Carr's Review of Adam's story 9/22

To: Adam Kite
From: Carr
Re: “Photogratastrophe”
Adam,
Your story, “Photogratastrophe”, reminds me of a kind of Christmas tale. It is sentimental, and the tone you take with the narrator of the second part is appropriate. He treats us as insiders, as people who will understand and enjoy this light fare. That can work. And the anecdote here is sweet, very much holiday fare.
OK. That said, there are some things to work on. First, I think you would do well to more firmly establish a main character here. You’ve got the narrator, sure, but we don’t know anything about him. He serves only to explain what people look like and how tall they are. We don’t know anything about what he wants – or what the family wants. Why does everyone like to cut up so much? Is it a reaction against something? What does the narrator want? Why does he give the grandmother the photo? What is his motivation and how is this the culmination of his efforts?
Second, in terms of style, the story right now is dragging in parts because you tend to spend too much time explaining things. So try to spend more time showing. What that means is that you need t get the story going and sprinkle in the details along the way. So instead of describing each cousin as if they were waiting for a police lineup, let them interact with the narrator or do things that draws attention to them. Then pause in those places to fill us in. Does that make sense?
All right. Finally, you have an issue with the comma splice. This is a form of the run-on sentence, and you should familiarize yourself with it and start to read your work out loud before you submit it. That might help.
Good luck with this one. Let me know if you have questions.