Claudia's Critique of Josie:
Brief Summary of the story:
This is a “nice” story about a typical young family going through the paces of daily life. A hard working dad, a stay at home mom (maybe), raising two young children in what seems to be a small town. A car accident totally destroys their existence as they lose their daughter, Josie.
Response: I liked how you set the scenes to reflect this typical family going about their lives as any other young family might be doing. The dialogue seemed realistic and well placed. If the reader has ever been in an accident, the description of the crash happening in, “slow motion…without control of her body” is so true. Also liked that the dad told Josie he loved her before he left, reminding the reader of the importance of saying those words to people we love when saying goodbye as it may be the last time. “The screams were sharp and filled with terror” was an impactful line. A very sad story as this is something that can change a family forever and that we read about in the paper, unfortunately on an almost daily basis.
Areas /focus for revision: 1.The dad is in a hurry to leave the house, yet he winds up staying long enough to watch TV with his son and then get Josie dressed, etc. A little confusing. 2. Since he “…was always forgetting things” I thought that his wife might get frustrated or at least exasperated with him. Maybe more of a reaction from her about this bad habit. 3. Perhaps have more visceral reaction from Kyle as he is hearing this horrific tragedy unfold and he is helpless to do anything about it.4.The ending left me wondering if Josie was dead or missing. Was this purposeful? I liked that it made me think about what may have happened and that this seemingly”normal” story could turn into a Stephen King thriller. I could also be way off base.
I really enjoyed reading your story.
Thanks--Claudia
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