Carr's Review of Jeffrey's Story

To: Jeffrey
From: Carr

Re: "Eight by Eight”

Jeffrey,

I think you’ve got some things working well here in your story of FBI incompetence. There is some snappy dialogue between Kellin and Wade, and also a bit of humor there as well. You definitely also give us some intrigue, and the tension to go along with it. This story builds to a definite climax, and we can sense that in the room with the agents. That’s good work.

OK. There are some things to work on. First, I think the story suffers from not having a central character. You begin with Zedd, who is an interesting character because right away you establish that he is different from the others. “He never trusted technology.” Instead he uses his own senses. That’s good. He’s a good person to have as a central character because he looks around and observes. After that, however, the story shifts mostly to Kellin, who is a less interesting character. He’s a stubborn jerk – something to think about as you make us spend so much time with him. So try to work on making this a story about someone rather than about the situation.
The problem with having a plot-driven story is that it makes your job as a writer a lot harder. Focusing on the plot so much can lead to overcomplication – which leads to holes in the story that can’t be filled. For instance, in your story you’ve got these gangs “taking over the city.” What does that mean? And how could the FBI possibly think that someone playing chess through the mail would be controlling the gangs? We don’t know because the details aren’t here. But again, my suggestion is not to go back and figure out how to make that work. My suggestion is to go back and find out what happens to Zedd on this day. How does he change? How does something he has always believed turn out to be untrue? That’s called irony.

OK. There’s one mechanical issue I’ll address here. You like to use the word “inform” in your speaker tags. That might work on occasion, but right now you’re using it incorrectly. To inform is not a transitive verb, like talk, walk, or say. Those verbs can stand alone with no object. For example, if you asked somebody how they got in to the room, they could say, “I walked.” If you asked somebody what they did ata meeting, they could say, “I talked.” But if you asked somebody what they did and they said, “I informed,” you would think that was weird. To inform is an intransitive verb and requires an object. You need to say, “He informed the other members of the group,” or “He informed them that he was leaving.” See what I mean? So just stick to “said” for most of your tags. I think you’ll find it suffices.

OK. Good luck with this, Jeffrey. You know how to create tension between characters. The key is to find the right ones to focus on. Good luck.
CK