Carr's Review of Valerie's story 9/15

To: Valerie
From: Carr
Re: “The Blame Game”

Valerie,
In the “Blame Game” (I’m assuming that’s the title), you’ve got a murder story with a little twist at the end. On the day the story starts Alice Manning learns that her sister and brother in law have been murdered, apparently by one of her nieces. She deals with the other niece, Sonya, but in the end the reader learns that Sonya is the real killer. All right. That can work. And some of the scenes here are tight. The two working best now are the one at the beginning when Alice turns off the TV, and the one where Alice cries on the couch. In those scenes we are really with lice as she deals with this tragedy. We feel her emotions. That’s good.
OK. The story is told from Alice’s point of view, so we can assume that she is the main character. However, my question is, how does Alice change or learn or grow from this experience? If she doesn’t, then what is the story about? Is it simply about the trick?
But if it is really about Alice, then I think you need to look at who Alice is and what she wants. Then try to discover how this day puts an extra challenge into her goals. We need to know Alice better as a person and not just a vehicle for moving the plot.
In addition, there are some mechanical issues that need to be addressed. The first is maintaining a consistent POV throughout the story. You are in Alice’s POV for most of the story, but there are two lapses: one where we get into the sheriff’s head, and one where we enter Sonya’s head. That doesn’t work. Keep it all in Alice’s head. In addition, learn how to format dialogue. Each new speaker gets her own paragraph, and dialogue is set apart with commas. Like this
“Come over here,” Alice said to Sonya. She leaned against the door frame for a second, seeing the Sonya she knew from ten years ago, when the girls were just…
“Hey Aunt Alice,” Sonya said. “I’m hungry now.”
OK. So keep working on this one. It has some potential if you can develop the main character. See me with questions.