’t think it’s serving your purpose more than it is hindering it. So work on that.
All right. You’ve got a lot of good material to work with. Good luck and see me with questions.