Carr's Review of Mary's Poem 10/26

To: Mary Bogdan
From: Carr
Re: ”The Moratorium”
Mary,
There are some things working well here in your poem about experimentation with marijuana. First, there is a definite movement to the poem. You start without much experience with the substance, slowly get sucked into its sphere, and then have misgivings about your path. That’s good. I also think that there are some nice individual lines here: “I seized a slice of time not to obey;” “like diamonds in African rock;” “the hiss of my nagging parents.” Those are all working well for me.
OK. So the thing to work on first, I think, is to unify the disparate elements into something that coheres. Right now you’ve got some of the individual parts, but it’s sometimes hard to see the connections. One thing that stands out to me is the image of “the Peace.” You “smoked for Peace,” and you were “a part f it – the Peace.” That’s good. I like the idea of using the abstract noun as something more concrete. So what I would say is that you might try to describe “the Peace.” What is it like? What does it look, feel, taste, smell, sound like? When did you first catch a glimpse of it? What is it like without it? Those are all places I could use more concrete details and images.
Second, because you are approaching this is in a narrative fashion, I suggest making the narrative stages much more clear, perhaps even by using transitions. For example, near the end you write, “In jello, no one judges.” Then immediately you jump to “The door slammed shut.” To me those lines are incongruous. I don’t know what door you are talking about. So try to slow down and get to the important thread of the story if there is one. Be more concrete.
Finally, I’m unclear about the title. Why “Moratorium”? I don’t see the connection. Work on making your word choice more precise.
All right. So think about those things and let me know if you have questions. You’ve definitely got something to work with here. Good luck.
CK